Sober
by chancewriter
Summary: Ikkaku has been forced to go to rehab. But can he deal with his sober new life and the new emotions that come along with it? Yumikkaku. Not a crack fic.
1. I Do Not Have a Drinking Problem

**A/N**: Hello everyone, I'm back with another YumiKakku fanfic. I really didn't expect to start writing about this pair so soon after my last fic, but lately I have been FASCINATED with Yumichika and Ikkaku.

This fic was inspired by Augusten Burrough's memoir "Dry." It's a bit of a romance/angst/humour if there is even such a category. It's as much about Ikkaku trying to get sober as it is about a romance between him and Yumichika. I hope you like it.

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**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**Chapter One**: **I do not have a drinking problem**

* * *

The time on the clock wall of the Eleventh Division says 8 p.m. I look at the huge pile of paperwork that I completed today and feel a sense of accomplishment that deserves a stiff drink. Unfortunately, Yumichika is not here for me to drink with. He was sent on a mission to the Rukongai to hunt down some rogue Eleventh Division Officer. He's been gone for about two and a half weeks, so that must mean the Rouge is giving him a hard time. That's kind of strange. He's never been gone so long before. I could really do with taking a drink with him today, if only to make him feel guilty by letting him know that I did _both _ofour share of paperwork, plus the Captain's and Vice Captain's, while he was having fun running around in the Rukongai. Heh. I could already see him getting all riled up as he would maintain that he was not just 'having fun running around in the Rukongai'. I get a strange sensation in my chest as I think about the look on Yumi's face. Hmmm. Maybe I should look for other drinking buddies to take my mind off of…well just take my mind off of things.

It's Tuesday so most likely Hisagi, Kira and Matsumoto are at The Inn. I love that place. It has these extra large sake bottles to go with their wide sake cups. A nice big gulp is the result. I'll just take one or two drinks with them to take my mind off of Yuuu – Ahem, I mean, off of things, then head on home since I have a meeting with Sixth Division Captain Kuchiki in the morning for nine. It's a bit annoying that Yumichika and I have to take on all of the responsibilities of our Captain when he decides to go visit Alice in her Wonderland. Well, that's where we assume he goes when he and his Lieutenant disappear for weeks and no one can find them. And now that Yumichika is gone the responsibility falls on me to go to all the stupid meetings where we talk and exchange documents on the most inane things. Seriously, that part of being a Shinigami makes me want to hang myself. But Yumichika always says that I more likely to die from alcohol poisoning. Che. Why am I thinking about him again? I need that drink.

I arrive at The Inn about fifteen minutes past eight and I see a server bringing a round of drinks for Matsumoto, Hisagi and Kira to add to the bottles already on the table.

"You guys couldn't have ordered a round for me?!" I say as I grab a seat.

"Hey. We just came in about ten minutes ago." Matsumoto says as she starts her second cup and Hisagi orders a bottle for me.

"Yeah, we're trying to find a suitable emo name for Izuru-san here." Hisagi says as he finishes his second cup.

"Why?" I ask, relishing the burning taste of the sake as it hits my throat.

"It's for when he starts his one-man emo band." Matsumoto elaborates, "So far we have "The Atomic Blast Lover."

"That sounds like a sex position developed by Captain Mayuri." I joke and we all laugh, stop, then cringe as we visualised what that might look like.

"Dear God, I need more sake to get that image out of my head." Izuru laments as he raises his hand for more sake to be delivered by the waiter.

"How about Fourteen Minutes to Midnight?" Hisagi offers, continuing our quest to get Izuru an emo name for his never to materialize one-man band.

"Ahh that's too normal," Matsumoto argues.

"I got it! I got it!" I shout out as if I just discovered electricity, "Haiku Crawlspace to My Heart."

There's a pause as everyone considers Izuru to make sure the name suits his face. He was wearing one of his three expressions (sad, more sad and determined); the sad look.

"It's perfect!" Hisagi exclaims causing everyone to start sipping directly from their bottles to celebrate. And we continued to celebrate that way for about the next two hours. Thoughts of Yumi slowly start to fade into the background.

After a while, I look at the time. It's a little after ten. I'm not anywhere near drunk; only a bit tipsy. Okay I might be more than that judging by the way the ground tripped me when I got up to go to the bathroom, but I am not drunk. It's still early. I have to be up by at least eight thirty, so I could still go another two hours. And I do that and more. We head over to another bar where Izuru commented that his sake tasted like rice and penis. We all crack up at the joke, but of course never touch that particular sake bottle or anything that he drinks from for the rest of the night. I lost count a long time ago of how many sake bottles we drank, but by four o'clock the following morning, Matsumoto was rubbing her butt in my face. I couldn't help but comment out loud that I usually have to pay extra to get that kind of treatment. I don't remember exactly when she knocked me out but I figured out that that's what happened when I woke up on the pavement back outside The Inn nursing a massive headache and a black eye.

* * *

The sun is shining down on my head and without hair to protect me I'm feeling particularly disadvantaged. At that moment I absolutely hate people who have hair. Wait. Sun? Oh shit! I am so late. I shunpo home, which by the way is a bad idea since as soon as I reach home I vomit everything from my toes come up. I look at the time. It's twenty minutes past nine and I can barely stand up let alone make a coherent sentence. Did we drink sake alone last night? This headache feels like the messy after effects of tequila coming to join the party as a nightcap. I stagger out of the bathroom and make my way to the closet only to realize that I'm actually in Yumichika's room. I'm not even going to bother to try to figure out the psychological undertones of why I would wander into my best friend's room (situated about fifty feet from my room) and not my own. Instead, I stumble back into the bathroom, throw some water onto my face and eyes in a vain attempt to get rid of the redness that has my face looking like a tomato.

I skate into the Sixth Division already in a Dogeza pose as I calculate a Kuchiki-worthy excuse. Unfortunately Yachiru isn't here for me to blame it on her, so I have to think a bit more; an extremely difficult feat right now for my alcohol saturated brain. I decide to go with the infamous 'stomach troubles'. Usually all further inquiries are ceased as soon as you mention the word diarrhoea. I announce my presence to Captain Kuchiki and realize that someone is hammering right next door. Oh wait. That's actually just my hangover headache.

"Enter."

"My humblest apologies, Captain Kuchiki. I was detained due to circumstances beyond my control." I amaze myself when that sentence exits my mouth.

"Have a seat Third Seat Madarame." Kuchiki replies, but I have no idea if he's upset or not since he is wearing his only expression; the I-am-better-than-you-in-every-way-and you-do-not-deserve-to-stand-in-my-shadow-let-alone-talk-to-me look. I look up only to realize that Captain Kuchiki is not the only one in the room. Captains Ukitake, Hitsugaya and Unohana are there, together with Matsumoto, Hisagi and Izuru. The place is extremely quiet and emitting a chill that could be from Captain Hitsugaya or it could be from the looks I am receiving. I feel like I walked into a Central 46 inquisition.

"What's going on?" I ask softly so that I lessen the chance of them catching a whiff of my alcohol soaked breath.

Captain Ukitake speaks up.

"Third Seat Madarame, we have summoned you together with Lieutenants Matsumoto, Hisagi and Kira because we have a problem."

I stare at them dumbly wondering what this could be about. Matsumoto, Hisagi and Izuru are sitting in a corner looking utterly depressed; well Izuru looks the same.

"It's about your drinking." Captain Kuchiki says to all of us – the drinkers.

At this moment Yumichika comes to mind. I know exactly what he would be whispering in my ear if he were right next to me. He would be telling me to play it cool because a person with a drinking problem would throw a fit and create a scene as they vehemently denied that they have a drinking problem. But Yumichika isn't actually here, so his powerful words of persuasion come out more like a distant whisper.

"I do not have a drinking problem!" I shout out. I see Matsumoto and the others cringe and try to distance themselves away from me.

"Yes, you do." Captain Kuchiki says in a tone as if to say 'I said so and that's that.'

"And it's affecting your work." Captain Hitsugaya says, "or rather the work that you don't get done." He continues as he looks pointedly at Matsumoto.

"In my defence – " Matsumoto starts up, but is instantly cut off by Hitsugaya.

"You don't have any!"

She shrinks back and pout like she's five, but I reckon that by now she should know her Captain. She should know that that petulant child look never works on him. And it doesn't. He completely ignores her and continues speaking, but I interrupt him. I feel that I must make it known that I do not belong with these hardcore alcoholics like Hisagi, Izuru and Matsumoto that drink sake like it's milk.

"Listen, if this is about coming late to the meeting today - "

"It is about a series of behaviour patterns, Third Seat Madarame." Ukitake cuts me off. "For instance, I can smell sake off of you right now. You smell like a distillery." His voice is so kind, that I find it difficult to raise a counter argument. "You have lapsed on your paperwork. You completed all of your paperwork that was to be processed and administered to other Divisions yesterday, but you neglected the fact that they were overdue by two weeks."

"And you, Lieutenant Matsumoto," Hitsugaya interjects, "You have completed none."

"But I never complete my paperwork. Why is it a problem now?"

Everyone sweatdrops. Seriously, this is her best argument?

Hisagi and Izuru are sitting there trying to be as still as possible in the hopes that they channel their inner invisible man and disappear into the tatami mats.

"That goes for you too, Lieutenants Hisagi and Kira," Hitsugaya continues, completely ignoring Matsumoto, "Lately you two have been lapsing on many of your duties due to your drinking."

Hisagi and Izuru don't even bother to argue since they're still hoping for that invisible shield to kick in.

"We feel that it would be in everyone's best interest if you four enter into a treatment centre." Captain Kuchiki says.

This is so unbelievable it's hilarious. I can't wait to tell Yumichika about this over drinks. Don't worry; the irony is not entirely lost on me.

"We already have a treatment option available for you," Captain Unohana says, her eyes crinkling as she smiles as if she just told me that I won money and not the dirty stigma of being an alcoholic that is so badly off he has to go to rehab. This is getting out of hand and I refuse to go down without a fight.

"Listen, I can cut back on my drinking. I do not need to go to no fucking rehab."

Captain Unohana smiles even more and my bones are chilled. Okay, so maybe rehab isn't so bad after all.

"It would only be for a month."

I feel so betrayed by these people, but there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it.

"Your Captains will take up your duties for the month until you return."

"I can't see why he couldn't continue doing that all the time." Matsumoto mutters.

The intervention ends with the promise that Matsumoto, Hisagi, Kira and myself will enter into rehab the day after tomorrow. They give us the rest of today and tomorrow off in order to get prepared. Che. We get no warning if we have to fight Hollows, yet we get a day and a half to mentally prepare ourselves for whatever lies ahead at this rehab. Anyway, we chose to look at the bright side and we all agree that this means that we can drink tonight without that annoying concern that we have to be at work in the morning. This time the irony is completely lost on us.

* * *

I reach home (and by home I mean Yumichika's room – I'm still not going to analyze why I choose to be in his room) to find that Yumichika has returned from his mission.

"The hell have you been?!" I shout at him as I plop myself down on his futon, "I was beginning to wonder if you defected and shacked up with some woman in the Rukongai."

"And miss this warm reception? I think not." I notice his stinging sarcasm and look up at him to see that he's tying his obi, but is having trouble.

"You alright?" I ask in a highly annoyed tone, which by now he knows is me being worried about him. I see all of his anger at me leave his face as he looks at me.

"That stupid rogue kept setting up traps for me. I broke my left arm in six different places when I fell into one of his traps. I got it healed in the Fourth Division but it's still sore."

I get up and take the obi from his hands to tie it. He doesn't put up a fight like he usually would. He hates accepting help from anyone, so I know that he really must be in a lot of pain.

"You should be more careful, ya weakling." I mumble. I don't look him in the face; my eyes focused on the tying of the obi as if I'm disarming a bomb.

"Thank you." He quietly says after I finish, causing me to look up from the obi and I see his eyes. There is something there that I'm missing in the look, but I was never good at reading emotions. I begin to feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his gaze and I quickly tear away as I mumble something along the lines of "Che. Don't worry about it," though it probably came out more like "Che. Dohmullbowllit."

"What's the matter?"

I tell Yumichika about my Rehab predicament and the right bastard laughs at me like never before. I mean roll on the ground, slap his knees, point and laugh kind of laughing.

"Ya always have to overdo everything, eh." I say after he wipes the tears from his eyes.

"That may be true, but you're the one going to rehab for _your_ excesses." He says with a smirk on his face.

"You should be joining me. Yer addicted to yaself. I shouldn't have to be doing this alone." I gripe.

"Hmm, why can't you just say that you'd miss me for that month that you'd be gone?" He flicks his hair for effect.

"Miss you? Ha! The alcohol? Now that's something to miss." I say but feel a strange pull in my chest again. He makes an exaggerated face of being so insulted.

"What an unbeautiful thing to say, Ikkaku. When I was in the Rukongai I know that I missed you smelling up my room with sweat and stale sake and of course I missed your rude, brutish behaviour."

I take a whiff at my underarms. Yeah, I do smell.

"This is what a man smells like!" I say rather defensively.

"That's what an alcoholic who didn't bathe this morning smells like." He says and ignores my snarl, "I think that this rehab thing would be a good idea."

"What?! You're supposed to be on my side Yumichika!" I growl. I feel so betrayed. It's like Aizen all over again. I could do with a drink.

"I am on your side," He walks over and sits down next to me on the futon and looks directly at me; piercing me with those stunning eyes of his. I hate it when he does that. I feel really exposed. Not that I have anything to expose. "Ikkaku, when you're with me and you drink, it's okay. You don't get drunk. But when you do get drunk, it's ridiculous. You make a proper fool of yourself. You're even more violent and you make stupid decisions." My mind instantly returns to that comment I made to Matsumoto last night that left me with a black eye, "If Captain Ukitake says that you have to go to rehab, I think that you should go. Besides, being an alcoholic is not beautiful."

"That beautiful shit just had to come in, huh?" I mumble in a sotto voice.

"Being beautiful is everything, Ikkaku." He says with a tone as if he just told me 'of course the sun rises in the east.' "Don't worry; I'm sure that you'll like it. It'll be like a spa!" He continues on his quest to make me see the bright side, "I'm sure that it'll be fabulously designed with a totally equipped dojo for training. You know, to sweat out the alcohol."

I start to like the idea. Detoxing doesn't sound so bad. He sees my enthusiasm rise and continues to paint his picture.

"It'll probably have really great food. Captain Kuchiki is organizing this isn't he? So we know you'd most likely get top class stuff."

My eyes light up at the thought.

"And think of all the ugly and beautiful people (much less chance) you'd see there and can come tell me about."

I stare at him and he has this glazed look in his eyes. I snap my fingers to bring him out of his reverie.

"Hey! Is this fantasy for me or for you?"

"Sorry," He mumbles and pouts a bit because I interrupted his fantasy. Seriously, does he ever have an ugly expression?

"Well, I think that this could be good for you. You might learn a few things about yourself." He continues.

"Che. I don't wanna learn anything about myself." I reply like an irritable six year-old. I might as well stomp my feet and throw a tantrum. Yumichika notices as such and hits me over the head.

"You're behaving like a child. How unbeautiful. We of the Eleventh Division face our problems and fights head on, no?"

I stare at him. Hmmph, he is the only one that can make me see reason. Maybe I can tell Captain Ukitake to let me do an At-Home-Do-It-Yourself treatment with Yumichika instead. Okay, I realize that I'm still running from my problems there, so scratch that thought. I'll go to the stupid rehab.

"Yer right. I'm from the Eleventh Division and I don't back down."

"Ah. There's the Ikkaku I know and love."

For whatever reason I fall into a deep blush at the statement. I don't know if Yumichika notices this or not since at that moment he suddenly decides to get up and move over to the back veranda. Hmmm. Maybe rehab can clear up all of my bad habits.


	2. A New Day in Hell

**A/N**: Hello everyone, thanks for reviewing the last chapter. Hope you like this one.

**Chapter Two**: A New Day in Hell

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

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Rehab is to take place in the Living World and I am supposed to meet Captain Ukitake and the others at the Northern Gates for 8 a.m. I've come to like the Living World because it's there that I learnt about a whole new world of alcoholic drinks. Rum, vodka, absinthe and scotch. I love it. And cocktails are nice. I don't care if people say that cocktails are for women. You know what I say to that? I say that those women have a real pair of brass balls then. Vodka, tequila, rum, gin and Triplesec all in one drink? Yeah, cocktails are not for the fainthearted. I could do with one right now. I wonder if we can make like a quick stop to get a last minute drink before I enter rehab. I could so do with a drink right now.

"Hmm. Well Captain Ukitake will have no problem identifying the raging alcoholic now. You look like you should be going to rehab."

It takes me a few moments before I catch onto what Yumichika is talking about. I look down at myself and realize that I am anxiously tapping my foot, shaking from left to right and biting my lips. I look like I'm in the initial stages of withdrawal. He's right. Any moment now I expect Captain Ukitake to come and say 'there, there, it'll be alright now.'

"Why are you even here?" I sneer at him.

"To ask you to make me a martini." And he thrusts an empty martini glass in my shaking hand. I stare at the glass dumbly for a moment disbelieving that he would go so far. In a rage I pelt the glass after him, but he easily ducks and avoids it as he breaks into peals of laughter.

"You're a disloyal jerk, ya know that?" I grind out.

"Oh Ikkaku," He pouts, "you're no fun at all. You have no sense of humour. How unbeautiful."

I roll my eyes at him.

"I have a sense of humour when things are funny! There is nothing fun or funny about this!"

He sobers up and speaks in a quiet voice.

"You should know by now that I have only your best interests at heart."

"How the hell is mocking me in my best interest?! You should be at Captain Ukitake's Division right now pleading my case. Friends don't let friends go to rehab!"

He gives me a cocked eyebrow and looks at me quizzically.

"Are you drunk now?!" I avoid his eyes because actually I might be a bit stale drunk from last night. "Listen to yourself. If I didn't care about you I wouldn't be supporting this. But I do care about you and instead of appreciating what a beautiful, great, supportive, loyal – "

"Would you get on with it?!" I interrupt him. I'm in a particularly bad mood which normally he would ignore, but today he is like me and is apparently very sensitive. He completely flies off the handle.

"Ikkaku, you are an ass! God! I should really just leave you be and hope that after you drink a gallon of sake, you fall asleep and choke in your own vomit! Obviously that's what a true friend of yours should do because you don't appreciate the beauty of a genuine friend like me!"

He turns on his heels and leaves me at the Gates without so much as a casual glance back.

Now Yumichika and I fight all the time. We fight freely and constantly. I don't know if it's because we're poles apart personality wise or what, but we drive each other crazy, yet we never bore each other, which happens to us pretty easily with other people. However, we make up just as easily. But something is off about today. I was never good at analyzing my emotions or reading social situations, so I'm having trouble figuring out exactly what's bothering me about this particular quarrel. I watch him go off into the distance and I contemplate calling him back, but my thoughts are interrupted when Hisagi, Matsumoto and Izuru show up with Captains Ukitake, Unohana and Hitsugaya.

* * *

For the last two days Yumichika has put ideas of grandeur into my mind about this rehab experience. He drilled it into me so much, that now I come to expect it. I envision a place tucked discreetly behind a wall of specifically designed bamboo and Sakura trees. Ceiling to floor windows will dominate the interior allowing for a lot of sunlight. There will of course be a large, heated, heavily chlorinated pool (he forfeited the hot springs since he argued that by allowing this one reality all the other fantasies will materialize) and of course a state-of-the-art dojo. The food will be all organic and fresh. I will meet new and interesting people who will share their experiences and cause me to learn more about myself. The staff will be helpful and considerate as well as beautiful (hey, this is Yumichika's fantasy).

Boy was I disappointed!

The disappointment is so severe and shocking that our initial plans of cutting and running in case of such an event were sidestepped as we attempted to pick our shattered hopes off the floor. A New Day Rehabilitation Institute was not discreetly tucked away behind bamboo, but rather it was conspicuously displayed opposite a temple where worshippers could glance over the road and see the shameless addicts that give into their vices and were on a fast track to hell. There were no ceiling-to-floor windows. Rather there were small plexiglass windows with chicken wire inside it. I suppose that makes it easier to withstand a direct attack from say, a Shinigami trying to escape from rehab.

"Captain, you could never be serious!" Matsumoto starts off as she towers over her Captain.

"When have you known me to joke?" He asks her and she actually pauses to consider his question.

"Well there was that one time –"

"It was a rhetorical question!" He screams at her, but suddenly gains composure as he stares at her like he's only just seeing her. "Wait, you're drunk now aren't you?"

"What?! No! I can't believe that you would think that I would stoop so low!"

Hisagi, Izuru and I shake our heads. Too much denial. She overshot it and Hitsugaya clearly sees through her lies. His reiatsu starts to bristle the atmosphere.

"Just – just-just-get into your gigai!" He shouts at her, practically foaming at the mouth from rage.

And like a true drunk, Matsumoto is of course oblivious to when a social situation is going sour. She of course, worsens it.

"Oh Captain, I'll miss you so much!" She then proceeds to do the unthinkable. She smothers him with her massive breasts in an embrace that leaves him flailing for dear life.

Hisagi looks on, green with envy. Hitsugaya emerges, red with rage.

Despite the fact that Hitsugaya may look like he's about to go bankai on Matsumoto, I know that he really cares for his Lieutenant and this exchange is just their weird way of saying goodbye. I reason with myself that my argument with Yumichika is the same thing; just our weird way of saying goodbye and therefore, I really shouldn't be worried about it. Hmmph. I think I need at least three glasses of sake to believe that lie.

We enter our gigais and already we start to plan our escape routes. Captain Unohana turns around before she leaves.

"By the way, I should probably tell you that Captain Kurotsuchi specially developed those gigais so that you won't be able to leave them for the entire month that you are here." She says right before she disappears in the Senkai gate with Hitsugaya and Ukitake.

I turn to Izuru. He has on his determined look. We still have to try. That didn't work out too well for us.

* * *

After our failed attempt at escaping, we were given an unknown pill to "calm us down", which made us all feel like the world was a giant snow globe that was slightly tilted to the left. I liked it. We all liked it and wished that we could get more of it, while we ignored the fact that rehab had piqued our interest in a new and different type of vice. We spent most of the day staring up at the ceiling and marvelling at the different shades of white on the wall.

At around four o'clock we were forced to go 'Group Meeting'. I have come to fear group meetings, since the last one landed me in the situation that I'm in now. Damn you, Captain Ukitake, damn you. It soon dawns on us that we are not the only Shinigami here. Apparently, Soul Society is a prime breeding ground for unhealthy, co-dependent relationships with addictive substances. There are about fifteen people in 'Group' and all are Shinigami who are trying to get on the wagon. I imagine that's pretty hard to do if A New Day Institute keeps doping up its patients with pills that make you feel like you just had five cups of sake. I recognize vaguely most of the people in the group having seen them in Seretei at one point in time or the other, but I am unable to place from what Division exactly. I was never good at remembering faces or names. It's like I met people in a cloud – only a wispy general outline stays with me. Our leader of Group is a kind-looking woman that resembles Captain Unohana if you squint and look at her in the glare of sunlight.

"Alright people," she speaks in a soft voice, "We have four new members to Group today. We have Lieutenant Hisagi-san, Lieutenant Kira-san, Lieutenant Matsumoto-san and Third Seat Madarame-san."

"Ikkaku. Just call me Ikkaku." I say and immediately regret it because now all attention is focused onto me. I give my best what-the-fuck-are-you-looking-at stare, but she simply smiles at me and turns her head away.

"This place is scaring me." Kira leans over to me and whispers. I nod my head vigorously, not realizing that I had broken out into a slight cold sweat at this woman's smile. She must be like a cousin of Captain Unohana's or something.

"Right, well let's go over the rules of Group for Ikkaku-san," she pauses slightly at my name, "Would anyone like to go over the rules of group?"

I look around at the group and everyone is staring at the intricate details of the worn and stained poop-coloured carpet. After a while a young Shinigami that looks about the age of seventeen (Living World years) speaks up, shyly. What does this woman do that she has everyone so scared?

"Don't interrupt someone when they are sharing, let them finish what they are saying. And you must put everything into "I" statements. For example, you can say 'I understand what you are saying. I can relate to that'. And most importantly, you do not give advice to people." He ends with a big goofy grin and any moment now I expect the group leader to throw him a fish for his reward.

"Well that's understandable," Hisgai whispers in my ear, "If we knew anything about advice, we wouldn't be in this predicament, now would we?"

I nod in understanding but keep my mouth shut since I do not want to attract any more attention to myself. That invisible man trick might not have worked for Hisagi and Kira but there's still a chance for me.

"Good. Who wants to start first and share?" Group leader says looking quite pleased.

I want to find my zanpakutō and fall on it.

"Hello. My name is Noriko and I'm an alcoholic." A strong, strapped man who sounds like he recently had testicular removal surgery (as Yumichika likes to call it or as I like to call it – he had his balls snipped) speaks up.

The group shouts back at him, "Hi Noriko!"

"I just want to say that I am really glad that Lieutenant Matsumoto is here today. I always admired her...skills" he adds a bit too late as he steals a glance at her ample chest, "but I am not very happy about the other newcomers."

"What Division are you from?" Hisagi asks in a tone that screams murderous intent.

"Squad Eight."

"How would you like to go to Division Twelve?"

"Uh, uh, uh. 'I' statements, remember?" The Scary Leader reminds him.

Hisagi leans in so that he is closer to Noriko; his reiatsu rippling.

"I will personally ensure that you become a member of Squad Twelve. Preferably as a test subject."

Noriko gulps and instantly my mood rises. Maybe there lies the possibility of a good fight in this crap hole. Unfortunately, Scary Group Leader notices my feral grin and calls me out.

"Ikkaku, how do Noriko-san's statements make you feel?"

Feel? Feel? She might as well have asked me if I was pregnant; the question was that ridiculous. I don't feel anything about what he said because I don't care. Suddenly, my mind is bombarded by a memory.

_It is about thirty or forty years ago. Time passes so quickly and so slowly in the Seretei that I have trouble remembering exactly when things happen, but I do remember the circumstances. I can see Yumichika's face clearly. He has tears in his eyes that are rolling down his face, staining his uniform and it's the first time that I've ever seen him cry. I continue to just stare at him. I can still taste his lips on mine from when he kissed me a moment ago. It was quite the surprise after he told me that he may be in love with me. I'm feeling something, but I'm not sure what it is. Whatever emotion I am feeling I know that it's making me uncomfortable and I quickly stifle it. _

"_Stop crying. I already told you that I'm not into that kinda fag shit. We could only be friends." _

_He stares at me with his shining eyes. I generally don't like to look in his eyes. He has very compelling eyes. I'll admit it. They're beautiful. But I don't like to look into them because they stir something in me that I'm not sure I'm ready to handle. But today it's even worse. His eyes are stunning yet cold and cruel today._

"_You're heartless and you do not appreciate the true beauty in me. But one day you will feel it." He says and turns on his heels and walks off. _

_I'm not sure exactly what I felt when he said those words and showed me his back as his angrily leaves the room, but I know for sure that I am not feeling happy. _

"Ikkaku-san?" Scary Group Leader asks, "Would you like to share your feelings?"

"I feel like I want to leave." I ground out. Matsumoto, Hisagi and Kira are violently nodding in agreement like bobble-heads.

Suddenly, a tiny, blonde woman speaks up. She's so pale that she seems to be blending into the white wall behind her and I totally did not notice her there before. I have to find out her secret. I need that strategy in order to survive in this place. I see that Hisagi, Kira and Matsumoto are looking at her with intensity. I can tell that they too are thinking the same thing as me.

"I felt the same way too when I first reached here however long ago." However long ago? How long do these people make you stay?! Is it not just a month? I refuse to get lost in here. "But I need to be here."

Saran Wrap, as Hisagi decides to nickname her (yeah, we are clearly spending way too much time in the Living World – blame Aizen, Ichigo and Karakura town with their freakishly high reiatsu concentration), continues with her story. She speaks of how she was so addicted to opium that one day when she was unfathomably high, she mistook the Sixth Seated Officer of her Division for a Hollow and attacked him, managing to seriously scar him across the face in a surprise attack. He then of course beat her unseated self like a drum. She can't even look at her Sixth Seat without reliving that night.

This story then prompts another man who confesses that during his alcohol binges he once blacked out and set the Second Division store room on fire, incurring severe burns on his back and hands as he was drunk out of his mind and thought that the flames looked pretty.

Okay. Attacking my friends, setting myself on fire...I definitely do not belong here. This place is for serious alcoholics – the rock-bottom alcoholic who ruin their lives and those of others. I just drink too much.

Group last another hour and as everyone disbands Matsumoto, Hisagi, Kira and I congratulate each other on surviving our first day. Scary Group Leader comes up to us.

"Don't worry, it'll get better."

We all stare at her like she just said that two plus two equals five. She is clearly wrong. I cannot see this working out for me. I walk back to my room that I share not with my friends, but with some unknown guy. When I first entered the room his back was to me and I assumed that he was sleeping. I left the room and he was still doing the same thing. I return and he's doing the same thing. I'm beginning to think that he is dead.

I sit down on the bed and hold my head in my hands. A sickening sense of loneliness overtakes me that I usually ignore with a cup or twelve of sake. What am I feeling? Che. I'll finally admit it. I'm missing Yumichika.


	3. It's Always About Me

**A/N**: Hello everyone, thanks for reviewing and adding me to your faves, etc. Some of you have inquired whether this fic will have Yumi's POV. Well it was not my initial intention to put in his perspective, but I have reconsidered and now this story will have both Ikkaku's and Yumichika's POV. I hope that you like this chapter.

**Chapter Three**: It's Always about Me

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

"One of these days I'm going to kill Ikkaku in his sleep."

I'm sitting in Captain Ukitake's office three hours after he saw Ikkaku and the others off and three hours after I told Ikkaku that I hope he chokes on his own vomit. The guilt has yet to catch up to me. I tell Captain Ukitake this and he does his best to pretend that my evil thoughts do not mortify him. A small voice in the back of my head alerts me to the fact that those statements can and will be used against me if anything actually does happen to Ikkaku. I'm the usual gay best friend suspect.

"Yumichika-san, such emotions and words do not become someone as beautiful as yourself." Ukitake says in a calm voice. I realize what he is trying to do. He is trying to appeal to my sense of vanity in an attempt to calm me down. It works. I am so easy. I instantly make an effort to suppress my anger.

"You're right. You're absolutely right, Captain." I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I _do_ look better with a smile on my face. But I can definitely carry a frown pretty good too. Izuru Kira has nothing on me.

"So, you think that this is the last straw? Are you finally ready to give up Ikkaku-san?"

I want to laugh and cry at the same time. I want to laugh because as much as I laughed at Ikkaku when he told me about his forced stay at rehab, the truth is that for the last two months I too have secretly been doing rehabilitation lessons of my own with Captain Ukitake. You see, unfortunately for me, I'm addicted to Ikkaku. I want to cry because that addiction is taking away much needed thoughts about myself. I would much rather be thinking about myself 100% of the time instead of thinking of Ikkaku 75% of the time. Yet I don't want to stop thinking about him.

"You don't understand Captain. When I don't speak or see Ikkaku for a while I feel panicky. It's like he's in my blood."

"Like a disease in your blood."

"Yes." Wait. What?

"Like a cancer within you."

"Ummm…" Maybe I should rethink my similes. I have no idea of how this got so off track and onto some ugly blood cancer.

"It's like you breathe out this disease from your lungs. It's constricting you."

"Are we still talking about me? Or have we moved onto your debilitating disease? Focus, Captain, focus. This is about me. Not you."

"Oh right. Sorry about that." Captain Ukitake has his shame face on.

Jeez. Some people just don't realize that everything is not about them.

"I know that as I'm saying this it's going to sound stupid," Captain Ukitake says, "But I think that you need to stop focusing on Ikkaku-san so much and focus more on you."

I stare at the Captain. He's serious. It's the first time that someone has told me that I should think more about myself. Finally someone gets it!

"Though I don't mean it in the way that you're thinking." He adds by way of disclaimer. "Yumichika-san I know that you're a narcissist,"

Do I detect a distinct hint of disdain in his tone? I don't understand. Why does he say that like it's a bad thing?

"So don't get me wrong," Ukitake continues, "I'm not saying that you should continue on in that vein. All I am saying is that I know that everything you do is for Ikkaku-san and there are consequences to your choices. Do you understand what I am talking about?"

Consequences. One would think that I'd never heard the word before. He stares at me pointedly.

"You know what I'm talking about."

He's right. I do know what he's talking about. He's talking about how I have focused almost all of my attention on Ikkaku. Everything that I do is for Ikkaku. I don't drink very much because I know that he will need me to be there for him when he's incapacitated. I refuse to go on dates because I don't like to think that he's lonely at home while I live it up on some date (in addition to the fact that I compare everyone to him and of course they never live up to my impossibly high expectations). I purposely did poorly on my exams at the Academy so that I would be at the same level as he and that we could be on the same Squad. Through sheer will power alone I have managed to hide the true nature of my zanpakuto from him because I don't want him to hate me (but that's a different story for another time).

"Do you know how I knew that I was in love with Ikkaku?"

"No. Tell me."

"I missed him. I actually missed Ikkaku when he was away from me for a while. This is a big thing for me. I don't miss anybody. My own company is enough to keep me interested."

Captain Ukitake nods in an understanding and compassionate fashion. I feel confident that he does not know what I am talking about. He is too selfless.

"I want you to read something, Yumichika-san." He crosses over to the bookshelf and returns with a thin book and hands it over to me as he resumes his seat. It reads _The Co-Dependent Female Shinigami's Survival Guide._ I read the title again. Yep. I read it right. It still says the same thing.

"Don't worry about the title. It applies to both men and women." He smiles benevolently.

Then why the hell the need to put in _Female _in front of Shinigami?!

"It's a good book. Captain Unohana wrote it."

I don't hear him. I let the book fall to the ground. I am truly disgusted. He might as well have handed me a panty. Just because I like the same thing as women does not mean that I am one.

"Yumichika-san, I think that a relationship that involves you and Ikkaku-san is bound to be disastrous. Your friendship is already disastrous. You are so narcissistic that you cannot listen to anyone without corrupting the conversation onto yourself."

Again, he says this like it's a bad thing.

"You are a paradox, though Yumichika-san. You are so vain and conceited, yet you focus way too much energy on Ikkaku to the point where every decision that you make is based on Ikkaku. For instance, the reason you are in my office right now is founded on those two faults. Ikkaku-san rejected you almost fifty years ago. You are so vain that you have difficulty accepting rejection and this has led to you focusing almost all of your attention on Ikkaku, who by the way only sees you as a friend and made that quite clear to you. This is extremely unhealthy behaviour."

My mind instantly runs on Captain Soi-Fon and I feel really pathetic. A blind and deaf man can see that her relationship with Yoruichi-san is unhealthy. Yet, here I am with the same kind of relationship with Ikkaku and I need Captain Ukitake to tell me that something is wrong. I feel like a man who's bleeding out of his mouth and is wondering if he should visit a healer because something might be wrong with him. Of course something is wrong! I feel like a complete loser. That's not something that I am accustomed to; I am not Izuru. So at once I start to feel sick. Nausea and anger overwhelm me.

"I can't believe this is what Ikkaku has made me become!" I start to bite my thumb nail. Hey, I already have so many bad habits. What's one more?

Captain Ukitake sweatdrops.

"Ummm...no. You're missing the point. This is actually all about you."

"Exactly! And Ikkaku has taken away the focus from me and put it all on himself. Ooohh, he's good."

Captain Ukitake sighs.

"Yumichika-san, Ikkaku-san has gone to rehab to become sober. Why are you here? What do you want out of our sessions?"

The question has stumped me. Truth be told, I usually end up by Captain Ukitake every time Ikkaku and I have a fight. I always say the same thing after we fight – that I'm going to kill him because he is so insensitive and careless with his words. Then Captain Ukitake calms me down and I forget about my murderous thoughts. I go back to being madly in love with someone that has no interest in me besides friendship and who actually puts most of his efforts into fighting and trying to disprove anatomy laws that say a blood alcohol level percentage of more than .40 will result in death.

Why am I here then? Apparently so that I can get back to nursing my secret dream of being an idiot in love. Good God I am pathetic! This has to stop and it has to stop now.

"Okay, Captain. I am ready to give up Ikkaku. Just like he is giving up alcohol, I am giving up loving him. He was right. We can only be friends and I should accept that."

Captain Ukitake seems wary of my newfound enthusiasm. I admit that I do sound like a little child that has just brought home a stray dog. 'Please Mum, can we keep him?' Well, except in my case, my stray dog is actually a rude, violent and battle-crazed Third Seated Shinigami by the name of Ikkaku. And I'm not trying to keep him but rather kick him as far away as possible. I hope that Captain Komamura does not take offence to that metaphor.

"Really? So what would you do if he came back from rehab and says that he wants to be with you?"

I consider the question.

"I would tell him no."

The answer shocks me and I can see that Captain Ukitake does not believe that I would do such a thing judging by the small smile he's wearing.

"I know that you don't believe me, Captain. But I will prove you wrong. One of my most beautiful strengths is my will power. I will get over Ikkaku by the time he returns from rehab. And he could prostrate himself before me, begging for my love and I will not budge."

"Well, that's good to hear, Yumichika-san. I really hope that you can stop that. It is for your own good."

I leave Captain Ukitake's office feeling like a new man. I can do this. I can get over Ikkaku. I walk back to my room and I can still smell Ikkaku's mixed scent of sake and whatever soap he uses hovering in my room. My mind is instantly taken over with a memory.

_After Ikkaku told me that he did not love me, I managed to avoid him by requesting missions to hunt down deserters in the Rukongai and the Living World. If you were a rogue Shinigami, I was the one that would most likely come after you. That was probably not in the rogue's best interest since I tended to take out all of my rage for Ikkaku on the poor sap. Most rogues did not make it back in one piece. The result was that I made a name for myself and the percentage of defected Shinigami in the Eleventh Division dropped to almost zero. Thus, I had no more rogues to chase after and hence, had to return home. _

_As soon as I opened the door to my room I was assaulted with Ikkaku's distinct scent. He was lounging on my futon and looked up at me casually like he lived there. _

"_Hey. I thought that ya was never coming home." _

_I heard him, but only dimly. I'm caught up in the sly smirk he's wearing and the way that I missed his voice. Then I want to hit myself. A brutal rejection and three months away from him and I'm still like this. _

"_Why are you here, Ikkaku?" I spit out with as much venom as I could have mustered. _

"_What? I can't be in ya room now? Ya hate me now? Is that it?" He asks with a smirk on his face. He gets up and comes closer to me. I know that he's trying to act casual; put the embarrassing situation behind us. He would never discuss something like that; too many emotions for him to handle. I wish that I could be as numb as he. _

"_I don't hate you." No, what I feel is more than hate. The few people who have felt what I feel usually end up on __Sōkyoku hill to be executed for some sort of heinous crime. "Why are you here Ikkaku?" I ask again. I want him to leave. _

"_Che. I was trying to do something nice for ya. I heard that you were coming back so I cleaned up your room. I know that you don't like things dirty so I made sure that ya came back to a clean room." _

_I look around the room and sure enough it is spotless. He even has tea waiting for me. He moves over to the tatami mat, sits down and takes up a cup of tea, which I just know is laced with sake. And just like that, without even trying too hard, Ikkaku made me fall back in love with him again. I know that he cares for me. I know that he is considerate and that I do come first in our friendship. This is what made me fall for him in the first place. I completely overlook his obnoxious and heartless refusal of me three months ago. I sit next to him and feel guilty and high, like I was taking opium. I shouldn't relapse for him so easily, but I do. _

The memory leaves me with an anxious feeling. I hope that when Ikkaku returns from rehab that he is even more of an ass. At least that way, I stand a better chance of keeping that promise I made to Captain Ukitake.


	4. Submarine Emotions

**A/N**: Hello everyone, I did not get a lot of feedback on that last chapter, so I'm not really sure if you liked Yumi's POV or not. But I did get a lot of story alerts, soooo...I'm going to take it as a go-ahead with the story. In the meanwhile however, the story returns to Ikkaku's POV. Hope you like it.

BTW, someone pointed out to me that I have quite the dirty mouth with all the cursing I put in my stories. Well I guess that's why this is rated T. So sorry to say that I will not be cleaning up my dirty mouth no matter how much I like Orbit chewing gum. In my opinion, the cursing suits the characters.

**Chapter Four**: Submarine Emotions

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

We are again doped up on that special drug that is meant to help us 'calm down'. I love it. If I had this and three cups of sake every morning, I'd say that that would be the start of a great day. We're sitting in a circle again with Scary Group Leader and someone from the Group is talking. I want to turn my head to see who is speaking but I am hindered by two things: firstly the drug have me feeling like every time I turn my heavy head I'm scraping out chunks of the atmosphere and leaving a rainbow as an imprint; and secondly, I don't particularly care too much about who is actually speaking.

"Hi, my name is Ayami and I'm an alcoholic." I hear someone say dimly.

"Hi Ayami." Everyone responds with fervour that no one should have so early in the morning.

"I am a good person."

"You are a good person."

"I will share my feelings."

"You will share your feelings."

"And I am someone special."

"And you are someone special."

Where is my zanpakutō so I could fall on it? But then again, why kill myself?

I remember vaguely about Scary Group Leader explaining to Matsumoto, Izuru, Hisagi and myself about 'Affirmations'. This is a time where we affirm something that we would like to improve in ourselves. For instance, you might say "I am beautiful" if you are feeling ugly. Plus, you always finish with the phrase 'I am someone special.' It's as simple as that.

Hmmph. When I told Ukitake that I do not have a drinking problem, he didn't listen to me. Clearly, this affirmation thing does not work.

My mind returns to Yumichika for whatever reason. Okay, maybe not for whatever reason. I miss him. Now that I have finally admitted that to myself my brain finds it necessary to flood me with thoughts of Yumichika. It's highly annoying. And no matter how many times I repeat 'I will not think about Yumichika' it seems that that is all I can think about. Well, him and sake. Like right now my mind wanders to what we would be doing at this time. It's eight o'clock, so most likely I would be having breakfast with him. He would set down my tea like he always does and when he's not looking I would slip some sake into my cup to help ease the hangover headache I got from last night's drinking. He would most likely start off on some inane topic like skin cleansers, that for whatever reason I pay attention to. He would go on and on about the advantages of cleansing one's face and finding the perfect cleanser for one's skin type. I would let him carry on like that for a while, but then I would squash his hopes with my argument. Most men do not cleanse their faces – they usually use the run-off from their shampoo. He would then counter that this all the more reason for me to get a cleanser since I obviously would not be using a shampoo. I would then tell him fuck you. He would leave the name of the cleanser he uses when he exits the room. I would curse him inwardly, but still pick up the name of the cleanser for later use. And that is our typical morning routine. Or something like that.

I smile at the memory and realize that there is a sudden quietness in the room. Someone clears their throat. Everyone looks at me. The circle had come my way and I hadn't even known it. I clear my throat.

"My name is Ikkaku and I'm an alcoholic." I mumble.

"Hi Ikkaku." They shout at me. I flinch.

"I do not want to leave here." I lie.

"You do not want to leave here."

"I will not try to escape from my gigai."

"You will not try to escape from your gigai." They sing.

I look to Izuru for him to continue.

"And...?" Scary Group Leader urges.

"And what?"

"And you are someone special!" she says with a bit of aggression.

Are you for fucking real?!

"And I _am_ someone special." I say with enough sarcasm to make Yumichika proud.

"And you are someone special." The group echoes.

"Okay," Scary Group Leader continues, while I wonder whether she can hold her own in battle because I would love to kick her ass and not have any remorse because I took advantage of a helpless lady; "today we are going to talk about taking charge of our own happiness."

The room is silent.

"Let me tell you a story," She says with a sweet smile. "About thirty years ago I was once a model."

"Those were a rough few years in between then and now, huh?" Matsumoto mumbles.

"I had quite the career. I started when I was fourteen. I was very successful. When I had reached twenty-seven, they told me that I needed to retire. It was about that time that someone in my profession should retire they told me. I was devastated. I loved my career and here were people telling me that I was too old to continue. I was not getting jobs. It was devastating. I started to take a drink in the evening to ease the edge. That soon multiplied into two, then five, then a bottle, then six bottles. Soon I was drinking at least ten bottles of sake a day."

Hmmm, I drink at least ten bottles a day. I'm guessing that's not a good thing. Exactly how big are these bottles that we're talking about?

"I was so dependent on the industry to tell me that I was beautiful that when I did not get that attention and happiness, I sought it elsewhere. Rejection is very powerful. Does anyone think that they are depending on their addiction to get happiness, while they are really masking other problems?"

The room is again silent. But something that Scary Group Leader said stirs inside me. 'Rejection is very powerful.' My mind instantly runs on Yumichika. I rejected him in quite a brutal way. That must have been devastating to someone like him and I never once apologized. Yet, he always seemed fine. Then again, I never took the time to find out whether he really was fine. A sudden rush of emotions crushes me and something inside me feels heavy and almost pained. It's constricting and I open my mouth to say something, when Matsumoto speaks up.

"I can relate to that." She says.

Already she is using 'I' statements. Hisagi and Izuru looked at her like a complete traitor. I would have been that traitor that would have been 'sharing'. Thank Kami that Matsumoto spoke up and brought all attention onto her. Whew. Dodged that bullet.

Suddenly, Matsumoto is spilling her guts about Captain Gin Ichimaru. She talks about how she met Gin when she was on the brink of death in her younger days in the Rukongai. About how he saved her and they developed a great friendship. And about she fell in love with him. At this point in the story Hisagi looks like he's about to have an aneurysm. She continues to tell us how she craved Gin's attention and how when he would suddenly leave and not tell her where he was going, she would drink. Gin's indifference to her caused her to drink. By the end of it all she was sobbing into her pink scarf. And all I could think was – that's the reason that you don't share. I could have been that pathetic train wreck in front of all those people.

Just when I thought that the drama was over it gets worse. Izuru decides to speak up.

"I can relate to what Matsumoto-san said." Kira says in his soft voice that reminds people of suicide and dead kittens. "I too fell in love with Captain Gin and I know what it is like to suffer his indifference."

I nearly fall over from my seat in shock. Hisagi leans over to me and whispers, "I win." I want to strangle Hisagi. You see, years ago I made a bet with Hisagi that Kira was not gay. I am the manliest, straightest person that I know and I like to think that I have excellent gaydar. Yumichika is gay. Renji might be swinging both ways. And all that drooling that Hisagi does over Matsumoto might just be him over-compensating. But I was convinced that Kira was not batting for the other side. I am the most un-gay person that I know, so I know gay when I see it. What the hell is happening to me? My gaydar must be off. But why?

Kira ends his pathetic story about he's so in love with Captain Ichimaru and both he and Matsumoto finish with a duet of how devastated and disappointed they were when he joined up with Aizen and now they drink even more. Thankfully, Scary Group Leader interjects at this point because I don't think that I can handle all that emotion at one time.

"I am very glad that you shared with us Lieutenants Matsumoto-san and Kira-san. I want everyone to see from their shared experiences that when we abuse substances like alcohol and opium, we are hiding behind a mask and depending on a substance for our happiness. We need to deal with our issues head on and only then can we create happiness for ourselves. Each and every one of you has issues that are causing you to abuse. There is one issue that is causing this and you are here to deal with those issues head-on."

I listen to what she is saying. I wonder what issue I am masking with my drinking. I know that I have one, judging from Matsumoto's and Kira's 'shared experiences', but I can't seem to put my finger on it. Scary Group Leader seems to be onto to something, so now I don't want to pummel her into the ground. She might know what she is talking about after all.

Still, if someone were to come in here after drinking a cup of sake, I'd French kiss them just to taste the alcohol off their tongue.

* * *

Days pass and everything seems to blur into one. I have no idea whether it's Monday or Thursday. People keep sharing, but I feel like a robot. Even Hisagi has abandoned me and 'shared'. He even seems really into this 'affirmations' thing. I am a lonely cold-hearted robot in a group of very emotionally aware and mentally healthy people. Loneliness overwhelms me and I want to go home. Just when I think that I cannot handle this, I receive a letter. It's from Yumichika.

_Dear Ikkaku, _

_How are you? I know it's been about a week since you left for rehab and we did not exactly part on good terms. Unfortunately, I still mean what I said. You are an ass. But I do want to take back what I said about you choking on your own vomit while you slept. I feel horrible about it and I don't think that feeling bad is a good look for me. It's giving me bags under my eyes and I'm too beautiful to have such a hideous look on me. Also, I don't actually want anything to happen to you. _

_Anyway, I digress. My real intention of this letter is to let you know that I want you to get better. As your friend I care about you a lot and I do not want something like this to ruin your life. I know that you are not seeing the need for rehab right now, but I want you to know that it is for your own good. _

_I wish that I could be there with you right now so that I could help you focus on what you need to do. You have always been there for me and I really wish that I could be there for you too. Trust me when I say that being sober is better. I am right about this. Do not argue with me. Take the rehab. Listen to the therapists. Get better. I would fix you myself if I could, but I myself need fixing. Yes, I admit that I am not perfect, even though I look perfect. _

_I hope that when next I see you next, you are sober. You might still be an ass, but at least you'll be a sober ass. :D _

_With love_

_Ayasegawa Yumichika _

I re-read the letter over and over again trying to figure out what is this that I am feeling. Matsumoto suddenly appears at my door.

"Hey Ikkaku, you coming down for lunch?"

I open my mouth to reply when I shock myself by getting all choked up. We stare at each other in absolute confusion. She wonders how lunch has managed to upset me so – the food is bad, but not that bad. And I am aghast and bewildered that I have emotions lurking so close to the surface that Yumichika has managed to bring out with one letter. But what am I feeling and why am I feeling them?

**A/N**: Coming up next: Flashback time.


	5. I Hate Having Feelings

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**Chapter Five**: I Hate Having Feelings

* * *

They put me to chop pumpkin and squash. Everyone has tasks to do. Izuru is next to me in the kitchen chopping onions. I'm not sure if the onions are making him cry or if that's just him being...well, himself. Interestingly enough, no one notices that he's crying. Hisagi is outside raking up leaves in the strongest wind that I've ever seen in Karakura town. I'm beginning to wonder if a hurricane is coming. I look out the window and poor Hisagi is there running around in circles trying to get at least one leaf into a pile. He looks absolutely ridiculous. But not as ridiculous as that tiny, pale-skinned, blond girl that we nicknamed Saran Wrap. Turns out her name is actually Sanako, but we still refer to her as Saran Wrap. Her task involves bringing into the kitchen these huge, heavy boxes of food stocks. Now, I don't know who delegated these tasks, but to me tasks should be given to people who are best suited to them. Poor Saran Wrap could barely lift the box in that pathetic, weak gigai she occupies. Sweating, she has to push her entire body weight against one of the boxes to get it inside. I feel sorry for her since I know that I could have moved those boxes in three seconds flat. Of course when I offer to help her she looks at me like I just asked her to strip for me.

"Why don't you just mind your own business, Ikkaku-san!" She hisses at me.

"That's what I've been trying to do for the last week." I mumble.

Ever since I read Yumichika's letter and my voice cracked up everyone has been waiting patiently for me to 'share'. Matsumoto made it her business to tell everyone that I was on 'the verge of a breakthrough' and since then I've been dodging attempts to get me to open up. In Group, every time Scary Group Leader asks if anyone would like to share today, the entire group collectively and conspiratorially turn their heads to me, while I just pick a spot on the wall and stare at it. I have never experienced so much peer pressure in my life. I'm sure that when these addicts get out of here they would make excellent drug dealers. No innocent and impressionable child will be able to 'just say no' to them that easily.

"You know Ikkaku-san, you're probably just angry because you still have all those pent-up feeling inside you that are just aching to come out." No-balls Noriko pipes up saying. He's standing right next to me in the kitchen with a pair of yellow plastic kitchen-gloves that one uses to wash wares. I could see the necessity in that – you wouldn't want to get that grease on your hands. But why is he wearing the pink, frilly apron that says 'kiss the cook'? I look down at the apron. He looks at me expectantly. I pretend that I'm illiterate.

"I don't have any pent-up emotions in me, Noriko." I growl as I continue to chop the pumpkin. Well, maybe not chop, but more so butcher. The bloody knife is dull and the squash has more curves than Matsumoto. I hope that they're not expecting haute cuisine.

"I don't know why you're being so unwilling." Matsumoto says. She is doing absolutely nothing, unless you want to count being useless as a task. "You know that you have feelings that you're ignoring. I don't know who sent you that letter or what it said, but I know that you're avoiding your true emotions, Ikkaku."

Why won't these people just give me a fucking break?!

We've been practising meditation and Scary Group Leader advises that when we feel the urge to drink, that we should step back, slowly count from one to ten and soon the feeling would pass. I slowly count from one to ten while practising my breathing exercises. I look up at Matsumoto to see her perched on the edge of the counter and twirling her hair. I guess I need to count even higher to get rid of homicidal urges.

"Why don't ya come help me," I try to smile, but it looks more like a grimace, "instead of trying to be counsellor?"

She picks up a spoon in both of her hands.

"Can't. My hands are full." She says cheerily and walks out of the kitchen.

It was around that time that I started to murder the pumpkin in earnest. By the time I was done I was looking like Senbonzakura just attacked me. Blood was everywhere. My blood. Stupid dull knife and stupid curvy pumpkin.

"Let me bandage your hands for you, Ikkaku-san." Scary Group Leader says and leads me into a side room off the kitchen.

She moves quickly as she puts pressure on the wound. It's a deep gash running along the inside of my left palm, but this is nothing. I've had worse, but I'm still angry.

"Why the hell did ya put Saran Wrap to push those boxes and put me to cut up that stupid pumpkin?"

"Do you think that the roles should be reversed?" She asks in a quiet voice as she swabs my hand with something that stings.

"Oh, don't make me out to be no misogynist! I believe that women are capable. It's just that it's obvious that she couldna lift those boxes. And I have never in my life chopped pumpkin."

She smiles and I feel a bit panicky. Did I just cross some invisible line?

"Do you think that we should only face tasks that we are comfortable with?"

"Well..." I start off, but I'm not really sure of what I was going to say.

"Sometimes in life we avoid things that we're not altogether comfortable with. You say that you are of the Eleventh Division, Ikkaku-san and that you face your problems and enemies head on. Are you really facing everything head on? Or are you denying your true feelings because you're not comfortable with them?"

"We're not talking about pumpkin anymore, are we?"

She smiles serenely. I have no idea how she managed to do it, but she somehow got to me say out loud what I said next:

"I think that I have feelings for my best friend, Yumichika."

The force of the confession nearly shocks me. I feel as if I just got jump kicked in the chest by my Captain. Tears fill my eyes, but I clear my throat and blink rapidly to get rid of potential tears. I have never cried in my afterlife and I don't intend on starting now. I open my mouth, but my voice still comes out a bit shaky. I clear my throat again.

"Is that a bad thing?" She asks after a while.

"I don't know. It's just that I think that I'm realizing that I've been lying to myself for a long time. I like girls, not guys. It's really...strange, but I think that I may have always liked Yumi as more than a friend."

"And you only just realized this?"

"No. Not really. Kinda. Maybe. Yeah?" I say feeling like an idiot for taking almost a hundred years to recognize something that this woman could figure out in two weeks. My mind reverts to the first time that I ever met Yumichika.

* * *

_The bar itself was very seedy, as are all bars here in the l__ower districts of the Rukongai. I strolled in feeling thirsty for a drink and a fight. It had been almost a week since I'd had a decent fight and I was aching badly for that and sake. The bar was mostly empty. A few stray men scattered here and there silently gambling or drinking. Nothing worth a second look. But one person did catch my eye. I could only make out the shiny, shoulder-length black hair and the beautifully designed kimono on a slight build. Something that pretty definitely stood out against the varying shades of grey and brown that made up a bar in the Rukongai. Now I thought, what on Soul Society would a woman be doing in a bar like this all alone? Then it hit me. Most likely she was working; a freelancing whore. I assessed the situation. A server brought a drink to the woman's table and it looked like the first drink of the night, meaning that the lady had just arrived, which in turn meant that these men had not gotten a chance to properly make their advances. _

_I walked up to bar and ordered a drink as I surveyed the scene. A young, pretty thing like that in a place like this was bound to attract unwanted attention even though she may be looking for attention. I will happily play the noble and chivalrous bodyguard to the 'damsel in distress' as long as I get a fight out of it. All I had to do was sit back and wait. I didn't have long to wait. Sure enough a drunkard staggers up to her table and before he even gets a chance to open his mouth, the miss says, _

"_Not interested." _

_My drink stops midway up to my mouth. That was a man's voice. I tilt my head a little bit to get a better look and there was the Adam's apple. The drunkard continued to advance. Didn't he know that going after Adam's apples only lead to trouble?_

_The drunkard reached out a hand to touch the young man, but that hand was quickly grabbed, broken and shoved back in a most unnatural position. Would you believe that the drunk reached out with his other hand to touch the kimono-clad stranger?! Now I know that I was never that stupid when I drank. _

"_Don't you ever try to touch me!" The young man in the kimono screeched and got up to beat the determined-to-the-point-of-stupidity drunkard. _

_The young man with the feminine features properly beat up the drunk and left him unconscious on the floor. The few straggling patrons quietly took their leave. Great; now I have no one to fight with. I turned my back to the scene and continued on with my drink. It was then that he came up to me and leaned casually against the bar. _

"_They say that I'm the most beautiful person in all of Soul Society." He said and slightly tilted his head to me, so that I would get a stunning view of his profile. Just like that he told me this. No prompting whatsoever. I looked him up and down. Men who look that good, as a rule, are not good in combat of any form. Yet, after I just witnessed this man pummel another man into the ground and with a most humiliating tongue-lashing also, I had to say that I was pleasantly surprised and even a bit cautious. _

"'_They?'" I ask incredulously out of pure spite. _

"_Well, who are you going to believe? Me or your own eyes?" He smirks because he knows that I cannot deny it. He is stunning. _

"_Of course, if you don't trust your eyes I can always correct your vision." He smiles deviously as he raises his katana so that it would gleam in the moonlight. A feral smile washes over me. I don't know who this guy is, but this might be the start of a beautiful battle. _

"_Am I not the best you've ever had?" He asks while he flutters his eyelashes and smiles broadly at me. We're standing in the middle of the now destroyed bar, breathing hard and looking excited. This was a good fight. _

_I blushed instantly, but inwardly chastise myself for letting my mind run on the sexual undertones of his question. I fixed a scowl onto my face. I did not want to give this man the wrong idea; though I was not altogether sure what the wrong idea was. _

"_I don't swing that way." I reply in a steely tone._

"_I didn't ask you which way you swung," He says and stares pointedly at my crotch for a few moments, "and quite frankly, I think that that's a bit too much information to be sharing with a stranger." _

_Great. Now I look like a pervert. _

"_Out! Out! Get Out!" The owner of the bar shouted after us with arms flailing and moustache bristling. I happily obliged, but my fighting partner did not seem so happy once we were outside in the cool of night. _

"_Great. Now I've missed dinner and it's all your fault." _

"_My fault?! You're the one that provoked me!" Though to be honest I really did not need much provoking. I was in a I-wish-a-man-_would_-start-a-fight-with-me kind of mood, but he did not need to know that. _

"_I did not provoke you. I merely offered to adjust your eyesight." _

"_Ya threatened to gouge them out!"_

"_I never said such a thing." _

"_You may not have said it, but ya implied it." _

"_That would never hold up in a Court of Law." He said matter-of-factly. I wanted to strangle him, but I was all out of energy._

"_Anyway, you owe me dinner. There's a beautiful little restaurant on the outskirts – " _

"_Oh fuck no, I'm not buying you dinner!" I cut him off and turned my back to him as I walked northwards to the other district. It didn't take me long to notice the pitter-patter of geta against the hardened earth. I stopped dead short and he nearly walked straight into me. _

"_Quit following me. If I wanted a dog I woulda gotten one." I ground out without turning to face him. With dexterity that no one should have after such a fierce battle he pulled his blade to my throat, but luckily I had enough energy remained to block the attack. He was standing right behind me and I could feel his breath hot on my ears. A shiver ran up the nape of my neck, but I must admit there was a cold wind out. He had nothing to do with the shivers._

"_Don't ever use such ugly words in relation to me, Ikkaku-san." His voice was deadly and icy. _

_The blade was angled right near my throat, but my katana was blocking it. As tired as I was I knew that I could block the strike and I did just that as I pushed away his blade with not too much effort. I turned around to face him. _

"_Ya have great form, but ya lack power in ya attacks." I said as I sheathed my sword. _

"_You have the power, but you definitely lack the beauty." _

"_Che. Beauty has nothing to do with fighting." _

"_On the contrary, beauty has everything to do with fighting. Why else would you fight if not to bear witness to the beauty in the cruelty of death?" _

"_Che. You are so strange." I mumbled, but he did make me think. _

"_Think about it. Slow it down and think about it." He raised his katana slowly above his head and brought it down slowly in a low swooping motion and then upwards again to stop short at my neck. Something inside me froze. He could have killed me while I stood there mesmerized by the splendour of his movements. It was graceful and fluid and something that I had never before taken the time to notice in any attack whatsoever. _

"_Stunning, isn't it?" He said smiling; his eyes dewy with thoughts about his own gracefulness. _

"_But power is better," I said, adamant on keeping him grounded in reality. I had a feeling that if I didn't argue with him he would just disappear into his own fantasy land, never knowing that a whole world of other opinions existed outside of his own._

_He shook his head out of his reverie of his own greatness and stared at me. I unsheathed my sword and struck at him with as much force as I could muster. He blocked the blow, but it sent him straight back as he kicked up dust to balance himself. _

"_Heh. See, power is better." I said grinning. _

_He flicked his hair out of his eyes and regained his composure. _

"_I was unprepared. And still, I blocked you with grace. And I'll attack you with style." _

_He was fast. I'll give him that. And he definitely had style. I'll admit as much after I saw him leap into the air and spin with his katana coming down. It was an outstanding move and I expected it. What I wasn't expecting while I blocked his strike with my sword, was the kick to the chest that sent me sprawled on the ground. _

_He stood over me grinning. _

"_I don't like ya looking down on me." I said and hastily kicked him and he stumbled down to the ground. He even fell in style. _

"_Come on, I'll explain the finer parts of my argument to you over the dinner that you're buying for me." He said as he got up and started to lead the way. _

"_I'm not buying you dinner!" I shouted after him, but still followed him. Well, I wasn't following him; I was already going in that direction anyway. _

_For the next two weeks, my time with Yumichika fell into a simple pattern. We argued about absurd things, we fought each other until too tired to move, we discussed the merits of power and beauty in fighting and I continuously ducked his attempts to get me to buy him dinner. I was not used to companionship, but I had to admit, albeit grudgingly, that I liked the company. And that is saying a lot because if it were someone else I'm sure that I would have gotten bored or irritated to the point where I would want to kill that person. As much as Yumichika irritated me, he did not irritate me into a psychotic rage where I would try to kill him in his sleep; despite the number of times I may have threatened to do so. _

_We entered into the 67__th__ District after about two weeks of travelling the lonely forest roads together. This district was a lot busier than the last. The market was rammed pack with shoppers and the noise of fishmongers and fruit vendors formed a low hum in the background. I bustled my way through the crowd with Yumichika right behind me. Some loitering men were sitting under the shade of a stall that sold the remnants of slightly fresh fish. They were watching everyone go by and adding their running commentary to the scenes as they passed by. Yumichika and I formed the latest scene and so their eyes were fixated on us. _

"_Ikkaku, where are you going?" _

"_Where does it look like I'm going? I'm going to book a room at the Hidden Lotus Inn." I could see the inn up ahead. The dingy sign swayed lightly in the low wind. _

"_But that is such a disgusting place to stay." He protested, "Why don't we stay at the Golden Lily instead?" _

_I wanted to turn around and slap him senseless. The men on the sides of the street looked at me and I could tell what they were thinking as they scrutinised Yumichika with his pretty, feminine looks and me, with my hardened face. I saw a man lean over to his drinking companion and I could clearly make out the staged whispers of "uke" and "seme". They curled up their lips in disgust. One of them leaned over and whispered something obviously funny since afterwards the group fell into riotous laughter. Now usually I don't care one way or the other about what people think, but something irritated me about the situation. I felt a strange and painful discomfort about what they said and I had a pressing urge to be as far removed from it as possible. I turned back to Yumichika and replied, _

"We? There is no 'we' and there never was a 'we.' I don't know about you, but I'm going to get a room at the Hidden Lotus. As a matter-of-fact, quit following me!"

_For the briefest of moments I saw something flash in his eyes. What was it? Hurt? Anger? But then it was gone. I have an uneasy suspicion that he filed away what I just said for further reference. But when will he take his revenge?_

"_You are the most interesting person that I have ever met, but you are quite the fool for not recognizing the obvious. I wonder when you will come to your senses. But I will do as you wish, Ikkaku." He smirked at me and turned on his heels. I watched him go and I could feel the eyes of the men at the side of me staring at me, waiting for my next move. I watched Yumichika move further away from me, while I suppressed the strange emotion that was bubbling within me. What did he mean by 'not recognizing the obvious?' Suddenly, Yumichika turned around. He was about fifty feet away from me now and he had to shout so that I could hear him over the crowd. _

"_Oh, by the way, Ikkaku-san, I hope that the brother of that girl you raped does not catch up to you." And he turned and disappeared into the crowd. _

_Oh, so he decided to take his revenge now._

_Everyone turned to look at me. I couldn't believe that he said something like that. Shame washed over me and I felt myself go beet red as women pulled their daughters closer to them and the men on the sidelines gave me looks of utter disgust and some psychos even looked at me in admiration. I had to get out of here. I wanted to tell them that he was only joking, that he has a warped sense of humour, but I knew that it would be useless. The damage was already done. I didn't even bother to book a room at the inn. I wanted to never set foot in this District again. But most of all, I wanted to murder Ayasegawa Yumichika. _

_For three weeks I scoured the Rukongai for him. You would think that someone that good-looking would be easy to find. I had a lot of time to think about my encounter with Yumichika. He told me that I was the most interesting person that he'd ever met. Well that sure says a lot about the people he's met. Who has he been talking to? Rocks? Well, I'll take the compliment. If I can't be good-looking, I might as well be interesting. Che. That was the equivalent of telling an ugly girl that she had a nice personality. _

_Che. Why the hell do I even care what he thinks?! _

_But what the hell does he mean when he said that I didn't recognize the obvious. _

_I poured over every word that he said to me over the last few weeks. This was so strange. No one has ever left me with such an impression. It was then that it suddenly hit me and I felt absolutely foolish for he was right. I was missing the obvious. I was attracted to this man. It was such a surprising discovery. It was like when you trip and you realize in that moment before you hit the ground that there is no way possible that you would be able to right yourself up in time to avoid the inevitable. So what are most people's initial reactions to such a fall? They pretend that it never happened. And that is exactly what I did when I finally met up with Yumichika a couple of days later. I carefully and stealthily hid all of my romantic feelings for Yumichika under the mat that was my heavy, iron-curtain heart. _

* * *

"It's really a shame that these feeling surface now, after all these years." I tell the Scary Group Leader.

"Rehab tends to do that." She replies as if she's heard that statement a million times already.

I sigh in frustration.

"I hate being sober. It's bringing up all of these feelings. It's like spring cleaning my mind. I hate cleaning and I hate having feelings."

**A/N**: Hey, tell me what you think? Do you like my version of how Yumi and Ikkaku met?


	6. Avoidance Issues

**Chapter Six**: Avoidance Issues

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**A/N**: Thanks for the reviews and alerts. Hope you like this chapter. It's a bit longer (trying to make up for my delinquency of updating late.)

* * *

Today was Visiting Day at the Rehab, yet Yumichika had no interest in seeing Ikkaku. However, he did not actually want to come right out and tell Captain Ukitake that he feared that he was not strong enough to see Ikkaku, so instead, he came up with elaborate distraction and delaying techniques that of course involved his Vice-Captain Yachiru and lots and lots of candy. Basically, Yumichika had managed to involve himself and his Vice-Captain on a day long hunt across the Seretei for missing candy that he had personally stolen and destroyed from almost every house in the Seretei (but of course his Vice-Captain need not know that.) He was quite pleased with himself and his devious time-consuming plot, up until Captain Hitsugaya came along around half past nine to inquire why Yumichika had Vice-Captain Kusajishi hunched over on all fours looking on the floor of the closet in Matsumoto's room.

"Well, Captain Hitsugaya..." Yumichika hemmed and hawed as he searched for a Hitsugaya-worthy excuse. Between Yachiru's bottom that wiggled distractedly from out the closet door and Hitsugaya's unnerving stare (seriously, did he ever blink?!) Yumichika was finding it very difficult to come up with a decent lie. "I'm checking to see that...you're...Vice-Captain Matsumoto's...closet is...umm...full of clothes."

In that moment Yumichika realized that Captain Hitsugaya was not actually a genius, but rather, his unwavering stare made everyone crippled with stupidity whenever they were within two feet of him. Matsumoto, already at a disadvantage with all that sake she drank, never stood a chance.

"Did you expect it to be full of something else?" Hitsugaya asked, quite a reasonable question really.

"Yes!" Yachiru piped up saying, "We were expecting it to be full of candy! But there's no candy here, Shorty." She said with a slight pout.

"It's Captain Hitsugaya," Hitsugaya corrected her absent-mindedly, "And I'm quite surprised that you did not find candy there, despite it being a prime candy storage unit." He said with sarcasm stinging his words. Yumichika felt the burn of his words, but Yachiru of course missed the sarcasm completely. She is young and the truth comes out of her mouth much faster, as it often does with little children. For us older folks, like a wild belch sarcasm spits out of our mouths much faster, while the truth, slow with age, is still trying to put in its teeth in order to get the necessary bite.

"Why would Boobies hide all of the candy in Seretei in her closet? That's not the best hiding place." Yachiru asked innocently to Yumichika.

"Yet, you were looking there, Vice-Captain Kusajishi. What does that say about your thoughts on the matter?" Hitsugaya asked looking a bit smug.

"Well actually," Yachiru started as she put a small index finger on her lips and her eyes headed up to her forehead to add effect to her reply, "my first thoughts were to look in Boobies' boobies. I'm sure that she could hide even you and your short little, half-man self in that valley. But she's not here so I looked in the closet." She said brightly and laughed.

Bazinga!

The look on Hitsugaya's face was priceless and Yumichika had to bite the inside of his cheeks so as not to laugh at the Captain less he paid a dear price. However, Hitsugaya quickly composed himself as he shunpoed over to his room and came back with a large bag, though he still spoke through gritted teeth.

"Vice-Captain Kusajishi, I would like you to have all of the candy at my disposal." And he pushed the large, black bag full of teeth-rotting goodies towards Yachiru, whose eyes lit up with excitement. "However," He pulled back the bag, "you can only have it if you promise to keep your harassment to Captains Zaraki and Kuchiki, since they are the only ones patient enough to not kill you for your coverless mouth."

"Deal!" She said and grabbed the bag. She turned to Yumichika. "Guess that ends our search for candy for today, Weirdy-chan. This stash can last me the whole week! I had no idea that Shorty had such a closet addiction to candy!"

"Me neither. I thought that I got rid of all of the candy." Yumichika mumbled. "Anyway," he said a lot louder as he scooped up Yachiru and headed towards the door, "It's been nice having us over, Captain Hitsugaya. We'll be sure not to visit soon. Enjoy your day. Do tell me how it goes." Yumichika waved casually as he attempted to make his escape to the door.

"Oh I won't have to tell you how my day will be, Fifth Seat Ayasegawa, because you will be there too. Put down your Vice-Captain. I'll meet you at the Northern Gates. We leave for the Living World in five minutes."

Yumichika suppressed the urge to curse; he did not want Yachiru to pick up any more bad habits.

"Oh, are you going to visit Pachinko-head? Tell him to come home soon. I miss him. My teeth are getting dull. Hey, can you bite his head for me?"

Yumichika groaned inwardly. He hoped that Ikkaku would bite _his_ head off, thus making Yumichika's issue of being still in love with the bald idiot a lot less of a problem, what without a head and all.

Strangely enough, Ikkaku was also trying out techniques to get out of seeing Yumichika. Okay, maybe it wasn't so strange seeing as how it had only been a week since he had admitted to himself and the Scary Group Leader that he was in fact, in love with Yumichika. He didn't have time to properly accept the situation and now he was expected to spend the whole day with the object of his newfound affections?! No this could not be. Ikkaku decided that he needed more time to work this out and until then he should not be seeing Yumichika. He attempted to stave off seeing Yumichika by pretending to have a fit, but this attempt lost most of its effect when it seemed that Izuru had an actual anxiety attack. Apparently Izuru choked on one of those 'calm me down pills' that makes the world a lot happier place. Oh the irony. All in all, the commotion of Izuru's near-death choking and anxiety attack, went more or less unnoticed (Ikkaku had staged the scene in his room, a choice made out of his desire for personal comfort really, while Izuru had the sense to choke in the dining hall and fall on the hard concrete floor in front of witnesses and thus, receive more attention – location is everything!) and in the end Ikkaku had to meet Yumichika after all.

Now, Yumichika always had a problem of people touching him. This was mainly due to the fact that he thought most people were unworthy to let their mangy, filthy, ugly hands ever have the pleasure of touching the soft, smooth silkiness that was his beautiful skin. And Ikkaku, being the homophobic male that he was only touched other males when he was fighting them. Now neither of them had a problem of touching each other, but since they both knew of each other's idiosyncrasies when it came to touch, they simply assumed that the no-touching rule applied to each other and therefore obeyed the rules. This is why their current situation was proving to be so difficult. In addition to the fact that both were secretly nursing an attraction towards each other that touching would only exacerbate.

Yumichika and Ikkaku were standing in the entryway of A New Day Rehabilitation Institution together with Matsumoto, Hisagi, Izuru, Scary Group Leader and Captains Hitsugaya, Ukitake and Unohana. They had just gotten through the "Oh Captain I miss you!" and the hugs and the kisses by the others, while Yumichika and Ikkaku stood a good distance from each other, gave each other the upward nod and mumbled a non-committal "Hn" by way of recognition.

"Oh come now," Scary Group Leader piped up saying, "You two haven't seen each other in weeks. You can't possibly hug each other that way!" She scolded.

"We're not the touching types." Ikkaku growled at her.

"Yes," Yumichika hastily agreed, "We like our personal space. Do not enter the grid." He said and stretched his hands outwards to his sides to emphasize the parameters of his personal space.

"Oh that's not a healthy friendship." Captain Unohana quietly said. Great, Ikkaku thought, now they had two passive mind-fuckers trying to get them together.

"Yes, it is always very healthy to hug." Matsumoto agreed as she braced Captain Hitsugaya in a suffocating hug.

"I agree." Hisagi said with way too much enthusiasm as he opened his arms wide and hugged Matsumoto.

"Since we're all hugging..." Captain Ukitake said cheerily and joined in the group hug. "Come on Izuru-san." He called for Izuru to join the hugging session while everyone ignored the muffled screams that was coming from the soon disappearing Captain Hitsugaya.

Scary Group Leader raised an encouraging eyebrow at Ikkaku and Yumichika. Ikkaku scowled. Yumichika found the ceiling most interesting.

Suddenly, they found themselves pressed up against each other by force. Scary Group Leader shoved Ikkaku into Yumichika and Captain Unohana bound them together with Kido. It was only for a brief few seconds, but both Yumichika and Ikkaku emerged from the embrace feeling mortified as they soon realize that due to their secret attraction to each other, any touching today was going to make things hard; in more ways than one.

After the awkward meeting Ikkaku had had to hurriedly excuse himself to the bathroom since his face was now red like a tomato. He was actually most surprised by that since he thought that most of the blood was busy being used in other parts of his anatomy and was thus unavailable for making his face blush. When he returned to his room (he was wondering if he could simply hide out there all day and maybe no one might notice that he was missing from the visiting session) he found Yumichika sitting casually on his bed.

"What are ya doing in my room?" Ikkaku asked a bit surprised with a hint of guilt and shame in his voice, especially since he was just having rather sexual thoughts about Yumichika.

"Adding sex appeal. What does it look like I'm doing?" He smirked at Ikkaku and Ikkaku couldn't help but smirk back. Before he could stop himself, Ikkaku blurted out:

"It definitely looks like you're adding sex appeal."

Yumichika stared at him dumbly for a moment as he tried to figure out whether Ikkaku was being sarcastic or not. Very rarely is Ikkaku sarcastic. Yet...Ikkaku was quite possibly the most homophobic person that Yumichika knew (that in itself is a testament to their friendship); he would never willingly tell Yumichika that he was sexy. Yumichika was confused. He decided to pretend that he did not hear the comment and instead got up to inspect the interesting artwork that lay atop the ledge over Ikkaku's bed. He looked at a small, oblong, black and white coloured clay object with uneven projections sticking out at odd angles.

"What is this?" Yumichika asked curiously, his hands initially slightly straining under the effort it took to lift the object, obviously not expecting it to weigh so much.

"It's a panda bear that they forced us to make in pottery class." Ikkaku mumbled.

Yumichika's eyes widened in shock.

"You made this?" He asked, his mouth hanging open in an uncharacteristically not as cute look for him.

"Yep. It's a panda bear that _I _made." Ikkaku said looking quite proud.

"Are you sure? Because this looks like an actual panda bear made it."

"Gimme that." With a growl Ikkaku snatched the panda out of Yumi's hands and placed it back on the shelf.

"And I can't believe that you keep it there! If there's an earthquake this can fall off and kill you dead in your sleep!" He looked in horror at the bed as if he was actually seeing Ikkaku lying dead from clay panda bear enforced head trauma.

"Like you would miss me. You have yourself to keep ya company."

"Of course I'd miss you." Yumichika replied in a quiet voice; his eyes avoiding Ikkaku's.

They were standing close to each other, too close, exactly what Ikkaku did not want, nor did Yumichika.

"I missed you while I was here." Ikkaku said softly. Yumichika almost didn't hear him.

Yumichika could feel his chest tightening. He did not want to end back up in the same position. He does not want to still be in love with someone that does not love him back. He breathed deeply and fell back on his defences.

"Well I can of course see that my presence is missed or else you wouldn't be making crude misrepresentations of panda bears."

"I can't see what that had to do with you!" Ikkaku exclaimed wondering how many times that he has had to repeat that exact statement to Yumichika over the years.

"It has everything to do with me. If I were here I could have loaned you some of my intellectual property and this would have actually looked like a panda bear."

"Intellectual property, eh?"

"Yes, and it's quite obvious that the market is in recession. No one is buying that this is a panda bear." Yumichika mused.

As annoyed as Yumichika got him, Ikkaku could not hide the smile that was creeping onto his face. He missed this.

"I see that ya haven't changed a bit in the few weeks that I haven't really been around."

"Well, the purpose wasn't for me to change, now was it? That's why you're the one in rehab." Yumichika replied as he went to sit back down on the bed. He did not find it necessary to let Ikkaku know that he too was going through his own personal rehab session.

"Che. A lot of things have changed, Yumi." Ikkaku said cryptically. He had yet to decide what he wanted to do about this recent revelation that he was in love with this man. Should he just hope that this love would be the equivalent of the cheap hundred-tick wristwatch and as soon as one hundred ticks pass it will simply die a shocking and unexpected death? Or should he tackle the situation head-on and admit his love? That last option was proving the more difficult choice since Ikkaku was having problems admitting not that he was in love, but that he was in love with a man. Years of homophobia didn't just go away with three weeks of sobriety. But love was like the legendary Kusanagi sword; it seemed able to cut through anything. Or so they say.

"Things have changed? Like what?" Yumichika asked.

"Well, I'm sober now. I haven't drunk anything except water in weeks."

Yumichika smiled quietly.

"You know, you may not have had a drink in three weeks, but that alone does not make you sober any more than putting on a beautiful kimono makes you a woman. It takes a lot more than that."

Ikkaku leaned against the doorframe and gave Yumichika a raised eyebrow. He did not want to talk about his sobriety right now. That was all he was doing for the last three weeks! Talking about drinking while not actually drinking. For an alcoholic, that was worse than watching porn – all dressed up with nowhere to go. Instead, Ikkaku decided to focus on other aspects of Yumi's statements.

"Did someone call you a woman again?"

"Hmmph. Just because a man has great skin, beautiful hair and an ass that looks great in a kimono does not make him a woman!" Yumichika ranted.

"Walks like a duck, talks like a duck..."

"Oh shut up!" Yumichika hissed at him and Ikkaku fell into an easy chuckle. "I like nice things. And besides, it's not my fault that I'm universally appealing. Man, woman, child, duck," He stared at Ikkaku pointedly as he made the joke, "loves me."

"Luckily for me I never had that problem." Ikkaku offered. "I had quite the loving, monogamous relationship with sake. I never noticed whether there was anyone or any ducks checking me out."

"I bet you didn't," Yumichika mumbled, "But you did have those slip ups with Johnny, Jack and Jose."

Ikkaku's eyes nearly bulged out of his sockets.

"Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo. You know, the alcohol." Yumichika slowly offered the explanation as he looked at Ikkaku quizzically.

"Oh...right." Ikkaku wanted to slap himself silly. He was having a perfectly fine conversation with Yumi, but it seemed that his brain wanted to sabotage him as soon as he was getting comfortable.

"You alright?" Yumichika asked with genuine concern.

Ikkaku closed his eyes. The irony of the situation was that this was something that he felt comfortable talking over with someone like Yumichika, however there was no way that he was going to discuss the problem with the problem.

"I'm alright. I probably just need to – "

Ikkaku never got to finish that sentence since Yumichika, who was not in a gigai, delivered a kick to Ikkaku's face with such force that it sent the Third Seat sprawling a good few feet down the hall.

"What the fuck was that for?!" Ikkaku growled as he got up rubbing his face.

"Hmmph. I knew it. Rehab has made you soft."

Ikkaku grinned. Yumichika knew him so well. Nothing like a good spar (sake or sex – but he couldn't have any of that now) could get Ikkaku out of whatever funk he was in.

"I know that you can't escape your gigai, so you can use anything that you want to fight me with." Yumichika said as he stood opposite Ikkaku at the other end of the narrow hallway.

"Oh I don't need anything but my hands to beat you into submission." Ikkaku said with a feral grin.

"Really? Because I won't be going easy on you."

"Come at me as hard as you want." Ikkaku countered, "I could take it and I'll still beat ya."

"Oh would you two just screw each other already?!" Matsumoto yelled to them as she passed them in the hall.

Yumichika and Ikkaku sweatdropped as they suddenly lost their appetite for destruction.

* * *

Lunch at the Rehab session was about to begin and everyone settled down on the shaky tables that were joined together to accommodate the patients and their guests. Yumichika couldn't help but notice the shabby condition of the dining hall and felt a bit uneasy, especially as they still shared the hall with the other residents of the rehab centre. There was especially one fat man with eyes that darted furiously only to stop and fixate on Yumichika. Yumichika was used to stares but this man looked less like a resident at a drug rehabilitation centre and more like an inpatient at an asylum. The man looked unnaturally happy and excited and Yumichika was amazed that no one in a _drug rehabilitation facility _noticed that this man was quite probably higher than a kite or about to kill everyone and then drink their blood. He really wished that Ikkaku could tell him the profiles of these people, but ever since Matsumoto's ill-timed joke, Ikkaku had been avoiding Yumichika and the rest of the group as a whole.

Ikkaku's reaction to Matsumoto's joke served to cement Yumichika's decision to fall out of love with the bald bastard. It hurt. It really hurt to see the look of near disgust on Ikkaku's face at the barest mention of him sleeping with Yumichika. Now why would one want to waste their affections on someone like that? That was the question that Yumichika was sure Captain Ukitake would ask him. The answer is that there is no possible reason that one would do that, unless one loved being insulted and Yumichika very rarely is insulted. The only person who consistently and frequently insulted him is Ikkaku. Sometimes he's joking, sometimes he's not.

"Is Ikkaku-san always like that?" Scary Group Leader posed the question to Yumichika once everyone's soup was set down.

Yumichika, who was deep in thoughts about the futility of having a relationship that expanded beyond friendship with Ikkaku, did not initially look up from his rather snot-looking chicken corn soup. He lifted some of the soup onto the spoon and watched in slight horror as the slimy liquid slowly slinked back down to the bowl. He was almost positive that the soup had phlegm in it.

"Hey! It's called a spoon." Hisagi said, effectively snapping Yumichika out of his reverie.

"What?"

"I asked whether Ikkaku is always like this." Scary Group Leader repeated.

"The hell! Ya talking like I'm not right here!" Ikkaku cried. He was sitting furthest from Yumichika and was seated between Captain Ukitake and Hisagi.

"Is he always like how?" Yumichika asked.

"Like a complete grouch." A strapped man with an unusually high-pitched voice chimed in.

"No one asked you, Noriko! Why are you even here?" Ikkaku screamed at him.

"See what I mean." Noriko said as he pulled a seat next to Yumichika. Yumichika instantly recoiled. Ikkaku couldn't help but smirk. Now Yumichika would know what it's like to be in this hell hole with these people. They were always too close for comfort on all levels.

"For as long as I've known Ikkaku he always seemed sort of angry." Matsumoto offered.

"Perpetually irritated. Like an angry version of Izuru." Hisagi concurred.

"Madarame-san does seem to be someone that is always kind of high-strung." Captain Unohana quietly mused.

"Would you people stop that?! I'm still in the room!" Ikkaku demanded.

"Would you rather we spoke about you behind your back?" Scary Group Leader asked and for a brief moment Ikkaku hesitated as he wondered which was better. When you choose the lesser of two evils you're still choosing evil.

"Hmm, Ikkaku-san does seem to get upset over very little." Izuru said.

Ikkaku looked outraged.

"Okay, pot calling kettle black." Ikkaku fumed as he shot Izuru his best scowl. No one paid him any mind.

"That's true. He got really upset over that joke that Matsumoto made this morning about him and Yumichika. He loses his temper too quickly." Hisagi said.

Ikkaku didn't believe that Matsumoto had spread the word about that already.

"It seems that anger is the one emotion that he does like to show," Matsumoto said as she rested her finger on her lips as a sign of deep thought. "Well, except when he received that letter about a week ago and he choked up."

Yumichika's interest was suddenly peaked. He had been listening with half a heart at their suppositions about Ikkaku, his mind more focused on how to look like he ate his soup without actually eating it. He immediately looked up at Ikkaku who had been caught giving him a brief look. That was my letter, Yumichika thought. Ikkaku got choked up over my letter? How bizarre.

"And ever since he heard about visitor's day he's been trying to get out of having to participate. Yes Ikkaku," Matsumoto rounded on him, "I know all about that little staged fit you had earlier, so I told Izuru to fake a better scene."

"You faked that?!" Ikkaku screamed at Izuru. He was practically foaming at the mouth. "Everyone said that you looked like you were gonna die!"

"Wasn't that far of a stretch really." Izuru replied.

"You faked having a fit to avoid seeing me?" Yumichika asked Ikkaku slightly confused. "Why would you do something like that?"

Ikkaku had the decency to look ashamed as he saw the hurt on Yumichika's face.

"Oh my goodness!" Matsumoto exclaimed. "I know what the problem is with Ikkaku. I know the real reason that he drinks so much."

Everyone hang onto her words.

"It's because he's hiding his true –"

"Would everyone just stay the fuck out of my business!!" Ikkaku bellowed as he punched the wall next to him to emphasize his point and he rushed out of the hall.

A stunned silence hung over the dining hall. Everyone was stunned, but Yumichika was stunned for a different reason. He could not deny that what everyone had said was the truth. Ikkaku was not someone who dealt with emotions very well. He had a set of about three default emotions that he used for specific situations. Happy for a fight and sake; mad when he came into the path of idiots; annoyed with his Vice-Captain. He did not deal with feelings well. He had no room for love and other such trivial, useless emotions. That was the argument put forward by Captain Ukitake as to why Yumichika should forget about Ikkaku. And Yumichika had to concede that Captain Ukitake was right for Yumichika realized that finally Ikkaku had fallen for him, but there was no way that Ikkaku was going to make room for all of the emotions that came along with that. Yumichika sighed. Oh the irony. He'd gotten what he wished for – Ikkaku was in love with him. Yet, Ikkaku would never admit to that. Why should he want to be with someone that would deny that basic and simple confession? No, Ikkaku did not deserve his love, Yumichika decided. His friendship he would keep, but it was decided. Yumichika was not going to be with Ikkaku if he could not admit and accept that he was in love with the greatest and most beautiful person that he would ever meet.

* * *

A/N: Review please!


	7. The Spirit of Battle

**A/N**: This chapter has a lot more angst than humour in it. I hope that you still enjoy though. :)

**Chapter Seven**: The Spirit of Battle

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

The edge is so strong for me I feel like I am made entirely of razor blades. Never in my entire life have I craved a drink so badly. I run from the dining hall feeling anxious and irritated. I am walking but not really sure where I could go or where to go as I am trapped in this pathetic gigai. I am really trapped in all forms of the word. Trapped in this stupid building. Trapped with these stupid people. Trapped with Yumichika. Trapped with these stupid, fucking emotions! I hate having these feelings! I don't even realize it, but I end up in the back garden behind the Rehab Centre. It is the only place that I actually kind of like in this hell hole. But I reach there and instead of the usually calming flowers and grass, all I can see is the high wall with the barbed wire atop it. Barbed wire?! What the hell? Did they plan for moments like these where a Shinigami might be planning an escape? Frustrated, I sit down on a park bench that is nestled between two orange trees and braced against a wall of ivy as I hold my head in my hands. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see Yumichika. His face is set like stone, but he is holding out a glass of water to me.

"I figured that you needed a drink." He says as he hands me the glass and takes a seat at the far end of the bench.

I stare at him and he stares at me for a long time. It's as if he knows what's going on inside me – my demons wrestling within me. I turn my head away from him and drink my water. He has quite a strange sense of humour I think, as I drink down my non-alcoholic drink thirstily and even crunch the ice, but it is not enough. I want to drink sake until I am numb. My mind is racing. I either need to hit something very hard right now or I need to take a drink. I glance sideways at Yumichika. He is facing forward, his eyes cold. I know that he is angry at me after he found out that I tried to avoid him. This would be a great time to spar with him. When he's angry he fights like he is really out to kill me. He is like a blood-thirsty beast and if I hit him in the face – he will try to rip me apart. I want that so badly I can almost see myself beating him into the ground. But then I see myself touching him. And not touching him in the way that one should if one was fighting him. I see myself kissing him and dragging my hands down the small of my back and ripping off his clothes –

UGHHH! This is the worst thing that could ever possibly happen to me!

Suddenly, I feel a hand on mine and I look over to see Yumichika staring me down with those stunning, lavender eyes of his.

"Calm down." He says. His words are forceful, yet gentle. "Don't think about the alcohol or any feelings or trying to breathe or count. Let's just sit quietly, take in the beauty that is around us and calm down."

So I do just that. I do not focus on the feelings battling inside of me. I ignore the thirst that is crying out for sake. I shove aside the thoughts of those annoying people that stand inside the Rehab. Instead I focus on the beauty in front of me. The colours of the world seem different now. Before, I never took the time to notice the colours of autumn. The patterns of yellow and orange, the dark and rich brown bark of the trees stand out as clear as if I am looking at it through a microscope. The leaves are lying there on the ground so gently, almost like they are floating right above the ground. I sit there simply staring and not thinking. I do that for what seems like hours, but what I know is actually for about an half of an hour. I notice the quietness that envelops the garden and the most surprising thing happens. I notice the calmness that is rising inside of me.

I look over at Yumichika. I can see that the anger that he had for me has dissipated and he is sitting serenely with his eyes closed, looking absolutely stunning in his quiet solitude. I always liked that about him – he always knows when exactly to keep his mouth shut (well, he does with me anyway; his opponents will undeniably have another thought on the matter). I guess that's one reason that being with a man would have its benefits. Women, they want everything – your blood, your breath, time and thoughts. Nothing is ever enough. Men, on the other hand, by their very nature of being so simple are easily satisfied when I say that I am not thinking of anything. As a matter of fact, no man would see another man quietly sitting and actually ask him 'what are you thinking'.

Yumichika. He really is an amazing person and he would make a great lover, seeing as how he is already an excellent friend. I can see that by the way he goes out of his way to make me happy. We could be good together. If only I was not...me.

"You know Yumichika," I start off, but he doesn't flinch, so I know that he didn't fall asleep; "when ya said that we should focus on the beauty around us, I thought for a secon' that ya were gonna pull out a mirror and start lookin' at yerself. I know that yer that vain."

He opens his eyes and smirks at me.

"I must confess that I did think about it. But I reconsidered since the glare from the mirror might have reflected badly on your head and spoil the vision of myself."

"Yer a right fool, ya know that?" I scowl at him and he breaks into a quiet chuckle.

"So I take it that Rehab hasn't been going too well for you?" He asks after a while.

I make a sound that sounds almost like a dry laugh.

"Ya have no idea how annoying these people are. And that Scary Group Leader..." I trail off as I search for the perfect bad words to describe her in the right negative light.

"Well I can see that she must be a handful. She's quite forceful, but in an underhanded sort of way. Almost like Captain Unohana." Yumichika mused.

"That's what I first thought! She just doesn't get it. She insists that I have to 'share' and have feelings" I say that last part with the most amount of scathing in my voice. Yumi clears his throat and shifts in his seat, but I'm too enraged with Scary Group Leader to bother to figure out his body language. "She just doesn't get that I'm not that kinda person. No amount of physical contact could match a cup of sake and that's my _feelings _on hugging people."

"Hence the reason that you are here, you robot."

"Oh shut up! I didn't see you rushing out to hug me." I say the words before I realized that I said them and quickly turn my head away so that he cannot see my reddened face.

"I have a perfectly legitimate reason for that." He says. I wait for the reason, but realize that it is not forthcoming.

"Which is?" I prod. Now, I know that I should have just left it at what he said, but there is some yearning within me. I want to know what he feels about me. Not that it would matter.

He pauses and I could practically see the cogs of his brain toiling for an answer. Finally, he gives up and he puts on his haughty look and I know all too well that he is going to play the mind-your-own-business card.

"I do not have to explain my reasons to you." He answers, his nose held high and his countenance slightly bored. I chuckle to myself. I should have bet money on what he was going to say. I know him that well. "And besides, we weren't talking about me, we were talking about you."

It seemed at that moment that time had stopped and I had fallen into some other dimension where Yumichika willingly admitted that the focus is not always on him. I feel positive that any moment now a meteor is hurtling towards earth or a mutated giant lizard might attack Japan. Something strange like that is about to happen.

"Did you just say that the focus is not on you?! Who are you?" I ask in complete shock.

"Could you _be _more dramatic?" He asks as he shakes his head in frustration.

"Who. Are. You." I answer his question by actually being more dramatic. He rolls his eyes at me, but behind those rolling eyes I can see that he is fighting a laugh.

"You are very silly." He says, but his lips are still twitching to smile. "Anyway, that is exactly the same argument I got into with Captain Ukitake recently. He says that I can't think about anybody besides myself and you-" He cuts himself off by clearing his throat, but it is too late; I already heard him. It warms me. " – that I can't think about anybody but myself. I told him of course I am capable of that. So, he challenged me to write for the advice column in the Seretei Communications."

"Really? So you accepted his challenge?"

"Ikkaku, you of all people should know that we of the Eleventh Division never back down from a challenge. Of course I accepted his challenge. And I think I did a pretty fantastic job also. Here is my draft." He finishes smugly as he takes out from the sleeves of his robes two letters. One was a request and the other was his reply. I take them and read:

_Dear Yumichika,_

_Recently I was invited to an engagement party at a friend's house. My husband was unable to attend because he claimed to be sick. Nonetheless, I went on to represent the both of us at the party. However, I had reached only a short distance away from home before I noticed that my kimono had a stain on it and I had to return home to change. Upon reaching home I discovered my husband with the Eleventh Seat of our Division. I was most distraught. What do you think I should do? I don't believe in divorce, yet I do not think that I can forgive him. Please help me._

_Tormented in the Tenth._

_Dear Tormented in the Tenth,_

_Most people cannot afford to have Arai Hari performed on their kimono because it is so expensive and thus, cannot be done very frequently. Nevertheless, there are some tips to keeping your kimono clean. Firstly, you must always wash your hands when taking off and putting on a kimono. Your neck and feet must also be very clean when putting on a kimono. You should also probably look into carrying with you three handkerchiefs. One for keeping the hands from touching the kimono directly, another for spreading on your lap when eating and another to wipe off stains in case you enter a carriage or something._

_Sincerely,_

_Ayasegawa Yumichika._

I look up at Yumichika to gauge whether he is joking or not. He is sitting there basking in the false impression that he has completed his task. I quietly roll up the letters and slap him over the head with it.

"What the hell, Ikkaku?"

"Are you for real?! Ya completely missed the point here!"

"What? I answered the most pressing part of her dilemma."

I hit him over the head with the letters again.

"No you didn't, ya psycho! Ya need to tell this girl that she should leave her no good loser husband right after she beats the hell outta him."

"And the kimono?"

"The kimono has nothing to do with this!"

He folds his arms and pouts.

"Hmmph. Well, I never claimed to be an expert in matters of the heart. I don't think that I can give advice on those things. And quite frankly, I'm surprised that you are."

"Che. I'm no expert in those things either. Trust me when I say that I'm sure that you're better than me."

"Are you sure that you're no better than me? Have you not gotten in touch with your 'feelings' here in Rehab?"

"Che. I'm too in touch with it." I suddenly feel an urgent need to apologize to him. "I'm sorry." I say softly.

"About what?" He is facing forward, his eyes cold and hard again.

"About trying to avoid you." He opens his mouth to respond, but I cut him off. I'm on a roll here, so I can't stop. I don't when next I'll be struck with this compassionate and apologetic emotion. "And I'm sorry about the way that I treat ya sometimes. You're right. I am an ass. But I really shouldn't be that way, especially to you." I remember his letter of encouragement. I really should not treat him the way that I do.

I take a deep breath to continue. He doesn't interrupt me this time and I think it's because he's gone into shock. He's simply sitting there staring straight ahead; not moving. But I won't let his reactions stop me. I guess this is what it's like to 'share'. I feel lighter and a bit dizzy and guilty, like I'm not supposed to be saying these things out loud.

"Rehab's been a fucking bitch. I'll tell ya, I hate it here. But I hate it because they're forcing me to come to terms with things I don't want to come to terms with. I've had a number of revelations here. I realize that I do drink too much. Maybe not like those train wrecks inside there that set fire to themselves when they're drunk, but I do drink too much. And don't give me that I-told-you-so look."

In reality, Yumichika didn't give me any look. He just kept on staring ahead, like some sort of blind zombie. But I continued on. I had to continue. It was like someone had turned on a tap. All of these...emotions (I say the word with dread and distaste) are pouring out of me. Maybe if I say them out loud I'll realize what exactly I want to do with these feelings that I have for Yumichika. Should I ignore them or act on them?

"I also realized that I'm drinking for a reason. I've been hiding my feelings behind all of that sake. Most of my feelings though, are centred on you."

I wait for an answer. He says nothing.

"I have feelings that I don't like; that I'm not comfortable with." I prompt him. Still no answer.

"I have very strong feelings for you, Yumichika." Again, he does not reply.

"Fuck, Yumichika! Would you at least say something?!"

"Something." He turns to me and gives me a weary smile.

"Do you want me to strangle you? Do you really want to meet your death in the back yard of a Rehabilitation Centre?" I ask with a scowl on my face.

"Oh no, of course not. If you must kill me please let it be in spring time when the Sakura trees are in full bloom. And preferably with a nice Koi pond around. Oh and make sure that it is a long and glorious battle. Don't kill me in my sleep." His eyes are dewy with thought of his own beautiful death.

"Are you done joking? Because I was telling you something kind of important here." I say between clenched teeth.

"Tsk. You never did have a sense of humour, now did you?"

"Why are you avoiding the issue at hand?"

"Oh look at you talking the Rehab lingo. 'Avoiding the issue at hand.' I guess this is a positive experience after all."

"You're being a complete prick." I spit at him.

"Good. Now you know how it feels." He replies, but his voice is bitter like poison and his eyes have gone back to being cold and dangerous.

"Yumi..." I start to say, but I am not sure how I'm supposed to finish.

"Don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me." His voice sounds heavy and tired. A long silence settles between us. I have no idea what to say to him. I feel horrible because my mind keeps replaying the memory of when I rejected him. I was such an idiot but I am only just realizing it. After a while he finally speaks up.

"It's like you and your sake, Ikkaku. Don't tempt me. Friends, Ikkaku. You once told me that that is all we could ever be. I am only now accepting that. Don't tempt me."

He says those words and they have the opposite effect on me. I realize in that moment that I want to be with him. I understand all too well what it is like to be tempted by sake. If he loves me like how I am addicted to sake, then he must love me a lot. I've never had that kind of love or rather; I have never taken the time to realize that I had someone who was putting all their energy into loving me, because I was too busy putting all of my energy into ignoring that person. But do I have the courage to be with him? Scary Group Leader is right. Sake is only hiding what I'm afraid to come to terms with. Should it matter that these emotions are for a man? The truth is that it shouldn't and I feel a sense of calm as I finally understand and accept this.

I chuckle quietly at the irony of my situation. I win the battle with sake only to pick up another with Yumichika. I look over at him and his passive resistance and I feel like I'm entering into battle. I feel pleased and cold at the prospect of a battle with him. I have decided that I will make Yumichika mine. My bloodthirsty grin creeps onto my face.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" He asks, his eyes narrowed in caution and confusion.

"No reason." I lie as I rearrange my features to look less predatorily. He suddenly gets up.

"Where ya goin'?" I ask.

"Inside. You should follow too. I think that they're planning some sort of activity for the afternoon for us to participate in. Honestly Ikkaku, I don't know how you get through this every day. There's a small wager going on in the Seretei that you're going to murder someone before your month is up."

"And what did you bet?" I ask curiously.

"I of course bet that you wouldn't kill anyone."

"What activity do we have?"

"I think they said it's either yoga or a doll making class. I'm not sure. Come inside and don't me make lose any money."

"Doll making? I make no promises."

I look at him entering the Centre. Even if he says that he does not want me, I know that in his heart he wants to be with me and that is half the battle won already. But do I really have the courage to be with him?

* * *

**A/N**: Review please!


	8. Red Herring

**Chapter Eight**: Red Herring

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

Defeated. That's how I feel as I enter the Common Room of the Rehab Centre after my chat with Ikkaku in the back garden. Why couldn't Ikkaku simply remain in his assish ways and let me continue my love/hate relationship that I have with him? But no. Now he wants our relationship to be a love/love relationship. Well I refuse to let that happen. I simply refuse.

Ikkaku did not say anything when I told him that I want to continue being friends and friends only with him, so I know exactly what he is thinking. He is going to pursue me. He gave away his intentions when he looked at me with that stupid, bloodthirsty grin of his. In another situation I would be mentally making out with him whenever he did that, but at that time I only felt cautious and weary. I know Ikkaku. He is like me. He is not going to easily give up this silly notion of being oh so in love with me.

Now I know you must be saying to yourself, "but Yumichika, isn't this what you've always wanted?" Yes, yes, that is true. But what I've always wanted was for Ikkaku to fall for me on his own. I do not believe that Ikkaku is really in love with me. I believe that somehow this Rehab experience mixed in with that snake in the grass sadist, his Scary Group Leader, has managed to mind-fuck Ikkaku into thinking that he is in love with me. It's like he heard his stock in the alcoholics market was about to crash so he decided to take in front and transfer all of his emotional stock onto me. He's not in love with me. And sooner or later he is going to wake up and realize the truth and I'll be the one that'll be left standing emotionally bankrupt. I tell Captain Ukitake this and he fully supports my fears. Unfortunately, I wish that I was speaking to someone who would not agree with me.

"You're right, Yumichika-san. Ikkaku is most likely de-focusing. You are only the red herring to his real issue, which is his alcoholism." Captain Ukitake says to me after I tell what happened between Ikkaku and I in the back garden. I really wish he could have just said 'Are you crazy? Of course Ikkaku loves you. You should go for it!' But unfortunately all I'm going to get is straight, sensible and logical answers out of him. I should have spoken to someone a little less intelligent. Where's Matsumoto?

"You still want to be with him, don't you?" Ukitake asks. He is so perceptive he can see me relapsing before I even do. He's practically precognitive and suddenly the thought occurs to me that if he, Aizen, Scary Group Leader and Captain Unohana were to get together, they could have rule the world with their mind-fucking abilities alone. "Yumichika-san, you know that a relationship with Ikkaku will never work out. If something were to happen to you right now like say you get lost in the Living World, you know that Ikkaku would do whatever it takes to find you. And when he did, you would fall in love with him all over again and then he would tell you that you are a complete fool for getting lost in the first place. There would be no hugs of joy and no tearful confession of his heart. This is not a romantic-comedy starring that both of you. This is reality. And the reality is that you and Ikkaku don't really make sense. If you were to work out, it would have happened by now. You two could be sickeningly in love and finishing each other sentences by now. Instead, you fight all the time, make-up and then fight again. That's not healthy."

Yep. That seems to be a pretty accurate description of my friendship with Ikkaku. But why is that such a bad thing? So he shows me a sensitive side, then an asshole side. Big deal.

Who am I kidding? It's extremely painful to know that I'm losing either way when it comes to Ikkaku. I might as well talk him out of this I'm-in-love-with-Yumichika idea before I fall for him again and we both end up shit creek.

* * *

"I told my Captain what I've learned in Rehab so far. About how I was drinking so much to cover my feelings about Gin." Matsumoto offers up to the group that consists of Hisagi, Kira, Ikkaku and Yumichika. They are sitting at one of the larger round tables. She is making a clock out of clothes pins, while Hisagi and Kira are painting their clay sculptures that they made some time ago. Ikkaku refuses to participate because he feels like he is in kindergarten and so too does Yumichika, on the grounds that the sculptures are not beautiful enough for him to look at. The Captains and the Scary Group Leader are a bit away having discussions at another table, further adding to Ikkaku's image that the 'big people' are talking while the 'little kids' are 'playing.'

"And what did he say?" Hisagi asks as he continues to paint his...well it can only be assumed it's a jungle cat of some sort.

"He said that if I had stopped drinking when he told me to, I would have realized that a long time ago and saved myself this waste of time."

Everyone laughs because not only does that sound like something that Captain Hitsugaya would say, but we all realize that rehab does not offer you profound, never-before –seen revelations. It's really just the truth. But we are so accustomed to masking the truth behind sake that the most basic truths come out like divine revelations.

"Ah, but Matsumoto-san, I don't know why you bother to fret over someone like Captain Ichimaru when you could be with anyone you want." Izuru tells her. It was meant to be encouraging, but with his depressing demeanour he might as well have told her that she has two more months to live.

"And with a chest like yours, I'm sure that you won't be hard-pressed to find a man." Hisagi says.

She smiles and does a little jump that makes her breasts jiggle a bit.

"That's true. These girls have a lot of fans. They're like the current government, they're well supported."

Everyone laughs at the joke as she sticks her chest out even more to emphasize her point(s).

"But putting all jokes aside, I really should move on from Gin and find a nice guy to have fun with."

"You don't need a man to have fun. You can have fun all by yourself." Yumichika says and smiles slyly.

"Oh is that you how you've managed to stay single all of these years, Yumichika? Masturbation is the secret of your success?" Hisagi asks and everyone cracks up.

"No. I was not referring to masturbation. You are so crude. How unbeautiful." Yumichika replies and Hisagi blushes with the shame that he was made out to be a pervert. But Ikkaku knows Yumichika too well to know that that was exactly what he was referring to; no one realizes that Yumichika actually has quite a dirty mind. Ikkaku quietly bends down his head to hide his blush as the images of Yumichika doing just that flood his brain. "I was merely saying that Matsumoto-san should love herself first. If she doesn't how to do that, she cannot expect for another to love her."

"You're absolutely right, Yumichika. That's exactly what Scary Group Leader said told us. You should be a counsellor." Izuru says.

"No, I think Yumichika has a long way to go before he can start givin' advice, eh Yumi?" Ikkaku says and laugh, but Yumichika does not smile back. The thought, like most thoughts, that Yumichika is upset with him over his confession does not enter his head. The others laugh as they joke about if Yumichika were to ever be a counsellor all of the topics would inevitably be corrupted onto topics of himself.

"Hmmm. So this is what it feels like to have normal conversations without sake involved." Hisagi says after a while. "You miss a lot of these things when you're drunk since most of the time you fall asleep after however many bottles of sake and you don't remember half of the conversations that you had anyway."

"You didn't fall asleep, Hisagi-san. You blacked out. There's a difference." Yumichika reminds him.

"Yes, well anyway, because of that I feel like I have to make up for lost time."

"Me too." Matsumoto and Kira eagerly agree.

"But shouldn't we realize that we can't always get back what you once threw away?" Yumichika is staring at Ikkaku the entire time that he says this and Ikkaku finally realize what he is pissed about. So the battle has begun.

"And why not?" Ikkaku counters.

"Well you can't just do that. You cannot pretend that there were no consequences to your actions. You've hurt people during that time."

Hisagi leans over to Kira and whispers, "Why do I get the feeling that we're not a part of this conversation anymore?"

"Shh! I think that they're on the verge of a fight," Matsumoto fiercely whispers back, "Do you know how long I've wanted to see these two fight it out live? I've heard from the Eleventh Division that they have great rows."

All three of them take up their glasses of water and dress back to watch the action unfold before them.

"It's not like I did it on purpose. Sake caused me to do a lot of things I'm not proud of." Ikkaku retorts.

"No. _You _did a lot of those things. Take the responsibility and don't blame it on your addiction. It's called denial and it's not just a river in Prague."

There's a beat where everyone stares at Yumichika in confusion.

"It was a joke."

"Oh." Everyone collectively exhales.

"Good, because for a second there I thought that you didn't know that it's in Brazil." Captain Hitsugaya says as he comes over and picks up a magazine from the table. Everyone turns to look at him. "That too was a joke. I know that's it's in Egypt. Wow and they say that I have no sense of humour." He says as he walks off and continues onto to go sit with Captain Ukitake.

It takes everyone a couple of moments to get over that what-the-hell-was-that-about moment.

"Anyway, I'm not in denial anymore. One thing that I've learnt here is that we should learn from our past mistakes and move on from them." Ikkaku continues.

"Yes, but the actions from the past resonate deeply. You can't just come one day after telling me years of one thing, only to pop up and suddenly say another!"

"Yumichika, are you some kinda fool or something?! Isn't this what you wanted? I'm giving ya what ya wanted. Yer acting like an idiot!" Ikkaku hadn't even realized that his voice was rising.

"Because I know you. You always do this. You give me extremes. Just then in the back garden you gave me sensitive, caring Ikkaku. Soon, I'll get Ikkaku-the ass. That's the nature of friendship. It's either you tell me that I'm the best or you tell me to fuck off! Soon you're going to wake up from this Rehab experience and tell me fuck off and I won't take that. I'm sorry but last week Monday was my cut-off point for asshole behaviour."

"You think that I'm going to treat you badly? Thanks for the hopefulness."

"If you're looking for hopefulness you can find it in the dictionary somewhere between herpes and hostile."

"That's probably where I'll find you too, eh?"

Matsumoto and the others nearly choke on their drinks.

"Yumichika-san has herpes?!" Kira asks dumfounded.

"You'll probably be somewhere near hostile, right?" Again, a collective and relieved "oh" is heard from the spectators. "Whaddya want me to say, Yumichika? Ya want me to say I'm sorry? Well, fine. I'm sorry for all the shit that I ever put ya through!"

"Did you take that apology out of your pocket?! I don't want any half-assed apology. I want you to mean it. This is what I'm talking about. You say that you have all of these 'feelings' yet you cannot even apologize me properly. You're not ready to accept your true feelings."

"Yumichika you need to get over the past. Fuck the feelings! You're acting like a complete fag. Shit, I mean –" Ikkaku says as he tries to take back his words, but it is too late.

"I'm acting like a fag, huh? Well I guess that makes two of us, since you're the one that wants to fuck this fag! Fuck you Ikkaku!"

It was a fight that was long coming. The rage in Ikkaku that really stemmed out of frustration at the entire rehab experience is now re-channelled onto Yumichika and before he knows what he is doing, Ikkaku launches himself over to Yumichika. Yumichika's falls over from his chair with Ikkaku on top of him and manages to hit Yumichika in the face; a move that momentarily stuns the man. But it was a one-sided battle after that. The rage and disbelief that Ikkaku would dare hit him in the face catches up with Yumichika. Matsumoto and the others stand there in shock to see the normally prissy Fifth Seat punch Ikkaku in the face repeatedly. Ikkaku in his weak gigai never stood a chance this time with the enraged man.

"Why don't you people stop him?!" Hitsugaya yells at the onlookers as he rushes to pull Yumichika off of Ikkaku and effectively snaps Hisagi and the others out of their trance.

"Huh? Oh right."

And they all rush forward to help. But Yumichika is like a force. The rage seems to have filled him with the strength of ten men and Hitsugaya alone could not pull him off. With the combined efforts of Hisagi, Matsumoto, Kira, Ukitake, Noriko, Scary Group Leader and a bit of Kido from Captain Unohana, they are finally able to get Yumichika off of Ikkaku.

Breathing like he just ran a marathon, his clothes a bit torn and his cheek sporting a rapidly swelling bruise (Ikkaku was not just sitting there taking licks you know), Yumichika is led away to a side room by Captains Unohana, Ukitake and Hitsugaya in an attempt to calm him down.

"Are you okay, Ikkaku?" Kira asks.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Che. That was just what I needed. Che. He managed to punch me twenty-seven times. I think my nose is broken and something is definitely wrong with my jaw." Ikkaku slurs as he wiped off some blood on his sleeves.

"Wow. And Yumichika says that I'm crude." Hisagi muttered.

"Twenty-seven times? You'd think that he'd get tired somewhere around the fifteenth punch." Matsumoto commented. She was still in shock to see Yumichika like that.

"Ikkaku, I know this is none of my business, but judging from the argument and this fight I'm guessing that you want to be in a relationship with Yumichika," Hisagi says, "But if this is what you guys get into on a regular basis, then I think that Yumichika is right. You guys won't last long. That fight is what you call a compelling argument. It'll be a disastrous relationship."

Ikkaku looks up at Hisagi.

"You're right." He replies as he gets up from the floor. "It isn't any of yer business." With that Ikkaku gets up to go to the bathroom.

Meanwhile it was taking the entire efforts of all the Captains to restrain Yumichika as he cursed and carried on about how he was scarred for life. He was not calming down especially with Captain Unohana initially doing her best to keep Yumichika in a state of absolute anxiety and panic with comments like, "I don't know if I'll be able to fix that cut on his face. It might scar."

"Now you choose to have a sense of humour, Captain?" Hitsugaya stares at her in disbelief, though he too thought it was pretty funny (however, he would never admit that.)

"Sorry about that." And she quickly heals the bruise on Yumichika's face. It took her all of five seconds.

"Are you alright now, Yumichika-san?" Ukitake asks; his face the picture of compassion and understanding. But Yumichika is in no mood to speak now. Instead, he only shakes his head and mumbles something about his clothes and the bathroom as he pushes his way out of the room.

* * *

Ikkaku is standing in front of the mirror over the sink scoping out the damage done to him as he spots Yumichika in the mirror standing by the doorway.

"Ya come back for more?" Ikkaku asks, without turning around.

"Look at what you did to my clothes, Ikkaku?"Yumichika grounds out, his eyes at slits.

"Yer clothes?! Look at what you did to my face, ya psycho!"

"I probably rearranged it so that now it looks good." Yumichika smirks at him. "And besides, it not like you didn't deserve it." Yumichika mumbles as he steps inside and proceeds to take off his now torn orange neck accessory in order to properly ascertain the damage.

"Che. That's probably the only reason that I'm not mad at ya right now."

Yumichika stops and stares at him with a cocked eyebrow.

"You're not bad that I just gave you a sound beating and made a proper fool of you in front of everyone?" Yumichika asks in utter disbelief.

"Nope. Firstly, I was aching for a fight."

Yumichika rolls his eyes.

"I should have known." He mumbles.

"Secondly," Ikkaku continues, completely ignoring Yumichika's comment, "I know that in the past I've fucked up. That fight was a long time coming. You're just lucky that I was in a gigai." Ikkaku stops his cleaning of his face to turn and face Yumichika. "You sneaky bastard. Ya planned this, didn't ya? Ya know that you can't beat me any other way."

"Oh please! I can take you on anytime!"

"Really? So what's the real reason yer being so resistant, Yumi?"

Yumichika turns his head away because he knows that Ikkaku is not talking about fighting anymore.

"Ikkaku, this doesn't make sense. You are not in love with me. You never were, you are not and you never will be. What you are doing right now is de-focusing all of your energy from sake onto me. You're straight. You like me yes, but as a friend." Yumichika said. Every time that he has had to say that, whether out loud or as a reminder in his head, it pains him and his heart feels darker and heavier.

"So you don't believe that maybe I do want to be with you as more than just friends?"

"Ikkaku, you're the most homophobic person that I know. You don't just turn gay overnight! What, you're trying to tell me that some fairy came into your thoughts and sprinkled gaydust over your mind and now you like men?!"

"Well a fairy did come into my mind, but not in those exact details." Ikkaku smirks and stares pointedly at Yumichika.

"Just remember that there is no one here to hold me back this time." Yumichika says threateningly and Ikkaku only chuckles at the half-hearted threat.

"Ikkaku, when you get out of here you still have to battle with your addiction. It's a hard battle. I understand that and right now in an attempt to get away from that stress, you are focusing on me. But when you do finally come to terms with your addiction you'll realize that you don't really love me and I don't want that. I want you to love me 100%. I want to be the one taking up your time and your thoughts. I want to be your genuine addiction, not your replacement. And you can't give me that."

"Che. I've really messed things up. I have poor timing, Yumichika. I've been drinking all this time because I didn't want to admit what I feel for ya. But now that I've stopped everything is coming to the surface. These aren't new feelings or feelings for sake that I'm throwing on ya. It's the other way around. I've been stupid over you and I've been covering it up with sake."

Yumichika and Ikkaku stare at each other for a few moments. Yumichika's mind is racing. Here is his opportunity. This is what he's always wanted. What should he do?

"You've been running from me for a long time, Ikkaku. You're not ready to be with me. You're not even ready to admit that you like men."

"But I don't like men. I like you. You fit what I want in a love. You just happen to be a man."

Yumichika sweatdrops.

"You see what I mean!"

In that moment Yumichika pulls Ikkaku in for a kiss. As soon as their lips touch however, Ikkaku pulls away almost violently.

"Told you." Yumichika says. It was supposed to be scathing, but it lost its bite since tears were welling up in Yumi's eyes as he made a hasty escape out of the bathroom and out of the embarrassing situation.

"No, wait. It's my jaw! It hurt when you did that." Ikkaku shouted after him, but it was too late. "It was a reflex action." He dejectedly mumbled.

Ikkaku slumped down to the bathroom floor. He contemplated going after Yumichika, but he knew that now was not the time. He had just set himself back three steps there. So, the first battle was lost, but that only meant that he had to try harder the next time. God! How he hated these feelings! How do people live them all the time?!

* * *

**A/N**: Okay, well I guess that more or less concludes Part One of this fic. The next chapter will start from life after Rehab and the battle with sobriety and Yumichika will continue.

Review and tell me what you think!


	9. Doubt

**Chapter Nine**: Doubt

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

Since the incident (and yes that is what I will refer to it from here on out since my other reference {the i-can't-believe-that-no-good-piece-of-shit-pushed-me-away-after-i-kissed-him-and-oh-god-i'm-so-embarrassed-i-don't-know-what-will-stop-me-from-killing-him} is a bit long) I have laboured to ensure that I don't think about him or the incident in anyway. I think they say that people with post-traumatic stress disorder frequently do that – blank things out of their mind as if it never happened – and that is exactly what I did. Well, not exactly. I know and remember everything that happened, it's just that I refuse to talk about or acknowledge it anyway. I wanted to do the same thing about Ikkaku on the whole, but it seems that he has taken up too much residence in my mind to be easily forgotten or at least pushed to the back of my mind altogether. I was so desperate to forget about him that I almost braced Captain Mayuri to find out if he had any more of that Hollow that erases people's memories. But then I catch myself and sanity returns to me. So, for the last week I have been working my butt off doing paperwork to the point where I am so exhausted that the only thought that I have room for is sleep. That is precisely why I was most surprised to see Ikkaku sliding open the door to my room on Saturday afternoon.

I look at him unable to hide my surprise and then disdain for him being here. But then I remember that I'm not supposed to be angry at him since with my post-traumatic stress disorder plan, technically that embarrassing episode between us has yet to happen (or at least it has yet to surface in my conscious state) and therefore, I am not supposed to be upset with him in any way. He looks at me quizzically as he sees me change my expressions from shock to murderous intent to pleasant surprise. I know he's wondering what the hell was that about, but I know that if ever I were to explain my logic to him he would say that I am insane, which is of course totally true. But he doesn't need to know that.

"Oh I forgot that you were returning today. If I had remembered I would have made a 'welcome back' banner." I lie. If I had remembered I would have made sure to be on the other side of the Seretei. "Does the thought still count?" I ask cheerily. I am a mask of happiness.

"Yes, the thought counts. But the afterthought doesn't." He growls at me as he enters the room and plops himself down on one of the tatami mats.

And just like that he has disturbed my piece of mind, oops I meant peace. Ah! Who am I kidding? It really was supposed to be piece, seeing as how I'm positive that Ikkaku has left me with only a fraction of sanity.

"You are so ungrateful!" I spit at him.

"Ungrateful? Ungrateful for what? You didn't actually put up the banner?"

"Yes, but I thought about it!"

"As of two seconds ago."

That is true, but I refuse to go down without a fight, no matter how trivial and nonsensical the fight might be. I am a member of the Eleventh Division after all.

"You should be happy that I even spared two seconds of my time to think about you."

"Che. Ya know that you've been thinking about me." He says and looks at me slyly.

"No, I haven't been. That's why I forgot that you were coming back today." I say viciously and he looks momentarily hurt, but soon he gives me a look that clearly reads 'oh fuck off.'

I feel sinfully glad that he now has feeling for me if only so that I could use that against him in our arguments. Is it so wrong to want to hurt the man that has hurt you for years? Ikkaku has been the automaton programmed with a few basic emotions in our friendship for so many years that I'm almost sure that the toaster that Kurosaki has in the Living World has more emotive responses. But now, now Ikkaku has returned from Rehab and full of and in tune with, his feelings. Feelings that I can manipulate just like the way that he manipulated mine for all those years! If I had an evil laugh here is where I would insert it.

But then I start to feel guilty. The truth is that Ikkaku never intended to hurt me all these years. He did not sit down and consciously plot that he would try his best to insult my sexuality by being openly contemptuous to it. No, that would have involved a lot of thought and Ikkaku is simply too lazy for that. No, his subconscious mind did all the work for him and his lazy conscious state took up alcoholism as its own special way of dealing with the situation. So, should I really still hate him?

I look at him sitting across from me on the tatami mat and a sense of longing that I had no idea was always there overcomes me. I had no idea that for the month that he was gone I was missing him badly. Despite the disastrous Visitor's Day at the Rehab, I would most likely do everything over again (with a few minor changes) if I had to. This is because this is our thing. We quarrel and bitch at each other and then make up and then do it all over again. This is precisely why I like him. He doesn't bore me. He excites me like no other, because he doesn't even try. He just is and he just does.

"How was your last week?" I ask neutrally. This is the making up part.

"Fine." He says gruffly. See. Now we have made up. What? Were you expecting him to rush over to me with an outpouring of sappy apologies? No. That would not be Ikkaku. I know this and accept this.

"Good to hear such a detailed report." I sarcastically reply. What? I accept his ways, but that doesn't mean that I can't tease him about it.

"How's it been going on in Seretei?" He asks.

"Fine." I mock. He looks at me and sneers. "What do you want me to say? Nothing interesting has been going on. Same old dull Seretei."

"And yet you were so busy you had no time to think about me." He replies with a huge smirk on his face.

I instantly flush because I cannot believe that he has verbally trapped me so easily. I should not really be surprised. He is a die-hard member of the Eleventh Division after all. He would not give up, even if it's only a petty word battle.

"You bastard, you were sitting there all this time quietly thinking of how to get me back for that comment, weren't you?"

He chuckles easily and gives me that feral grin of his that usually turns me on so. I try my best to pick a spot on the wall right next to him and focus on it. I refuse to get caught up in him again.

"Maybe," He replies.

"You are so petty." I say as I struggle not to let my smile come through. I bend down my head and focus on what I was doing before he entered my room (unannounced and uninvited), which was my calligraphy.

We don't say anything for a while. I realize that this must be a bit strange for him; not the silence, but rather, the silence in where he is not drinking. We could sit for hours and not say boo to each other. But in those days I would be doing something constructive, while he would be working on getting drunk. I sneak a glance at him and he is deep in thought. This must be so new to him. I inwardly laugh at the insult. I was just about to irritate him by telling him just that when he clears his throat and looks up at me. I quickly put my eyes back down to my calligraphy.

"Wanna go out?" He asks.

"Why, do you want to fart?" I ask.

Suddenly the room is filled with Ikkaku's laughter. I look up to see him throwing back his head and convulsing with mirth.

"What?" I ask, all the while replaying what just happened to see what I missed.

"Yumi," He starts off after he has dried the tears in his eyes, "We are in a sorry state if I ask you if you wanna go out and you think that I meant for ya to leave the room so that I can fart! That's a classic!" He says and slaps his knee.

"Oh, you meant..." But I do not finish, because I really am unable to think of what else he could possibly mean.

"I meant if you would like to go out with me tomorrow night?" He enunciates every word as if I am mentally disabled or deaf. "The seasonal dances are on and I know that ya like that sort of thing, so..."

I look at him dumbly, staring hard as if waiting for any moment when he'd yell 'gotcha.' Only he doesn't do that. He only looks at me expectantly for an answer. In the shock, I weakly reply: "Alright."

Okay, let me back up a bit for you here. The reason that I am utterly shocked by the question is because Ikkaku has on more than one occasion expressed his disgust for the seasonal dances. He hates the dances, the dancers, the background scenery, the costumes the dancers wear, the audience, etc. The list is quite extensive. But most of all, he has just asked me out on a date. In public. With me. All alone. Sure we go almost everywhere together, but this is a date, right? Will he want to hold my hand? What exactly does this mean?

"Yes, I mean it as a date." He says as if able to read my thoughts.

"What's the difference if we go as friends?" I ask suspiciously. That would give you a clue as to the Ikkaku that I had to deal with over the years. I am highly suspicious when he asks me to go out with him.

"I dunno. You might have to put out at the end of the night." He jokes and I scowl at him. "I'm joking."

"How about we go as friends? It won't make a difference. It's not like you were planning on holding my hand or kissing me." It's the first reference I've made to The Incident and I had no idea that I was even going to say that. I wonder if people who suffer from severe Post traumatic stress disorders have the same problem. I mean, would they be standing in a bakery one day and someone asks would you like to have some cake and they yell out "Fuck You! I can't deal with this shit!" just like that? No warning to any party whatsoever?

"The reason that I didn't kiss ya back then is all your fault." He says, seizing on my reply as if he were only waiting for an invitation into the topic.

"Excuse me?" I ask testily.

"Ya hurt my jaw. I had it wired shut for the entire last week that I was there. It healed pretty quickly, though. I think it was because of the gigai that it healed so quickly. Anyway, you hurt my jaw so I couldn't kiss ya back."

I pause for a while to get the right reaction because right now I am torn. I'm torn between a mild relief that he has a reason for his ridiculous behaviour, and outrage. His jaw was hurting him! Are you for real Ikkaku?! Even if I tried I couldn't make an excuse that bad. The outrage wins. The stupidity of that excuse is more powerful than my need to be placated.

"You've fought the Arrancar Edrad Liones." I start off slowly. "You got licks beyond measure in that fight. Blows upon blows you got; yet you never gave up and the result was that you came out victorious. And now, you want to tell me that the reason you didn't kiss me back was because your jaw was hurting? Ikkaku, just admit it. You don't really want me. Just admit to yourself and save us both the heartache."

For a moment he is stunned. I can practically see in his mind the doubt forming on his conviction for his supposed love for me. Then he shakes his head as if the doubt will fly out through his ears.

"No, Yumichika. It's the truth. It fucking hurt and I wasn't prepared for it. Come let's try it again." He grins at me in a come-hither-sort-of-way.

"No. And if you try to kiss me, let me tell you right now that I'll bite your tongue off." I say that with lots of bravado, but in truth, I feel like my insides are going to cave in. I really wish that he would stop this. If he makes me fall for him again only for him to realize that he really doesn't want me...I don't think that I would be able to handle it.

"Hard to get." He jokes and smirks at me, but I'm no longer in the mood to be drawn in.

"I'm a bit tired." I say. What I don't say is that I'm a tired of running away from him. I would gladly let him catch me if I only had a guarantee that his love was for real.

"Alright." He says recognizing the dismissal as he gets up to leave. "But we have a date tomorrow." He says as he closes the door. I drop my head in frustration on the low table and I am ecstatic that he has left, since he won't be able to see how I forgot that I was doing calligraphy and now I have ink all over my forehead. How unbeautiful.

* * *

It had occurred to Ikkaku that he really and truly had no idea as to how to romantically pursue anyone, let alone someone like Yumichika. Yumichika was a type of person that was accustomed to people pursuing him. When they were in the Academy every day he would receive at least one letter from some poor, hapless sap who professed undying love for him. He still got letters today. Ikkaku had always taken the letters and given them to the cook of the Eleventh Division to empty the fish guts onto. In retrospect, Ikkaku figured that that was a sign of jealousy, which in turn meant that all then he was in love with Yumichika. And still he had to go through a month of rehab to figure that out. He wondered if he had just told Yumi how he felt about him then, if he would be getting the best of both worlds all now – Yumichika and drinking.

But Yumichika's words had planted the seed of doubt in his head. Fact: he had fallen for Yumichika. Fact: he was ready for a relationship with Yumichika. Was he really? Yumi had brought up a good point. A little bit of jaw pain should not be enough to keep someone away from the object of one's affection, especially someone like Ikkaku who knew a thing or two about fighting through pain. You see, in times like these, he would need a nice wide cup of hot sake to ease his troubled mind. But nooo. He was now sober. Why does sobriety have to be so extreme, he wondered. Why couldn't he have gone to Rehab so that he could learn to drink like a normal person? No, he was now cut off from that world all together because he had peaked too soon. He had drunk a normal person's lifetime of drinking in half of that time and now he had reached his limit and was not allowed any more. In a state of absolute depression he wandered over to the Division's Head Office.

"Pachinko Head!" Yachiru screamed as soon as she saw Ikkaku coming through the office doors.

"No! Wait!" Ikkaku protested, but his pleas fell on deaf ears as the little pink-haired blur scrambled onto him and began to munch on his head.

"Ger off! Ger off!" he screamed as drool ran down his forehead. "Ughh. This is so gross! I'm gonna kill you! Captain!"

"Yachiru give the man a break." Kenpachi lazily drawled, not bothering to look up from cleaning his zanpakutou.

"Aww Ken-chan." She whined as she came down just as fast as she went up, not giving Ikkaku a chance to put his infanticide plan into action. She turned to Ikkaku once she was safely again perched on the massive shoulders of Kenpachi. "Okay Baldy, you get away this time. But you still have a month's worth to get from me!" She beamed, ignoring Ikkaku's death stare at her.

"Heh. Yachiru leave the man alone. Obviously he's gotten weak while he was in Rehab and can't even take a little bite from you." Kenpachi said as he looked straight at Ikkaku. A small smirk could be seen on his scarred face.

"Oh. You're probably right, Ken-Chan."

Ikkaku's face was now the epitome of smouldering rage. His face could easily be used to illustrate the hate that Hitsugaya feels for Aizen.

"Why you little –"

"Oh don't get angry at me Baldy – "

"Stop calling me that!" He screamed at her. She ignores him.

"- you can take out your rage on these guys here." And she jumped down from Kenpachi's shoulders and slid open the door that leads to the dojo, where inside almost a hundred men from the Eleventh Division are crammed, waiting patiently to battle with Ikkaku.

Surprisingly, Ikkaku's initial thought was that he is simply too lazy to bother to work up the energy to fight these idiots. But that thought was fleeting. And soon that burning passion to dampen the egos of his competitors by beating the shit out of them overcame him and a smile washes over him. This is exactly what he needs to take his mind off of Yumichika.

An hour later Ikkaku is breathless and tired, but of course victorious. Blood splattered and the moans for mercy whining in his ears, all Ikkaku could think was that this was almost as good as sex. Almost. An Espada level fight might be able to surpass sex. As it was, he was standing in the middle of a heap of severely beaten men and he was feeling pretty darn good about himself. That is, he was feeling good, until Yachiru opened her big mouth.

"Wow! Baldy you beat all these guys and yet you couldn't even beat Feather-Brows when you were in Rehab!"

Ikkaku's face fell. She heard about that already?! Damn you Matsumoto! The only thing bigger than your mouth is your chest!

"So, Yumichika beat him, huh Yachiru?" Kenpachi asked as he stood at the entrance of the dojo, casually picking his teeth with his zanpakutou.

"He sure did, Ken-chan. I heard that Baldy lost because he didn't have the heart to hit back Feather-Brows."

"Huh? Since when Ikkaku is holding back in a fight?"

"Since he fell in –"

Ikkaku walked over to her and feigned a neck-breaking stumble which causes Yachiru to laugh uncontrollably.

"Anyway, since he fell in-" Yachiru continued after Ikkaku righted himself up and her laughter subsided and after he launched into an elaborate theory as to why he most likely tripped on air.

"You fellas alright? You? You over there? You look like you're in need of serious medical aid. Moaning and screaming helps. Moan louder." Ikkaku asked to no one in particular.

"Well, since he fell in lo-"

"What about you over there?" Ikkaku asked again in a loud booming voice that caused several men to wince. Now, Ikkaku knew that at some point in time he will have to let Yachiru speak. Hopefully however, that day will come sometime in the next millennia, and in the meanwhile Ikkaku will continue to distract Yachiru.

"Like I was saying Ken-chan, Pachinko Head beat Feather-Brows because he fell –"

"Vice-Captain Yachiru! It's poor manners to...to...speak...when...all these men are in so much pain." Ikkaku lamely ended. In his defence, he was under a lot of pressure, so that was the best he could come with at short notice.

"Ken-chan, Pachinko Head admitted that he really, really loves Feather-Brows as more than just a friend."

In that moment all moaning and groaning stopped as almost a hundred pairs of eyes stared up at him from the floor. Didn't these men have other things to do, Ikkaku wondered, like say, hope and pray that Ikkaku didn't come back for seconds? But Kenpachi's gaze was the one that burned into him the most. The strapped Captain of the Eleventh Division stood there wide-eyed and slack-jawed at the latest revelation. After a few seconds however, Kenpachi was finally able to regain his composure.

"Heh Ikkaku, I shoulda seen this comin'. But it doesn't matter to me if you wanna fuck Yumichika up the ass as long as the two of you are still my best fighters. But it looks like you have a while to go before you can come to terms with that, huh?"

Ikkaku stared at his Captain. Now he knew Kenpachi was no love guru, so if _he_ could see that Ikkaku was having difficulty with this...what should it be called? These feelings, yeah that's one way to phrase it; then maybe Yumichika was right. Maybe he was not ready to be with him.

"Ken-chan," Yachiru tugs on his haori and stares up at him, "What does 'fuck up the ass' mean?"

Kenpachi slaps himself.

"Ugghh. Ummm...Kami. How did I get myself into this?!"

Ikkaku didn't bother to stay to listen to what explanation Kenpachi was going to give Yachiru as he quickly high-tailed it out of there before Kenpachi forced him to explain the birds and the bees to Yachiru. Instead, he walked back to his room and let the soft night's breeze cool the sweat on his skin. His mind was reeling. Was he really jumping into this thing with Yumichika too quickly? Was Yumichika right? Was he simply re-focusing his addiction? He didn't even want to admit that he had fallen for his best friend in front of his Captain. Surely that was a sign. Maybe it meant that he was not ready to be with Yumi. Or maybe it simply meant that he was a private person and he didn't want the entire Eleventh Division knowing his business. Whatever the reason Ikkaku knew that he had to figure this out soon, because both his and Yumichika's heart was on the line. He had already broken Yumi's heart once. He was sure that he would not be allowed to do it again.

**A/N**: Please review and let me know what you think! :D


	10. Romantic Tactics

**A/N**: Thanks for all of the reviews and alerts everyone. This one got away from me and is a bit longer than my other chapters. I hope that you still enjoy it, though. :D

**Chapter Ten**: Romantic Tactics

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

Sunday evening had arrived and needless to say, Ikkaku was feeling a bit nervous about the 'date' he had with Yumichika. But he had decided that he would simply try to look at it as two friends going out to enjoy some dancing and music. He would not think about his attraction to Yumichika. He would not think about the doubt that he was having in his mind about Yumichika. As a matter-of-fact, he would just not think about Yumichika. He would focus on only the dances. Good luck with that.

Yumichika stepped out of the bathroom and Ikkaku did his best not to be astounded by the man's appearance for Yumichika looked positively breathtaking. His hakama was a deep, oily black that stood out magnificently against his kimono made of heavy golden-coloured silk brocade with etchings of deep red, green, yellow and red leaves; his nagajuban, a crisp, clean white that poked out from under his kimono. His haori was also jet black but with images at the very bottom of the golden leaves contrasting spectacularly against the dark background. Ikkaku tore his eyes away from the image as he forced his mind to remember that this was Yumichika; his best friend. There was nothing different about tonight. He was simply having a night out with a friend. And besides, it's not like he never saw Yumichika dressed up before. Wait, had he? Did he ever see Yumichika dressed up like that and he had not noticed? Ikkaku looked back at him and was shocked that he had not realized before that the haori that Yumichika was wearing was a gift that he had bought the man...hmm, let's see. Yes, that was a gift bought almost fifty years ago! And he had only bought it because Yumichika had had a particularly rough week, what with adjusting to having his precious hair cut during a vicious Hollow attack (seriously, melodramatic was Yumichika's middle name, sheesh! The man cried for days! Days!) Anyway, the gift had stunned Yumichika and the next week he was confessing his love for Ikkaku. Ikkaku smirked to himself as he wondered if another haori gift will make history repeat itself.

"Ikkaku," Yumichika wailed in his whiniest voice that he could muster, "nothing fits right. I don't feel beautiful at all. My skin looks sallow, my hair is limp, my eyes aren't shining and I fear that these aren't my colours after all!"

Ikkaku couldn't help himself. It was at the tip of his tongue.

"Well at least you're eyesight is still working." He said with a sly smirk. Yes, he knew that he should not have said it. Obviously Yumichika was in a vulnerable mood, but Yumichika had walked into that one.

Yumichika's eyes (that were of course shining brilliantly) narrowed in contempt as he took in Ikkaku's appearance. He shook his head slightly in disgust as he noted that Ikkaku couldn't have been bothered to change from his Shinigami uniform.

"What? Don't look at me like that. You know I couldn't be bothered with all of that," he said as he made a vague gesture with his hands to indicate Yumichika's formal wear, "You know I couldn't be bothered with that. It's just a waste of time. Speaking of which, you have wasted enough time and now we've been set back a half an hour. I wanted to get something to eat first. So hurry up!"

Yumichika closed his eyes for a second. Ikkaku wondered if he was thinking of green fields on a clear sunny day to calm himself or whether he was thinking of his room stained with the blood of his best friend. Yumichika opened his eyes, his face contorted with a scowl.

"Prick." He spat at Ikkaku as he made his way to the door and forcibly shook the scowl from his face. So, he settled somewhere in between with a blood-stained field on a clear day, Ikkaku cynically thought. Then the realization hit him. He really was an ass to Yumichika! And it came so naturally that he hadn't even noticed! He had to amend this and he had to amend this now or else the battle would be lost. He pulled Yumichika back into the room, pinning him to the wall.

"Not without my permission, Ikkaku!" Yumichika hissed at him and Ikkaku dropped hold of Yumichika's hand immediately like it was on fire. But, he kept his dangerously close proximity as he moved his hands to land on either side of Yumi's head; his nose almost touching the other's nose. Yumichika looked up at Ikkaku; his eyes fierce with indignation and confusion.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna do anything indecent to ya." Though, with a grin like the one that Ikkaku was wearing, Yumichika had plausible reason to doubt him.

"I'm sorry. I was being an ass."

"Story of your life. What's new?" Yumichika mumbled. Ikkaku momentarily frowned but then remembered that he deserved that, so he settled for sighing and starting over.

"No really, I'm sorry. You're right. I was being a prick. But I'm not used to having all of these feelings."

"Like how a normal person would have feelings? Welcome to the real world Pinocchio. You're a real man now." He said in a sing-song voice dripping with sarcasm. Ikkaku reminded himself to ignore Yumichika's snide remarks, after all the man had a right to be pissed. Who the hell wants to spend an evening with a complete ass? Nobody. And Yumichika had been spending his evenings with a complete ass for a looong while. Ikkaku reasonably cut him some slack.

But the proximity was rousing feelings deep inside Ikkaku that he had not prepared for. Yumichika's scent was stirring him. It was a light scent that smelled faintly of melon and chamomile, but it was alluring nonetheless. He closed his eyes in an attempt to shake the unsettling feelings, but it only served to heighten his senses more. He had not even realized that he was burying his face into Yumichika's neck until he heard the other man's sharp intake of breath. Ikkaku opened his eyes, but seemed unable to draw his face completely away, settling for letting his lips touch lightly on Yumichika's neck. The doubt that was building up in his mind vanished. He wanted Yumichika.

"You look stunning." Ikkaku informed Yumichika's neck. "Is that what you want me to tell you? It's not enough I know. You look amazing. You look extraordinary. You look breathtaking. You smell enticing. You feel..." Ikkaku struggled to put into words how Yumichika was making him feel at that moment. And it seemed also, that Yumichika had suddenly developed asthma judging by the rapid intakes of breath he was suffering through as Ikkaku took his left hand in his, but not before looking Yumichika directly in the eyes asking for permission to touch him. Unfortunately for Yumichika, he seemed to have also come onto an acute and sudden attack of laryngitis and was thus, unable to utter a word. Instead, he just stood there looking shocked and a little bit scared. Nonetheless, Ikkaku proceeded without caution and brought Yumi's hand to his lips. The scent was there too and suddenly, Ikkaku's mind is filled with an old adage that he heard years ago. "You put scent on the parts of your body that you would like to be kissed." Well, if that's the case, Ikkaku reasoned... (for lack of a better word, because it's safe to say that he was no longer thinking with his brain.)

Ikkaku slowly sucked on the inside of Yumichika's wrist as sensually and naturally as if his lips were touching the finest, most delicate silk that was likely to fall apart at the slightest touch. The unexpected move caused Yumichika to gasp and he soon turned the colour of one of the red leaves on his kimono. He was shocked, but more so he was outraged. He was outraged that he seemed powerless to stop this. But he more outraged that he did not want Ikkaku to stop. This was why he was eternally grateful when two Hell butterflies gracefully fluttered into the room causing them to look up immediately and brace themselves for a sudden report of duty. They both stretched out their hands to receive the message.

_This is a gentle reminder to all Shinigami that previously intimated that they would be attending the seasonal dances in the 40__th__ District of the Rukongai. The lower districts of the Rukongai are experiencing civil unrest and as such, all Shinigami should be on the lookout for such episodes of such disturbances. Such instances should be reacted to immediately. _

The message had the effect of dumping a bucket of cold water on a fire; effectively stifling all outward signs of longing by both parties.

"So, um, you said we were going to dinner..." Yumichika said as he looked at Ikkaku. Well actually, he was not directly looking Ikkaku in the eye, but rather somewhere to the left of him.

Ikkaku hastily grabbed onto the distraction.

"Yes. Yeah, we should go. We should leave this room now."

The plan was readily agreed to by Yumichika who was out the door before Ikkaku had even finished his sentence.

*

Despite being cockblocked by the threat of civil unrest, Ikkaku seemed to be in a good mood. They were sitting in a small, quaint restaurant in the 40th District of the Rukongai. The place was quiet, but there were still patrons shuffling around in an out as this was one of the restaurants closely situated to the site of the seasonal dances. Ikkaku looked over at Yumichika, who was doing a marvellous job of concealing his left hand. Ikkaku only could only assume that he had marked his territory and a sly, wolfish grin crept up to his face. Yumichika on the other hand was positively mortified that he had this love bite to constantly remind him of his near relapse. Oh Ikkaku you play a cruel and dirty game, Yumichika furiously thought. Why can't you just let me hate you! But neither was willing to let the other know that he might be winning the war, so they kept their noses up and pretended that nothing happened back in Yumichika's room.

Ikkaku looked around the restaurant taking in the ambience. It's a stylish place with new, intricately decorated screens partitioning each table and soft cushions that made your butt feel like it's really been sitting on cotton balls or a cloud. Rich tapestry hung on the – Oh my goodness! He spotted them. The sake bottles were displayed artfully on a ledge behind the bar and in and around every customer's section. He was surrounded by his enemy. All of once that same sense of longing that he experienced in Yumichika's room was back. But now it was stronger and it focused on the dry, burning sensation of sake that he can almost taste.

"Oh my, you look stunning!" The young and perky waitress said to Yumichika as she eyed his attire with awe and a bit of unmasked envy. But Ikkaku barely heard her, for he just wanted her to hurry up so that he could tell her that he wanted a cup of sake for starters, followed by a bottle of sake and then a small glass of sake to complete the meal. On the waitress' prompt, Yumichika launched into a dissertation on kimono wearing and matching it perfectly to the season while Ikkaku was seriously thinking of taking up his chopsticks and piercing them into Yumichika's neck. He scanned the room again and realized that everyone was drinking sake. Everyone's head was tilted back, cheeks reddened from sake and good times. A heavy, awful depression hit him as he recognized that this is what it meant to be sober – un-fun.

And Yumichika just wouldn't stop talking! It amazed Ikkaku that the waitress seemed genuinely interested in the finer points of kimono-wearing when Ikkaku seemed to be slowly dying from despair and boredom. Such was his distress that he even managed to forget about his need for sake as he contemplated ducking under the table, ripping up the floor boards and digging through the concrete with his chopsticks just to escape the conversation. Eyes glazed over with ennui, Ikkaku was visibly surprised when the waitress put down in front of him a tall glass of freshly squeezed grapefruit juice. He looked up at Yumichika who was quietly sipping on his tea; careful only to lift the cup up to his mouth after the waitress left for fear that she saw the hickey on his wrist. And just like that Ikkaku realized what Yumichika was doing. During that never-ending, convoluted story, Yumichika had managed to suppress Ikkaku's desire to drink. Ikkaku stared at him for a while; the longing for the other man returning, but Yumichika refused to meet his gaze. Ikkaku quietly took a sip of his juice and mumbled a thank you so faint that only the ice cubes in his drink heard it.

"So," Ikkaku started off after the waitress put down their meal in front of them, and Yumichika looked up expectantly at him, understandably really since Ikkaku had just used a word that by its very nature induces expectations. But Ikkaku had nothing because he found himself surprisingly nervous. Yumichika, thankfully, saved him from conversational hell.

"We might see Matsumoto, Hisagi and Kira at the dances tonight. It'll be like a reunion. I heard a rumour that Hisagi asked Matsumoto out as a date, but she declined saying that she's going with her captain. But I don't think Hitsugaya knows yet that he's attending. I don't know what scheme she's going to put into action to get Captain Hitsugaya to show up because I heard that he hates those kinds of things. Poor Kira and Hisagi all by their lonesome themselves..." He lamented.

"Che. If Kira could convince Hisagi to dye his hair silver and be generally creepy and if Hisagi could get Kira to close his eyes all the time and spout nonsense about justice, I think that they just might like each other's company."

Yumichika threw back his head and laughed.

"But then maybe Kira might hook up with some guy and leave Hisagi in the dust."

At this Yumichika stopped laughing and stared at Ikkaku with his eyes opened wide.

"Yep. Kira told everyone in Rehab that he's into guys."

"What the heck, Ikkaku? Was that Rehab turning people gay? First you come telling me that you have 'very strong feelings' for me and now Kira too? Was it something in the water?"

"No, I think it was something in the air. They kept playing this song over and over. 'Dancing Queen' I think was the name."

Yumichika got this pinched up expression on his face as he tried not to laugh, but he failed because Ikkaku smirked at him and next thing he knew he was smirking too.

"But seriously, how was your Rehab experience?" Yumichika asked after he had sobered up.

"Whattaya want me to say? It was kind of psychedelic at first because they kept giving me these drugs to help ease my withdrawal symptoms. I don't know if they really worked because all it seemed to do was make me laugh out of context. Ya know, someone would ask 'where's the broom' and I'd be cracking up. Everything seemed just a little bit screwed up and I don't know if it's because of the drugs or because I wasn't drinking."

"I think it's the drugs. They have a nasty habit of messing with your perception. I'm sure if I were to eat some rice and then ingest some opium, it won't be the opium that makes me see a tiny green dragon crawling up my leg."

Ikkaku laughed heartily, but couldn't resist countering.

"But you shouldn't be surprised. You're used to seeing that kind of freaky shit. Have ya seen you're zanpakutou lately? It's a fucking bird-man."

Try as he might, Yumichika couldn't help but laugh.

"But seriously, Rehab was a living hell. Most times I just wanted to find my zanpakutou and fall on it."

"You're too lazy for suicide." Yumichika said as he tried his best to deflect with a joke the stifling sensation in his chest at the thought of life without Ikkaku.

"Che. How hard could it be to find some disinfectant and drink it?"

"First of all, disinfectant doesn't kill. It only leaves you with a horrible tummy ache and then you have to deal with irate, 'concerned' friends and family because you couldn't even kill yourself properly and gave them the extra trouble of worrying about funeral expenses."

Ikkaku stared at Yumichika suspiciously.

"Not that I would know." Yumichika added, "I'm too beautiful. Why would I kill myself and deprive the world of seeing my beautiful face?"

Ikkaku shook his head and rolled his eyes as he too got that pinched up expression from trying not to laugh.

"I suppose ya have a point, Yumi. I am too lazy for that. Get a stool, make sure it's the right height, find a rope, make sure it can support your weight, find a rafter, tie the right knot. Bleh. Ya right. Too much work." Ikkaku supposed.

"And besides, I'd be devastated." Yumichika said. He tried to pass it off as a joke, but the honesty came through in his voice.

"Would you really?"

"Of course I would. I may not want to be in a relationship with you, but you are my best friend. I would miss you."

Ikkaku however, only seemed to have heard a particular part of Yumichika's statement.

"You don't wanna be in a relationship with me?" He asked incredulously as he stared pointedly at the hickey on Yumichika's left wrist.

All of the capillaries in Yumichika's face appeared to have burst at once as he turned into a violent shade of pink and he hastily pulled his hand back from the table to let it rest safely hidden in the sleeves of his kimono. Ikkaku looked on in pleasure at his friend's obvious discomfort.

"It's not my fault that you can't control your urges." He replied in his haughtiest voice possible.

"You make me sound like some kinda rapist. Which, by the way, is not true and you know it. Up to now I can't pass through the – district because of what you said. And ya never once apologized!"

"Why should I apologize? You deserved that. You acted like a complete and total fool that day. You are to blame."

"What?! You're the one that told everyone that I raped some girl and that her brother is hunting me down!"

"But you deserved it."

Ikkaku opened his mouth to retort but Yumichika held up his hand for silence.

"We're getting nowhere. We were having a nice dinner. Let's not spoil it with arguing."

Ikkaku let out a resigned sigh.

"Yer right. We'll just end up splitting hairs on who's to blame."

"Splitting my hair, obviously."

Ikkaku looked up at him and growled, but Yumichika was already melting into peals of laughter and before Ikkaku knew it, he too was smirking.

*

The theatre itself was packed and Ikkaku and Yumichika just managed to get a seat in the balcony section on the second floor. They arrived late because like the message from the Hell butterflies indicated, there were signs of unrest in the Rukongai. They had to stop and break up some fights along the way between two factions from the lower districts. By the time Ikkaku arrived he was a bit sweaty and frustrated from having to find a seat and frustrated because he was aroused again after witnessing Yumichika fight while looking that good in his formal wear. The result was that now he couldn't even look at Yumichika and was thus forced to focus on the dances on stage.

Yumichika however, was very mistrustful of Ikkaku indeed. He knew that his friend hated the theatre, yet he was unable to tear his eyes away from the beautiful imagery in front of him. What was he up to? Yumichika spent nearly as much time looking at the dances as he did stealing glances at Ikkaku. Ikkaku looked interested enough, though he did have that scowl plastered onto his face. But that was no indication, since Ikkaku wore a scowl like he wore clothes. What was Ikkaku up to? Was he trying to prove that he could be nice and not a total idiot all of the time? Was he trying to take, or rather fake, an interest in the things that Yumichika liked so that he could prove a point? Yumichika was at a loss. Since his return, Ikkaku had yet to show a definite preference for the old Ikkaku. Instead, he wavered between giving Yumichika episodes of idiotic behaviour (like this afternoon in Yumichika's room) to the funny and charismatic behaviour that Yumichika had fallen for in the first place (like at the dinner that they had earlier.) Yumichika caressed the mark on his wrist and looked over at Ikkaku. He knew that Ikkaku could count on him not to relapse into drinking again, but who could Yumichika count on not to relapse for Ikkaku again? Before he knew it, he had missed half of the dances and intermission rolled in.

Intermission soon proved more hellish than the dances itself, Ikkaku soon realized. News had spread quickly that he had been to Rehab and was now a recovering alcoholic and like a beacon all of the struggling alcoholics sought him out with the intention of 'sharing' their stories of struggling with addiction and hope. There he was, trapped by some woman who was relating him the story of how she'd been addicted to the bottle for almost twenty years and blah blah blah. It was Rehab all over again, but without Scary Group Leader to mediate the sob stories. Talking about alcohol, but unable to get any. Nothing on Soul Society could be more torturous. Thankfully, Yumichika saved him again by bringing Hisagi, Matsumoto, Kira and a very annoyed-looking Captain Hitsugaya. But Ikkaku was instantly struck by Hisagi's hair.

"The hell happened to your hair?" Ikkaku asked as he stared at the white-silvery mess that dusted Hisagi's hair.

"I unfortunately tried to stop a fight between two of the Geisha dancers and they threw a compact of face powder at me." He said wearily. He didn't seem too down, as if he had already bought into Kira's depressing and resigned shit-happens attitude.

"Doesn't look so bad." Kira commented.

However, it was taking all of Ikkaku's and Yumichika's social decorum not to laugh as they remembered their earlier joke about the two Shinigami.

Ikkaku leaned over to Yumichika and whispered, "Hundred says that they're in bed together in the next six months."

"Deal." Yumichika whispered back.

Idle chit chat ensued, though it was a bit difficult to keep a conversation above the din of intermission. Captain Hitsugaya berated Matsumoto presumably for tricking him into coming to the theatre with her, but how she did it was lost in the noise. The clatter also managed to indirectly upset the recovering addicts for it seemed that they had trigger words. Similar to how one can hear one's name in a crowd of people, the recovering addicts had words or phrases that would instantly cause them to look up, but the result was a little more negative. Ikkaku spotted Captain Ukitake with Captain Kyoraku and wondered how on Soul Society that Captain Kyoraku escaped rehab. He couldn't help but comment that that "Sly, silver-haired fox" Ukitake was showing blatant nepotism, but Matsumoto only heard the 'sly fox' part and she thought someone was speaking of Captain Ichimaru. Her demeanour instantly changed to depression and Captain Hitsugaya, being the closet softie that he was for her, stopped quarrelling with her immediately. The same comment put Kira out of it too for the rest of the night. "No, I said it just is, not justice." But it didn't matter for soon Hisagi was a goner too. Ikkaku thanked heavens that nothing rhymed with Yumichika. Paprika? Not quite. But he supposed it would not matter since he had his constant reminder of why he drank with him all the time.

The dances resumed and Yumichika forced himself not to think about Ikkaku or the hickey on his wrist. He enveloped himself wholly in the beauty of the performances. But all too soon it was over and Yumichika found himself wondering exactly what Ikkaku's intentions were. He had to be weary of his opponent's next move if he wanted to win this battle.

"Ya had fun? Ya liked it?" Ikkaku asked as they slowly walked back to Seretei, choosing not to shunpo, but instead taking in the chilly night air and the bright moonlight. Yumichika was too busy worrying to notice that he was in a romantic situation.

"Yes, I did. It was very entertaining and beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Kind of something like me." He said dreamily.

Ikkaku chuckled because he expected Yumichika to say that.

"But did _you _enjoy it?" Yumichika couldn't resist asking.

"It doesn't matter if I did as long as you enjoyed it."

"That's not good enough. Why would you put yourself through something that you hate for me?"

"I'm trying to show you that I'm not a complete ass all the time. You're wrong about me."

"I know that you're not a complete ass all of the time, just most of the time."

Ikkaku scowled at him, but Yumichika only stuck his tongue out at him and continued.

"But you shouldn't have to try to be nice. Just be nice."

"It's harder than you think."

"No, it's not."

"Yumi, you are not nice either, so instead of me trying to be nice for you, how about we be mean together?" Ikkaku said and gave Yumichika another of his feral grins.

"Excuse you?!" Yumichika started up very affronted. "But I am a nice person."

"Ha! You are one of the meanest persons that I know. That tongue of yours is sharper than my zanpakutou."

"That's not true. I am a nice person. You're the mean person in this friendship. When poor Yamada sees you he nearly wets himself. You scare him shitless."

"Whatever. Yamada's own shadow scares him. But you, you're mean too. That's why we get along so great. You just like to front."

Yumichika was at a loss for the argument. And then as if to demonstrate that Yumichika was in fact meaner than Ikkaku, a situation arose to test them.

As they walked through the Rukongai they spotted a young boy crouched under the awning of a closed shop. The boy was trembling because he was all skin and bones and looked like he lacked blood to warm him in this chilly autumn night. Without any warning whatsoever, Ikkaku yanked the haori off of Yumichika and handed it to the little boy. In confusion, Yumichika stared at Ikkaku then at the boy then back to Ikkaku as he tried to register what just happened.

"What the hell are you doing, Ikkaku?"

"He's cold." He replied matter-of-factly.

"Yes, but that was my favourite haori." Yumichika answered as he yanked the haori away from the child's trembling hands. Other patrons from the Seasonal Dances that were walking back looked at Yumichika in disgust. He just robbed a poor, defenceless kid of shelter. Ikkaku took the haori and gave it back to the child.

"That has sentimental value to it. It's the only gift you ever got me." Yumichika persisted as he mumbled that last part.

"But he's cold and he doesn't have one, Yumi!"

"Of course he doesn't have one! He's a poor, homeless kid put here by fate to show me up to you that I'm just a selfish ass like you!" Yumichika spat at him and stormed off in a blur of shunpo. Ikkaku threw back his head and laughed as he raced up to meet Yumichika.

Ikkaku found Yumichika in his room sulking.

"Did you really give away my haori out of the goodness of your heart or just to make me see that I'm meaner than you?"

Ikkaku smiled as he walked over to sit next to Yumichika on the futon.

"Both." And he smirked at him.

"I see you're point. Apparently I too am an idiotic ass."

"Told ya."

"You must be rubbing off on me."

Ikkaku didn't bother to get annoyed at Yumichika's quip, but instead only laughed as he lay back down on the futon.

"What was the point in that, Ikkaku? So, what I'm mean. You're mean. We come together? Is that you're logic?"

"I'm a simple man, Yumichika. And besides, did ya see the way those people were looking at ya? It was fucking hilarious."

"That sick behaviour alone proves that you are more of an ass than me." Yumichika countered.

"Yean, but I don't have witnesses to my assish behaviour." Ikkaku chuckled.

"Hmmph. You think that because I was horrible once that that will be enough for me to forgive you for all of the times that you were horrible to me?"

"It was worth a try."

"So now, I should just fall into your arms like this, huh?"

Before Ikkaku knew it, Yumichika was on top of him pinning Ikkaku's hands above his head with one hand while his other hand roamed freely down Ikkaku's chest. Yumichika nuzzled his face into Ikkaku's neck; his lips only barely brushing the skin. The touch and the scent of Yumichika so close to him were driving Ikkaku insane. He could feel Yumi's hot breath in his ears and he felt his body tingle. The feathers on Yumichika's eyebrows and lashes tickled him sensually.

"Is that what you wanted me to understand? That I should be with you like this?" Yumichika whispered sultrily into Ikkaku's ear. Ikkaku couldn't find an answer because he seemed to have suddenly lost his voice together with all coherent thought.

"Well, it didn't work." Yumichika said back in his normal voice and was suddenly off of Ikkaku as quickly as he came on. "Try harder next time, Ikkaku." And he hauled Ikkaku up and forcibly threw him out of his room, leaving Ikkaku sitting on the front veranda confused and pitching a tent in his pants.

Yumichika however, was on the other side of his room laughing his head off. Maybe he could start to enjoy this chase that Ikkaku was putting him through. So far the score read: Ikkaku – one; Yumichika - one. The battle could go either way.

**A/N**: review please!


	11. Bringing Me to my Knees

**A/N**: Hello everyone. You know a lot of you have me on your alerts, etc, but only a few of you ever review. I guess that means that the rest of you don't like my story that much...Let me know what you think of this chapter. But major thanks to those that have reviewed. You are the best.

Funny note about me: recently I got sick and the doc told me that I must now lay off of the alcohol (at least for a little while). Oh the irony. :P

**Chapter Eleven**: Bringing Me to my Knees

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

Yumichika is avoiding me. On one hand, I'm really happy that he is because to me, that means that he's most likely starting to recognize that he is falling for me again and that means that I'm winning this battle. On the other hand, I'm not sure that I'm totally comfortable with the idea that he may be falling for me all over again. The thought that we might finally be in sync and have the right timing really scares me because that means that I'd have to be...in a relationship with him. Despite all the big talk, I'm still not sure that I'm ready to be with him. I hate having all of these feelings. I really do. And what's worse is that I have these feelings and I'm not altogether sure of what exactly I might be feeling. So far, I'm certain that I'm anxious. You see, that's why I drank. My original support group could be found in a six-pack of beer. No hard to define emotions there. Only cold, numbing drunkenness.

What I need is someone to tell me whether I truly am in love with Yumichika or am I just high on the possibility of winning the battle that is making him love me. What I need is someone who knows what love is. I don't want to do this the hard way and stumble through a relationship only to realize too late that I really don't like my partner; a realization that would one day cause me to slowly kill him by putting glass in his food. Like my zanpakutou, I am very lazy and since Rehab I have gotten used to the idea of people telling me what I am doing wrong and what I should do to correct it. I need to find that person, but unfortunately Scary Group Leader is probably busy mind-fucking other people and having a whale of a time.

Who do I know that has a pretty good grasp of the concept of love? Think. Think, Ikkaku.

Aha! I've got it!

And that was how I found myself entering a bar on Thursday afternoon looking for Captain Kyoraku. What I wasn't expecting was to see Matsumoto there fondling a bottle of sake.

"What the hell are you doing here, Matsumoto?!"

She looks visibly surprised to see me and for a second she stops really still and closes her eyes as if hoping that since she can't see me I can't see her.

"I can still see you!" I shout at her and flick her on her eyelids.

"Ow! Stop that! I'm here because..." she takes a deep breath to hide the blush on her cheeks, "I'm here because I miss sake and I've been watching Captain Kyoraku drink it. Just watching!" She hurriedly explains, "I'm only watching. I swear I didn't touch it! I touched the bottle. You understand don't you? Don't you?" Desperation was shining in her eyes.

The sad thing is I really do understand because all that time that she was talking I was enthralled with the image of sake going down someone's throat.

"So, ya just sittin' here, watchin' him drink?"

"Yes." She answers simply, her eyes lidded with shame.

I pause. Should I talk her out of this obviously unhealthy behaviour? Nah.

"Scoot over." I say as I take a seat next to her and opposite Captain Kyoraku.

"It would have been nice if you two were actually drinking _with _me, but I don't want Juushiro to have a fit if he hears that I was encouraging you two. This is isn't encouragement, right?" Captain Kyoraku asks.

"No!" We hurriedly reply as Matsumoto takes up his cup and I pour his drink.

He looks at us suspiciously.

"We're not exactly drinking. We're living vicariously through you. We're not doing anything wrong." Matsumoto offers up.

"That's true, but that doesn't mean that you should tell anybody about this." I say.

Captain Kyoraku looks momentarily uncertain and we shove the cup of hot sake in front of him. Like a child and a shiny object he soon forgets about what we talking about in the first place. Or at least he pretends to forget.

"Uh, Captain, I wanted to ask you a question." I start off after he slowly takes a bite out of a steamed bun. He looks at me expectantly and I falter because I was never very good at expressing myself, much less feelings that I don't know squat about.

"Umm...well, ya see." I clear my throat. "?" I blurt out. Just rip it out like a plaster over a wound – quick and less painful, though not painless.

"Ah. You want to know if you really love Yumichika-san." He smiles knowingly at me. My eyes open wide in amazement. "Oh I heard about what happened on visitor's day at the Rehab Centre." He answers my confusion as he stares at Matsumoto. I look at her to give her my most scathing look, but she suddenly found the ceiling most interesting.

"Are you committed to being with him?" He asks.

"I think so. I don't know."

"Listen here, Ikkaku-san. This love thing is just like alcoholism. You have to commit yourself to it. Look at me. I'm sacrificing my time to drink and then later even more time to chase my Nanao-chan. I am determined. I don't know if you have it in you, Ikkaku-san. Love is hard work." He lectures, shaking his head gravely.

"Ah, but Captain, I think that I'm pretty capable. I was a committed alcoholic just like you. I was focused on sake. I'm the Third Seat of the Eleventh Division. I put up with Yachiru every day. I don't wanna brag, but I think I can handle loving Yumichika."

"Yes, but can you commit to him? Can you really love him? Let me ask you a question. Why do you want to be with Yumichika-san?"

"Because..." I started to feel very silly saying these things out loud and I could feel myself turning red. Suddenly the temperature in the bar went up several degrees.

"Hmmm. If you can't confess your true feelings about him maybe you're not ready." Kyoraku says.

"Wait, no! He tells me that crap all the time. It's not true! I wanna be with him because...because he knows me and still he loves me. Everything that he does is for me. I had a really hard time admitting that I really want to be with him because he keeps bringing out the best in me. I fought it. I was never comfortable with that side. Because that's the side of me that realizes that I'm not nearly as good enough without him."

I shock myself together with Captain Kyoraku and Matsumoto. The strangest thing is that Yumichika comes to mind. I can see him telling me that I should not be shocked because I always performed best under pressure.

"Wow, Ikkaku-san. See, you didn't even need me. Sounds like you're really in love." Captain Kyoraku says, his face blushing, his eyes brimming with tears. I can't believe that I've turned into a walking romance novel.

"Kami," I lament, "when did I become so sappy?" I hold my head in my hands and try my best to ignore the strong scent of sake.

"Maybe I should beat the sappiness out of you." Matsumoto offers. I look up at her and I see a bit of pain hiding behind her eyes. I know what she's feeling. I can see that her mind is wandering to Captain Ichimaru and she's unable to drink to numb the memories and the feelings. She knows what I'm feeling. She knows that I'm not that comfortable with all of these emotions, so she's looking for the next best numbing thing – fighting. She's not so bad after all.

We leave the bar, albeit a bit unwillingly, and I follow her to the Tenth Division's training grounds. When I look back at where I went wrong that day, I would have to say it would be at that point, because when I got there I had to fight not only Matsumoto, but Captain Hitsugaya who found out that we were in a bar and would not believe us when we told him that we were just looking. "Really, we swear!" Two alcoholics in a bar just watching other people drink? Yeah right. With that tone of voice I wouldn't believe me either.

Meanwhile

I believe that I am losing the battle with Ikkaku. Despite the brave face that I put on for him when I last kicked him out of my room, I seem to have fallen for him again and this infliction is even worse than before. I don't know if it has something to do with the fact that I admire his efforts to woo me, or the fact that I have been celibate for more than fifty years, or the fact that I have always been weak for Ikkaku. I know. I truly am pathetic. That's why I've been avoiding him like the plague.

Hmm, bet that part about me being celibate for the last fifty years or so didn't escape you. I bet you probably didn't even the read the rest of what I said. So, alright, I'll tackle the issue now since I know that you're most likely scanning my words only seeing white spaces between black, reading just 'blah, blah, blah, celibate, blah, blah'. I have been celibate for years. My reasons for this are simple. It helps me to focus more on my battle skills and also, I have yet to find anybody worthy of touching my exquisite body. And that last point is quite important. Nobody seems to understand my predicament of being so beautiful. Ikkaku is lucky that he's an alcoholic. Everybody sympathises with him. You'll never hear someone saying, 'Well I sure hope that you grow out of that beautiful thing; we're rooting for ya!' No, I have to bear this burden of being so breathtakingly stunning all by myself. No one understands because there is no one as splendid as myself. They have no idea how hard I will have to search to find someone that's as impressive as me (though, Ikkaku is a pretty darn close match. Kami! I can't believe that I admitted that.) But alas, such is my burden of being beautiful and I will bear that cross.

Also, and I have barely admitted this to myself, I have been somewhat saving myself for Ikkaku. There I said it! I know it makes me sound like some blushing fifty year-old girl fresh from the Academy, but it's the truth. How shameful! I know what you're thinking. Fifty years?! You must think that I'm ready to jump anything that moves; that I'm hypersensitive and most likely unable to eat a hotdog in peace. But the answer is no. Being celibate is no different that say, staying away from meat or not smoking. It's really not that difficult and after a while you just get used to it. And fifty years in Soul Society is really only like five to ten years in the Living World. Time passes so strangely here. Besides, have you seen me? It's quite easy to stay true to yourself when you look as beautiful as I do.

But lately, stupid Ikkaku has been driving me insane! All of a sudden he's like sex on legs. I was fine. I was happy being a single, sex-deprived Shinigami until he came along with his 'I have strong feelings for you' and started sucking on my wrist like it's some sorta lollipop! Who does he think he is?!

_The sexiest Shinigami alive! _

Shut up, tiny voice inside me! You see. I have gone insane and it his fault.

I had gotten over him. Really, I did. It took all off my strength, but by the time I saw Ikkaku during his stay at Rehab, I was ready to give him up. And I did give him up. He's no good for me. And I know that despite what he says he still has not totally accepted his feelings for me. He can't even say that he loves me. He can only manage 'I have very strong feelings for you.' That's a big thing for me. If you cannot admit the feelings you have for the person that you love then that is not a healthy start for a relationship. I can foresee only hurt for me on the horizon. Or am I just being paranoid?

Another thing is that it's also quite possible that he returned from Rehab not only sober and possibly gay, but also bi-polar. One minute he's the asshole Ikkaku that I usually get and the next he's the sweetest man on Seretei asking me out on dates and telling me that I'm magnificent (which is true; I'm not contesting that). There can only be one crazy person in a relationship and I think it's safe to say that that person would be me. I don't know what to do and the whole situation has made me depressed. Should I take the chance and be with him? I have no idea. And that has led to my current predicament. I am sitting in the Third Division Lieutenant's office looking at depressing Kira as I tell him about my woes.

"So, Yumichika-san, is it that you want to commit suicide because you're depressed?" Kira asks me as we sit in his office sipping tea. I nearly choke on my tea as a response.

"No. That's not quite it. I was simply following the old adage that misery likes company and you are the most miserable person that I know."

"Ummm...thank you. I guess." Kira replies; still unsure of whether that was a compliment or not.

"You are welcome. But no, I am too beautiful for suicide. This ugly world needs something as beautiful as myself to remind them that there is beauty in the world."

"You're so noble," Kira deadpans.

I choose to ignore the sarcasm.

"But I suppose, Kira-san, that suicide is the most natural option that would first come to the mind of someone like you, no?"

"It is. There is no better way to truly escape the pains in your life."

"I don't think that suicide is for me." I reply politely, a bit uncertain of what to say. But really, what is the socially acceptable response in a conversation topic like this?

"I'm beginning to think the same thing. Suicide has a failure rate of more than ninety percent."

"Really? So after a failure of a life the poor sap is unable to take his life? How path-"

After I box myself into a conversational corner I realize too late that that 'poor sap' is most likely Kira.

"How pathetic?" He finishes for me, "I know. It is. I tried to hang myself once, but the rope snapped. I tried to overdose on some pills but Yamada-san confused my prescription with Vitamin C, so now I have a really strong immune system and I probably won't get the flu for the next quarter-century. I even tried to peep at Matsumoto-san once when she was in the shower (obvious suicide mission, I thought), but she thought that I was bi-curious and not just curious and gave me an impromptu lesson on the female anatomy. That's how we became friends coincidentally. I even took up drinking in the hope that I might speed up the process by killing my liver, but the Scary Group Leader in Rehab pointed out that that method will go down in history as dying from natural causes."

It is the first time that I've seen another emotion on Kira's face besides the usual sad, more sad and determined. Kira looks annoyed. Suddenly, I feel it is imperative to encourage him.

"You shouldn't give up Kira-san. I mean, you should continue to give up on life, but not on suicide. Good Lord, what am I saying?"

"No, you're right, Yumichika-san. You should do it too. You should give up on Ikkaku and join me in committing the perfect suicide!" Kira exclaimed with as much gusto and excitement as a defeatist possibly could muster.

"Umm..." How did I get myself into this mess?!

"Someone as beautiful as you is bound to pull off the most stunning suicide that the Seretei has ever seen. You'd be legendary!"

Now, I know that Kira is appealing to my over-developed sense of pride, but that doesn't mean that it's not working.

"Think about it, Yumichika-san. You could be rid of all of your problems and be known as the most beautiful man in Soul Society who committed the most beautiful suicide. And you could help me. Well, before you killed yourself, that is."

Despite the fact that Kira's voice reminds me of truly depressing and ugly thoughts like birds flying into windows and infanticide, his voice has managed to penetrate a small primal longing in me – to help out a friend. It had been such a long time that anyone saw Kira genuinely smile anymore, that I felt touched that he wanted me as his partner in crime that would make his life better by ending it. And who knows, maybe he is right. Maybe the answer to my problems in my life really is by getting rid of the life altogether. I don't know. But whatever the answer is, I'll find out as I do my friendly duty and help Kira on his quest to perfect suicide.

"Alright, Kira-san. Let's say that I'm interested in your idea, where do we start."

Kira beamed, meaning that he gave me his least sad look.

"That's so great, Yumichika-san. There's a class going on today that teaches people how to commit the perfect suicide. I think we should enrol."

And that's how it came to pass that I found myself sitting in a small room in the Twelfth Division taking notes on the scientific approach to suicide. I'm not in the least bit surprised that the class is being taught in this Division. One look at Captain Mayuri would make a man want to kill himself. Lieutenant Nemu Kurotsuchi droned on and on about how to make the proper slipknot, how to make deadly poisons that would taste delicious in one's drink and how the best suicides usually attempted two methods at the time to increase the success rates.

Luckily, I, together with Lieutenant Kurotsuchi, managed to convince Kira that those who can't do should teach and I last left him discussing plans with the Lieutenant to spread the depressing, suicidal word.

At the end of it all I realized something very important. Ikkaku may be an emotionally unavailable bi-polar and I may be a conceited, indecisive, paranoid schizophrenic. But we are not nearly as crazy as these people inside of here. My crazy threshold stops at Ikkaku. He's not that bad after all, I realized. Life with Ikkaku could not possibly be that bad, especially if no life means meeting up with all these weirdos in my after-afterlife. But Kira and his craziness did make me notice one thing. That I should be more open and accepting to the good things (Ikkaku and the way that he makes me laugh) and the bad things (Ikkaku and the way that he makes me homicidal) in life or else I could end up truly insane like Kira. And that is not beautiful.

* * *

"Yumichika!"

Ikkaku's room is situated about fifty feet away from Yumichika's, meaning that Yumichika could clearly hear Ikkaku shout his name provided that he shouted it loudly enough. It was near eleven o'clock that night and Yumichika, who had been washing the ink from his calligraphy brushes, froze when the call for him rattled through the stillness of the night. He had been avoiding Ikkaku for the past few days, but the way that his name was called sent alarm bells through him as he wondered if the civil unrest in the Rukongai spilled over into the Seretei and he flung himself through the door and raced towards Ikkaku's room. The only way that he could have reached faster was if he travelled by thought.

"What took ya so long?" Ikkaku asked as soon as he saw Yumichika pull the screen door aside.

Yumichika slammed the door shut again and was about to leave when he heard Ikkaku shouting again,

"Wait! Wait! I'm sorry. I was only joking."

With not a little effort Yumichika reopened the door and carefully and cautiously made his way in. He took in Ikkaku's appearance. He was wearing only the bottom part of his Shihakushō uniform and was lying flat on his stomach, hands on his side.

Yumichika, whose face was set like concrete because he wanted Ikkaku to know that he had used up all of his bullshit passes, casually asked what was wrong.

Ikkaku tried to hide his smile. Despite the cold look that he was receiving from the Fifth Seat, he knew that it was impossible for Yumichika not to care about him and Ikkaku knew that the worse he looked, the more sympathy he'd get. He let out a small and completely unnecessary groan before he spoke.

"Trained with Matsumoto today. Haineko's really tough. But then it got worse when Captain Hitsugaya found out that we'd been to a bar and he – "

"You were at a bar?!" Yumichika asked outraged.

"We didn't drink anything!"

Yumichika frowned and rolled his eyes.

"Ya do believe me, right? Right?"

Yumichika let out a long, contemplative sigh.

"I believe you. You have no reason to relapse. I know that you're stronger than that."

Up until that point Ikkaku had no idea that he didn't want to disappoint Yumichika. As much as Yumichika was the reason behind Ikkaku's drinking, he was the focus for his sobriety.

"Good." Ikkaku replied gruffly, "You better."

"Or else what?"

"Or else I'll kick your pansy ass into the ground."

"Ha! You wish. I seem to remember someone getting his jaw wired shut the last time I fought him. Hmmm...I wonder who that could be." Yumichika gloated as he walked closer to Ikkaku's futon to stand over him.

"Che. I was in a gigai. Ya always talk big as if yer some kinda six feet tall, two hundred pound man. Ants aren't even scared of ya."

Yumichika took his big toe and jammed it into Ikkaku's back causing the man to yelp in pain.

"What were you saying about ants?" Yumichika asked sweetly as he continued pushing his toe into Ikkaku's kidneys.

"Ow, ow, ow. Okay, okay. I'm sorry."

Yumichika removed his foot from Ikkaku's back; a smug smile plastered onto his face.

"Sadistic psycho." Ikkaku mumbled.

"So, Captain Hitsugaya punished you and Matsumoto through his training?"

"Yep. Now everything hurts."

"Big baby." Yumichika mumbled, but his expression had already softened.

"I need a massage." Ikkaku threw out.

Yumichika's eyes opened so wide he probably could have seen into the future, before he collected himself and smiled a devilish grin.

"Sure. I'll give ya a massage." He responded eagerly.

Ikkaku knew that he should have been weary when Yumichika so willingly agreed, but he was so expecting resistance that he didn't think of being cautious.

Without any warning whatsoever Yumichika jumped onto Ikkaku, mashing his feet onto the Third Seat's back as he stood atop him.

"What the fuck?! Get off!" Ikkaku wailed.

"Oh shut up, you big baby! You're getting a Swedish back massage."

"You lie!" Ikkaku grounded out as Yumichika walked all over him.

"You're right. It's probably Indian."

"You little – oh."

"See. It works." Yumichika said as he danced on Ikkaku's shoulders.

"At least take off your tabi and do a proper job."

"Sure." Again Ikkaku should have been worried but he was too busy enjoying the pressure on his upper back. Yumichika suddenly shifted his entire body weight onto one foot as he lifted his right foot up to remove his tabi.

"Ow!" Ikkaku screamed and shifted which caused Yumichika to lose his balance and thus, bring down his right foot with unguarded force onto Ikkaku's lower back.

"Arghhh! You fucker! Get off!" Ikkaku screamed at him as he rolled over onto his back causing Yumichika to tumble over onto him in a fit of laughter.

"You're an evil, sick bastard." Ikkaku said quietly as if a matter of fact after Yumichika stopped convulsing from laughter.

"I have only your best interests at heart."

"Right."

They were tangled up in each other, but had yet to notice. Ikkaku had yet to realize that Yumichika was lying on his chest, his head sheltered in between the crook of his neck and his shoulder. And Yumichika hadn't yet caught on that Ikkaku's right leg was draped over his left leg. But it was Ikkaku who realized first.

"How come ya not moving away from me?" Ikkaku asked after a silence had passed between them.

Yumichika's entire body stiffened immediately as he became hyper-perceptive to any inch of his body that was touching Ikkaku. In what he hoped was a casual fashion, he moved away his leg as a sudden emotion swept over him. It was a mixture of excitement and fear.

"You alright?" Ikkaku asked in a soft tone.

"Why you ask?" Yumichika asked as if he just got caught stealing the _Hōgyoku. _

"You're pulse is rising." Ikkaku pointed out with a small smirk to know that he was the cause of that. Yumichika froze in confusion, but soon remembered that his neck was resting on Ikkaku's chest and his pulse could be felt. He inwardly cursed as he made an effort to calm his pulse.

"Why ya so scared of me, Yumi?"

"Because you are a selfish bastard that lashes out when things get too emotionally uncomfortable and I don't want that." Yumichika answered almost immediately. Ikkaku frowned as he wondered whether Yumichika had that answer planned all the time.

"Che. Everybody's selfish, Yumi. Imagine that yer on a boat and it was sinking and there's only one space left on the life raft. If you are standing next to anyone besides me or your mother, you should expect a battle. It's just natural to be selfish. Deal with it."

Yumichika laughed.

"What?"

"Orihime Inuoe. She'd probably give up her space."

"First of all, she'd be expecting Ichigo to save her. But let me tell you she'd better pray that Rukia's not standing next to him."

Yumichika laughed and looked at him like, _you idiot._ Ikkaku looked at him like, _you dodo head_.

Ikkaku shifted down the futon a bit so that he could be face to face with Yumichika. Yumichika turned his face away from him, but Ikkaku took his chin in his hand and turned his face back to him.

"I'm ready now." Ikkaku almost whispered. Yumichika could hear the seriousness in his tone and his eyes dilated in fear as Ikkaku leaned in and kissed him. But soon he too gave into the feeling as he closed his eyes and returned the kiss with all the passion that had been waiting years to be unleashed, while Ikkaku wondered why the fuck hadn't he been doing this all along.

When they finally pulled apart gasping and even more entangled in each other, Yumichika felt like he had lost precious oxygen to his brain. That's probably why he scampered up from the futon and bolted for the door with Ikkaku hot on his heels strangely thinking, 'I've got a runner. Should I tackle him?' Ikkaku almost laughed as he thought of himself very unromantically tackling Yumichika and forcing him to stay. It would only give Yumichika more reason to call him a rapist again, he cynically thought, and instead said,

"Yumichika stop."

It was as if he'd press a button in Yumichika's brain that controlled his motor functions for he froze by the door, his back to Ikkaku.

"Oh you creep up like the clouds, Ikkaku." Yumichika said to the door. Ikkaku came up behind him and turned him around.

"Stop running from me, Yumi. I've stopped running from ya. Let me catch you." Ikkaku whispered as he slowly removed the orange neck-apparel and his lips moved down Yumichika's neck.

"You win. But let me tell you that I was on to your every move."

Ikkaku gave him his feral grin, oblivious to how much that smile caused a small fire within Yumichika as he untied the man's obi.

"Yeah. I almost didn't catch ya. We're right in front of the door. That's how close you were to leaving. But ya didn't."

"Oh shut up."

"Gladly. I can find better things to do with my mouth."

Yumichika blushed all shades of red as he let Ikkaku drag him down to the floor.

* * *

A/N: Review please and let me know what you think. :D


	12. I'm On Fire

**A/N**: Huge cyber hugs and cookies to all of you that reviewed. You are the absolute best. Btw remember how in the first chapter's author's note I said that this story is going to be a romance/humour/angst? Well it's going to get a bit angsty coming down to the end. Can't say I didn't warn you.:P

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**Chapter Twelve**: I'm On Fire

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

I hear the screen door slam shut sometime around seven as I brush my teeth in Yumichika's bathroom. He foregoes the couples cliché of 'honey, I'm home' and instead alerts me to his presence by loudly clunking his zanpakutou onto the floor and sighing loudly as he plops himself onto the futon. There's no need for him to greet me with a 'good evening, dear.' I know it's him. Who else is such a dramatic attention-hog? I know my role however. I ask the obligatory 'what's the matter?' as lacklustre as one would when one has absolutely no patience for that sort of diva behaviour at this hour of the night.

Loud sigh follows my question. I could have bet my life that he was going to do that. I know him so well.

"Oh Ikkaku, I had such a horrible day. I don't know if I even want to talk about. It's such a long story –"

"Well alright then. Yer'll just tell me it later." I shout back at him through a mouth full of toothpaste.

In retrospect, that was a bad move. I should have known better that he was not finished. But whether my hastiness was caused by my eagerness to escape a story about his day that I'm sure is not really that bad or whether it was caused by swallowing too much of the poisonous fluoride toothpaste, I'll never know. What I do know, however, is that now I could hear his angry footsteps coming towards the bathroom to give me a speech-off of a lifetime. Yes, I can feel his anger before he even reaches me and there's a high chance that I'll be telling the rest of this story as a ghost writer – as in I'll be deader than how dead I am now.

"You son of a fucking insensitive prick! I can't believe that you would just cut me off like that, when you knew that I wasn't finished. You know that I would listen to all of your coma-inducing stories about how much money you won gambling this evening."

He goes on and on and the only thing that my mind focuses on is how no one knows this side of Yumichika – the side that calls me a son of a fucking insensitive prick. No one gets to see him lose his cool as often as I do and suddenly I have a familiar feeling come over me. I'm feeling lucky. No one knows that he has a very dirty mouth. No one knows the way that he gets a crinkle over his nose in a slightly arousing fashion when he's angry and yelling at me. Nobody knows that the most beautiful man in Seretei turns into a complete retard at the point of climax. I suddenly understand Yumichika when he told me that that is one reason to be with a man as beautiful as him. No man is good-looking when he has an orgasm, so why should I start at the finish line with an already ugly person? Anyway, I feel lucky and privileged that I get to see all sides of Yumichika and a small smile creeps up onto my face. Again, a bad move on my part. I'm about to be turned into Hollow food. His eyes widen at my seemingly nonchalant attitude towards his incessant quarrelling and he opens his mouth to probably yell louder or bite my head off, I don't know, when suddenly, he pauses and narrows his eyes in confusion.

"Is that my toothbrush?"

Out of the fire and into the frying pan.

"What toothbrush?" I ask stupidly; my mouth full of foam, my hand holding his toothbrush.

"You – you – you could never –" He splutters.

Finally, I have managed to render Yumichika speechless enough that he is unable to string together a sentence.

"Are you INSANE?!" He screams at me and I am almost positive that his voice was heard not only in Soul Society, but it has also managed to break the time/space continuum and was heard in the living world as well.

"What?" I ask innocently. What? I like seeing him all riled up.

"Don't you 'what' me. Ikkaku, that's disgusting and unbeautiful. That's my toothbrush."

I look at him in absolute shock at his choice of words. Anybody seeing my face would have sworn that Yumichika just told me that he was snorting opium off of Captain Kuchiki's ass.

"Disgusting? Do ya remember what ya was doing to me last night?" I ask full of indignation. "Do ya remember where ya mouth was? Yer mouth was –"

"There is no need to remind me! I was there!" He screams at me again as he turns a clear shade of candy apple red. Yumichika haaaaaates it when I bring up our sexual escapades, even in front of him.

"You are such a prude." I say and watch him struggle to fight back a smile.

"I'm not a prude and you're an idiot." He says but there is no malice in his voice. Threatening to expose his bedroom talents has dampened his fiery rage. I must take a mental note of that for future fights. "Why don't you just bring all of your things over here since you spend almost all of your spare time here? That way you won't have to use my toothbrush."

I have no reply to this other than to spit out the foam from my mouth and hang up his toothbrush where it usually resides and an awkward silence fills in between us.

"Are you finished?" He asks after a while in what he hopes is a casual tone, but his voice sounds weary.

"Yeah." I hurriedly answer and we sidestep each other as he enters and I exit the bathroom.

I open the back veranda knowing that I have at least an hour and a half's wait before Yumichika would be finished inside of the bathroom. Snow has fallen and a light dusting coats everything like powdered sugar. My mind returns to Visitor's Day at the Rehab when Yumichika in an attempt to calm my alcoholic urges told me to take in the beauty that is around me. I try to do that now because my mind is screaming for a drink. I have a bad desire. I'm on fire for a drink and I need him to cool my desire. I close my eyes in an attempt to clear my head and focus my thoughts on the simplistic beauty in nature, but my mind can see only one thing – Yumichika and his poorly hidden look of disappointment when I didn't answer him just then.

Since I have hooked up with Yumichika I have never been happier. The past month has been wonderful. We still fight and insult each other constantly, but that's exactly why the relationship is so great. We are still friends. Nothing has changed except now I sleep in his bed. But something is off. I don't know what it is. All I do know is that it feels like we're holding back something. But holding back what and for what reason? The answer to that is beyond me. I would discuss it with him, but for the first time I feel as if I can't talk to him about an issue. Something's off and I know it. An anxiety runs throughout me like a low current and I crave a drink. I want to get that slightly buzzed feeling where your mind feels a bit heavy and your entire concentration is for keeping your mind in that state. I want that. I don't want to have to worry about that feeling that something is wrong with my relationship with Yumichika.

I close my eyes and lie back on the veranda, feeling the coldness of the night air penetrate through my bones. I look up after a while and it feels like the night sky is right up to my face. I almost put my hands out to touch it. It is so striking.

"Ikkaku, are you ready?"

I jump at the sound of Yumichika's voice. I must have fallen asleep. Yumichika could never be ready in five minutes. I look up at him. He's standing over me so I have a clear view of him and the stars framing him in the background. I raise my hand and he pulls me up, but when he makes an effort to move back inside I pull him back and kiss him deeply. I've been kissing him for about a month now, but it never fails to excite me. A knot in the bottom of my stomach and somewhere close to my groin tightens when I kiss him. He leans into the kiss and wraps his hands around my neck, any trace of annoyance or anger from our earlier argument vanishing. The coldness around us only magnifies the heat that is being generated from the closeness between us. I place my hand at the small of his back and bring him even closer to me, which is an impossible feat, unless suddenly we fuse together. We feel each other's hard excitement and the kiss deepens, but we must breathe and we surface breathless with me giving him a small bite on his lower lip.

"We'll be late. We have to meet Matsumoto, Hisagi and Kira at the restaurant in a bit." He whispers to me sounding like he's having a heart attack.

I want to tell him something, but I don't know what. Why am I feeling so anxious? I look him in the eyes hoping that I might find the answers, heck, that I might find the question that I'm looking for. But I don't get that. All I see is a jumble of emotions that has always made me uncomfortable. I close my eyes and settle for resting my head on his forehead, feeling his feathers tickling my face, taking in his subtle scent.

"Ikkaku, are you alright?" He asks after a while.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Good. Because I'm bloody freezing!"

My head snaps up to look at him.

"I'm being romantic here, ya fool."

"You left the warmth and comfort of inside to come out here in the freezing cold backyard to be romantic? You could never be serious."

"But look how pretty it is here. I thought you'd appreciate the beauty." I say the word 'beauty' in a highly mocking style.

"If I want to appreciate beauty I'd take up a mirror and look at myself."

He says that with a straight face. No lie. But I should not be surprised. This is Yumichika after all.

"It's the thought that counts." I ground out.

"What, the thought to freeze us together out here? Because frostbite does not sound the least bit romantic to me."

And so, we left for our dinner with Matsumoto, Hisagi and Kira – in the middle of another fight. But what's new?

*

We arrive at the restaurant and Hisagi and Kira are already seated waiting for us. We sit down, run through the customary hellos and how are yous. Matsumoto soon joins us and tries to sit down at the table casually, but we won't allow her to sit in obscurity, especially when she is wearing her new fashion statement – extremely dark, boxy and square sunglasses at nine o'clock at night.

"Are you planning on welding and fabricating something tonight, Matsumoto-san?" Yumichika asks with a huge smirk on his face and we break down into peals of laughter.

"My eyes hurt." Was her first excuse.

"Are you planning on being the female Ray Charles of the Seretei?" Hisagi offers and we all crack up.

"You know, Renji wears sunglasses all the time and no one tells him anything!" She says testily.

"That's because he's trying to cover up that massive billboard forehead he has that unfortunately his tattoos only exacerbate." Kira explains in his usual miserable voice.

"Ooh," She cries in frustration and whips the glasses off in rage and shoves it down her cleavage where it gets lost. I have a feeling that lots of things get lost in between those massive breasts. We should start our search for the underwater city of Atlantis and the Ark of the Covenant in there first.

"But seriously, Matsumoto, what's up with the shades?" Hisagi asks.

"The Fourth Division told me that I have an eye strain." She mumbles.

"How do you get that?"

"From staring at things for too long." She practically whispers, her head down as she informs the table.

I want to burst out laughing because I (together with Yumichika – I tell him almost everything) am the only one that knows Matsumoto's new vice is to stare longingly for unhealthy periods of time at sake. No, she's not drinking any. She only sits there and fondles the bottles and stares at them as if in a staring competition with the bottles. And when she's not doing that, she sits like a pervert in the back of a bar and watches other people drink. She looks at me from the corner of her eye beseeching me not to open her weirdo files.

"So, Kira how are those classes coming along?" I ask, and Matsumoto mouths a silent thank you to me.

"It's going great," He answers, "So far, five people that I've thought has successfully killed themselves."

No one knows what to say to this. Should we congratulate him or set up an inquest? Thankfully, Hisagi interrupts the awkward silence.

"I have an announcement to make," Hisagi speaks up after our food has been set down. We look up at him expectantly. "Izuru and I are now in a relationship." He smiles happily, while Kira looks like they just told him that he's to be executed by hanging, but we know that he's happy on the inside.

It takes us a moment to recover, but it's Matsumoto who breaks the silence first.

"I thought that you liked me." She asked, confusion settling on her pretty face.

"I was over-compensating." Hisagi answers and Kira nods understandably. I whisper to Yumichika that he has money for me.

"Hmm. Okay. Well that's just great. Everybody is having fun male-on-male sex and I'm just...here." She says and jabs at her tempura shrimp with venom.

"You should be happy that you escaped with your heterosexuality intact, Matsumoto," Yumichika responds, "since everyone at that Rehab is turning out gay."

"It probably has something to do with all that Cher music they kept playing." Kira mumbles.

There's a beat where everyone simply stares at him dumbly.

"Izuru," Matsumoto starts off, "you made a joke. A really funny joke too." She finishes and beams at him like her son just took his first steps.

"Wow, maybe it's a sign that you're getting happier, Kira." I offer.

"I am happy." He says while looking like his entire family died in a horrible massacre.

The entire table sweatdrops.

"But let me correct you there, Matsumoto. Kira and I are not having sex. We're practising abstinence for a while."

"Well that explains a lot." I say as I look at Kira's depressed face.

Yumichika looks at me like, _you ass._

"Don't worry about him, Hisagi. I understand where you're coming from. I'm practising what you're preaching, albeit unwillingly." Matsumoto says as she impales another shrimp with her chopsticks.

"Well, we just think that we should take the relationship slow. We're great friends after all and we don't want to ruin it by jumping into sex too early. I think that you two especially should look into this line of thinking." Kira explains.

Yumichika and I exchange looks. We feel personally attacked by this line of thinking because since our initial kiss about a month ago we have fucking like bunnies as if to make up for lost time and we can't see a reason why we shouldn't. Like a united front, we feel that we must make Kira and Hisagi realize just how ridiculous they're being, and we launch our attack.

"So Hisagi, what are you going to do with that wholesale size jar of Vaseline that you're no longer using?" Yumichika asks. Matsumoto bursts out laughing while Kira and Hisagi try to recover from the shock. I take their lapse to swoop in and make them even more uncomfortable.

"Because if you're not using it, we sure can use it."

Kira shuffles very uncomfortably in his seat. Hisagi tries to kill me with his eyes. Matsumoto is probably going to die of laughter.

"We just think that if we wait a while, the sex will be even more meaningful." Hisagi says.

"I can't see why it won't be meaningful now. You can't tell me that you don't like it when someone strokes your erection. And here you have a willing participant and not just your right hand that you've sat on so that it feels like someone else's."

Hisagi turns a violent shade of pink, which gives away the shot-in-the-dark truth to Yumichika's statement. Kira's head is bent so low to the table that his nose is almost touching his soup. Matsumoto cackles.

"Listen," Hisagi says eager to defend his stance, "I want this relationship with Izuru to work. You two of all people should understand my point. Just like Izuru and I, you and Ikkaku have been friends for years. You should take it slowly and get to understand each other as a couple and commit to a deeper relationship with this person before you jump into sex."

I think I liked Hisagi better when he was drunk, instead of trying to convert me to lead a sexless life. I understand what Hisagi is saying, but Yumichika and I aren't going down without a fight. We are from the Eleventh Division, you know.

"It will get hard –"

"No doubt there." I interrupt him and he stares daggers at me.

"It will get hard to say no, but it is for the greater good of the relationship. You'll be even closer. I'm sure of it."

"But we're pretty close now. Do you have any idea how close you become with another person when he's making feel like you're touching heaven?" Yumichika asks. He casts me a sideways glance, which translates into 'see, I'm not a prude.' He continues,

"Hisagi, you seem to have forgotten what it's like to have that kind of closeness and pleasure from someone that you lo –" He cuts off suddenly and jerkily shifts words, "-really appreciate." He finishes, a bit lamely.

"Maybe he needs a reminder." I say with a feral grin and Yumichika picks up my line of thinking immediately, which is amazing since what I was thinking could never be interpreted just by those five words alone. His eyes open in hesitation at first, but he is determined to prove to me that he is not a prude and to Kira and Hisagi, that they are talking nonsense.

Now, I never actually touched Yumichika in any lewd way at the table that night, but it was for Hisagi and Kira's benefit that they think I did. I slide down my hand in what looks like a rather indecent move, when really my hand was simply rubbing Yumichika's thigh. Yumichika of course likes nothing better than having all eyes fixated on him and begins the show. He starts with some heavy breathing and light moaning. Hisagi looks on in shock, while Kira seriously runs the risk of drowning in less than three inches of miso soup. Matsumoto looks on enthralled. Yumichika escalates the staged moaning with breathy whispers of my name. You know, the full show. By the end of it all, Hisagi is as red as a tomato and Kira seems to have made a vow to never again look us in the eye.

"If I smoked, here is where I'd light one up." Matsumoto says.

"You two bastards deserve each other." Hisagi said after he could find his voice.

But it's Kira who has the most surprising thing to say.

"I can see your point, Ikkaku-san and Yumichika-san."

Hisagi nearly keels over in shock.

"Shuuhei, maybe we should reconsider our stance." Kira says to Hisagi.

"Don't worry Izuru, if he won't do you, I would. I'll turn you back onto the straight and narrow path, if you know what I mean."

Everyone laughs and despite his best efforts, Hisagi starts to chuckle also.

"You guys are the worst friends ever." He mumbles.

"We're here for ya." I say.

*

"I think it's safe to say that you recovering alcoholics need to have some sort of out-patient programme." Yumichika says to me after we reach home and are lying comfortably on his futon.

"Why do ya say that?"

"Why do I say that? Is that a rhetorical question? After that dinner I've realized that you people are slowly going insane. Matsumoto has picked up some strange version of sake voyeurism. Kira's new pastime involves convincing people to kill themselves. And Hisagi has turned into some Mr. Morality. You're the only sane one in the bunch."

I laugh as the silliness of my friends is highlighted so glaringly obvious, but I feel a sense of sadness that they might be in serious trouble.

"Scary Group Leader spoke about this in our last week. She said that there's a high chance that we'll try to re-focus our efforts for alcohol onto something else. It's really dangerous, she said, because when you're busy looking elsewhere, the alcoholism sneaks up on ya and next thing ya know you've relapsed."

"I don't think that will happen to you though." He says as he sits up and sits cross-legged and stares down at me. "I have absolute faith in you that you will not relapse. You're really strong and you've turned your life around."

I smile but say nothing. It feels really good to have his unwavering belief in me. But then again, sake also feels good. I don't want to tell him that without him I honestly don't think that I'd be able to make it. He went to the bathroom and left me alone for an hour and I started to feel panicky for crying out loud! I want to tell him something, anything, but make it as far as opening my mouth and instead settle for holding his hand. As usual, he recognizes when something is troubling me and he instantly averts me from the crisis that is brewing.

"Would you like me to read to you?" He is up and walking over to the bookcase and pulling out a book before I even answer. He sits back down on the futon, opens the heavy book almost to the middle and starts to read as if we were reading this before. It's a descriptive story of a Shinigami's life on the battlefield. Yumichika skips over to the portrayals of battle scenes because he knows that I would appreciate those scenes the most.

I close my eyes and think that this is such a relief. To just lie here with him and listen to him describe tales of gory and glorious deaths on the battlefield is extremely relaxing. I feel really connected to him because I know, like me, he is getting lost in the splendour of magnificent fights.

I close my eyes and my breathing slows down and becomes more regular, but I am not sleeping. My mind is simply still and I'm enjoying it. That's probably why I didn't correct Yumichika when he said,

"Hmmm...it looks like you've fallen asleep."

I hear him get up and replace the book in its proper place. He returns to the futon and lies down next to me, resting his head on my chest. What I wasn't expecting was for him to start speaking.

"I know that you're sleeping, but I suppose this is the best time for me to speak to you since I seem unable to speak to you otherwise." He informs my chest. I stay very still and listen. "I love you so very much, but I know that you haven't reached there as yet. That's probably why I haven't told you that I love you yet. We're on different levels. 'I have very strong feelings for you.' That's all that you ever said to me, but I know that's as far as you've reached, but I'll wait for you. You don't even want to bring your own toothbrush over here, but that's okay. I'll wait for you to make that move on your own. Just don't make me wait only to hurt me. Please don't hurt me. I beg of you, don't hurt me."

I don't move or say anything to this confession, not out of choice, but rather I am paralyzed by his words. A fear grips me and I make an effort to calm my beating heart so that he would not notice. I should say something, but I don't. Instead, I continue to pretend to sleep and ignore the wetness on my chest caused by his tears.

*

The sounds of the alarm ringing through the Seretei wake us up with a start. We hurriedly get dressed only stopping to look at each other in confusion when a Hollow's screeching cry pierces through the night. We bolt outside to find out that Soul Society is in a state of utter confusion. The civil unrest going on in the Rukongai has reached its breaking point culminating in the lower districts clashing with each other, but yet putting up a united front to destroy the supposedly bad governance of the Seretei. The unrest has caused hurt, frustration, anger and disappointment to fester like a sore with the result being an increase in the amount of Hollow appearances that come to feed on the dissatisfaction.

The place is in chaos. The northern wall has been broken down and hoards of rioting lower Division Rukongai dwellers are battling with lower ranking Shinigami, while the higher ranking officers are busy fighting off Hollow after Hollow to protect those same rebels. Why? Because that's our job.

Off to one side we see Matsumoto battling three Hollows at once with Haineko's grey ash growling furiously. Captain Hitsugaya is both watching her back and battling a hoard of Menos Grandes. Hisagi and Kira can be seen just outside the fallen Northern Gates battling Hollows and insurgents at the same time.

"Che. They may be crazy, but they're damn good Shinigami." I mutter. I look at Yumichika and he nods to let me know that he is ready. And we both jump into the fray.

Suddenly we feel a stifling reiatsu and we look behind us to see Captain Zaraki.

"What, you boys planning on having all the fun to yourself?" He smiles his serial-killer grin.

"Yeah!" Yachiru pops up from behind him. I should have known that brat would have been here. "You can't keep all of the fun to yourself, Pachinko-head."

"Stop calling me that." I growl at her. Why do I even bother? She obviously ignores me.

"You didn't even tell us that you and Feather-brows were going to see the seasonal dances!" She squeaks at us.

"Yeah," the Captain surprisingly agrees, "I like nice things too. I would have liked to see the dances. You guys act like I'll kill people in the audience and wear their skins as trophies, which I only did that one time."

Yumichika and I stare at the Captain in confusion. Has he finally tripped? Suddenly, he raises his sword and in one fell swoop he cuts down an insurgent that was creeping up behind us. He lets out a maniacal laugh.

"You boys are too slow on the draw." And away he goes cutting down people and Hollow like trees with Yachiru's screams of delight echoing in the atmosphere.

"Ikkaku?"

"Yeah?" I answer, still a bit dazed by that weird encounter.

"How about after this we take a vacation from all of these freaks?"

I look over at him and smile. He smiles back.

"Deal. But first, I bet ya I'll take down more than ya."

"You wish, Madarame." And he smirks at me knowing that calling me that turns me on.

"Oh, ya getting me all excited. Hurry up."

And with that we both head off in different directions. I take the left and he takes the right.

The battle is fierce. The place is cold, a situation only further exacerbated by Captain Hitsugaya and Rukia's ice-based zanpakutou that have left captivating ice impressions wherever they battle. Explosions can be heard from Renji's bankai and Ichigo's Getsuga Tenshou has left massive craters in the earth. But I have no time to study what any other person is doing except for myself and Yumichika. Three Hollows converge on me at the same time. I hate that. Why don't they attack me one on one the way a fight is supposed to be? But they are creatures whose sole purpose to find and eat souls – they have no concept of a fair fight. It doesn't matter. I cut them down easily.

I hear a woman's scream and see a young woman and child running for cover from a group of insurgents. Now that's just wrong.

"Hey!" They do not stop. Well, those who won't hear will feel and l let loose Hōzukimaru on them. This is going to be a great battle. Yumichika is so going to lose our bet.

The battle rages on for hours until the sun creeps up letting in a bit of pink and yellow light onto the battlefield that Soul Society has become. I am tired, but happy. I have killed one hundred and twenty-nine Hollows together with forty-two rebels. Beat that Yumichika. The rebellion was quelled and bloodied bodies are everywhere. Buildings are crumbling around themselves, the earth scarred and punctuated with battle wounds. I spot Hisagi and Izuru who are just sheathing their swords.

"Hey, you guys alright?"

"Yes. That was a fierce battle." Kira says, still breathing hard.

I nod my head enthusiastically, the adrenaline still coursing through me.

"Hey, any of ya seen Yumichika?"

"No. I haven't seen him since our dinner last night. Hard to believe that we had something as normal as that when we're standing in the remnants of a disaster like this." Hisagi says.

"Hmm." I respond a bit distractedly. I spot Matsumoto.

"You seen Yumichika?" I ask her.

"No. Not since last night. Why don't you search for his reiatsu?" She asks and I feel like slapping myself. Well duh, Ikkaku.

Except I don't feel anything from him.

Not wanting to sound overly anxious or panicky, I tell the others that I can't sense his reiatsu. They too try to pick up his spiritual pressure but come up empty handed. I see Matsumoto, Kira and Hisagi exchange worried glances. I try my best to ignore the look.

"We should split up and look for Yumichika-san." Kira says and we all agree. I take the north; Hisagi takes the south, while Matsumoto and Kira take the east and west respectively.

It is painfully slow work because there are bodies everywhere, though I am not looking for a corpse. Blood stains the pristine snow. The slightest glimpse of orange, red or yellow or anyone with black hair sets me up with false and crushing hope. I spend an hour looking for him, asking every person that comes into my path for him. Frustration threatens to send me insane when suddenly I hear a familiar voice calling my name. I turn around to see Yamada standing behind me looking like he's on the verge of wetting himself. Maybe Yumichika was right. Maybe I do scare him shitless.

"What?" I round on him and I swear I see darkening spots near the groin part of his hakama.

"I-I-I-Ikkaku-san, I think that you should come to the Fourth Division right away. Yumichika-san is there."

I don't bother to say thank you or anything at all. My only thoughts are to get there as quickly as possible. I reach there in record time, breathless and about to act like every Fourth Division member's worst nightmare.

"Where is he?" I snap at random people. They already know whom I'm referring to. "You worthless pieces of shit, tell me what's going on with him? Why can't I feel his reiatsu?" I ask a young un-seated officer who is so scared he begins to cry.

"Please don't bully my officers, Ikkaku-san." The soft, but firm voice of Captain Unohana rings in my ear.

"Captain," I ask all humble now, "where is he? Is he alright? Why can't feel his reiatsu?"

"Yumichika-san was severely injured and has received severe traumatic brain injuries. He has fallen into a deep coma and there's a high possibility that he may never wake up. Even if he does, there is a very slim chance that he'll make a full recovery." She nods at me compassionately and squeezes my arm gently as a reminder that she cares and that she is so sorry.

I stare at her for a few moments, not really seeing her. I want to cry, but I don't. I want to crumple into a heap and cry my eyes out, but I don't. Instead I turn on my heels and exit the Fourth Division. I could dimly hear Captain Unohana calling after me, but I do not turn back. I walk straight out of the Seretei and into the Rukongai. I keep walking until I enter a bar and purchase a bottle of sake. I walk out of the bar with the sake bottle tucked under my arm. Walking in the ruins of the lower Rukongai, I notice nothing. I open the bottle and smell the strong scent of sake and think that this thing could probably strip off chrome. Who would drink this?

It burns going down my throat.

* * *

**A/N**: Please review and let me know what you think!


	13. Under Pressure

**A/N**: hello everyone! Thanks a lot for reading this story and for the reviews. You are the best and you get huge cyber hugs and cookies!!!

I changed the rating of this story to 'M' to accommodate the cursing and the implied sex scenes (though there are no actual lemons in this story. I seem incapable of writing them. I can curse like a sailor, but I can't write a lemon. I'm so lame :P) So, there is no lemon, but maybe a lime :P

Oh and this chapter is angsty, but I put in a very light/crack flashback base on the comedy of Vanessa Fraction to break it up so that it won't be angst, angst, angst.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**Chapter Thirteen**: Under Pressure

* * *

Ikkaku could hardly believe that he had reached here of all places after all of these years. The bar looked the same. Hardly anything in Soul Society ever changed. If he strained his eyes hard enough he could almost see Yumi's jet black hair cascading sleekly down his back against the gorgeous kimono.

"_He may never wake up_."

The words snaked around his brain, poisoning his mind with sobriety and a surge of emotions pressed up against his eyes. He took another deep swig of sake as he ordered a room at the inn above the bar that he had first met Yumichika all those years ago. He thanked the two ladies – no one – no two – no, definitely one lady behind the bar as he took up the difficult feat of navigating one foot in front of the other to climb the stairs.

Inertia was his enemy though, for as soon as he laid on the bed the great sadness that he was dodging finally caught up with him. In the first time since he was a baby (and that was a long time ago!) Ikkaku cried. It started off easy enough with the tears simply rolling down his face. But then his chest got more constricted as the words echoed in his brain – _never wake up_ – and the emotion of missing someone before they even left weighed down on him. Next he knew it he was crying hard and he didn't even care if anyone heard him.

He got easily sucked into the _if only_ game. If only he had gone right instead of left. If only he had gone the same direction as Yumichika. If only he had told Yumichika to stay the fuck inside! If only he had never met him...maybe he would not be having any grief at all. If only, if only, if only.

The grief momentarily receded as he desperately and greedily took another gulp of sake. His head grew fuzzier and heavier as sake spilled down his front. Strangely, a memory of when he and Yumichika had been young Shinigami came to him. There had been a terrible tsunami in the Living World and hundreds had died. A plethora of Hollows appeared to feast on the souls. He and Yumichika fought bravely against the Hollows as they raged against time to perform konsō for the souls. It had been a spectacular battle, but Ikkaku hated the look on Yumichika's face as they stared above at the carnage in the aftermath that Nature had caused. "It is so ugly," he cried, "The pain and grief is so ugly. I don't want anyone to grieve for me like that. It is so...unbeautiful. And I don't want to ever have to grieve for you." His last sentence was barely above a whisper, but Ikkaku heard it and it made him feel something, but he wasn't sure what it was.

"Everything like that is ugly, Yumichika." Ikkaku agreed. But Ikkaku hadn't only meant the grief. He meant the grief, the anger, the hurt, the love, the expectations and all of the emotions under the roof. What was the point in all of them? He especially felt that way when he saw the look of pain on Yumichika's face as he empathized with the mourners of the dead. Ikkaku hadn't realized it then, but at the time all he wanted to do was take Yumi in his arms and promise him that no hurt like that would ever come to him. But he didn't do that then. Instead he drank. Kind of like what he was doing now. And just like on that day when the sea hid only to return to kill with all of its force, Ikkaku's grief returned and flattened him on the bed as he cried again, collapsing into himself.

What was the point in being sober when reality continually proved to be a disappointment?

Days passed and Ikkaku more or less continued on in that vein. Well, he had stopped crying. He drank, he slept for hours on end, he drank some more. He knew that people were looking for him, but he hid his reiatsu well. The effort of that alone brought on a constant battle of pain as he remembered that it would be Yumichika who would go after the rogue Shinigami of the Eleventh Division. But right now Ikkaku's Shinigami duties were somewhere beneath floor polish and hair brushes on the list of things he cared about.

He did not want to be bothered and short of violence, used every means possible to ensure that no one from the bar/inn disturbed him. Scathing looks, questionable and unpleasant body odour, wrapping his head with a damp kitchen towel and being generally creepy and antisocial – he was especially good at it! Not a soul bothered him. Though, Ikkaku personally felt that it was the tea towel wrapped around his head episodes that sold him as a weirdo to be left alone. However, he did have good reason for those actions. He couldn't remember them now, but he knew he had reasons for looking like a vagrant!

Now Ikkaku was no Christian, but he'd heard of God, Jesus Christ, The Holy Spirit and Satan. He didn't believe in any of those things and he especially did not believe that Satan had a hidden hand in the affairs of the living and the dead. Famine, war, plagues, things that stopped working as soon as you reached home with it, Yachiru – were all things that were supposed to fall under the management skills of the Devil. He never really bought into the idea of Satan and the lot. But now, now as he lay grounded by some nameless and painful emotion, he was sure that this situation with Yumichika could be entered as number one on the list of achievements of Satan's curriculum vitae.

Days turned into weeks. Certain memories kept replaying in his head like the first time he met Yumi, their first fight, etc. But it was the last month that he spent with Yumichika that invariably invaded his mind. Their first kiss, their first time together, all of their silly fights (don't use his toothbrush?! It was bloody considerate of him that he still wanted to use Yumi's toothbrush knowing where the man's tongue was the night previous!), that time in the supplies closet where they made love with his hand clamped over Yumichika's mouth so that they wouldn't be caught. But his mind kept looping around a memory of a particularly interesting afternoon he had spent with Yumi about two weeks ago.

* * *

"_And you want to tell me that I'm the mean one. Che. Yumichika, yer the meanest person I know after what ya did to me." _

_They were sitting in a shabby restaurant in the Rukongai finishing dinner after a particularly stressful battle with a few Hollows. Ikkaku initially and in theory was glad for the fight, but in actuality he honestly could not help but think that these Hollows could not have come at a worse time. See, Ikkaku at the moment was having a bit of difficulty walking due to the incredible sexual teasing abilities of Yumichika, whom in his defence had all intentions of finishing his job, but alas was unfortunately interrupted by the presence of the aforementioned Hollows. Hence the reason for Ikkaku feeling a bit blue. _

"_Again, I humbly apologize, but I must maintain that your situation is not my fault. I did not know that the Hollows were going to interrupt us. Pardon me if I forgot to give them the itinerary for when we plan to have sex." Yumichika said with heavy sarcasm. _

_Ikkaku scowled at him, but Yumichika only smirked. _

"_Ooh, aren't you testy. Testi-cle-ly blue." Yumichika said and burst out laughing at his own joke. Ikkaku glowered at him. _

"_Get it? Testicle-ly blue because – oh never mind. I keep forgetting that you have no sense of humour." Yumichika said and sighed dramatically as he wiped the tears of mirth from his eyes. _

"_I have a sense of humour when things are funny!" Ikkaku snapped at him, but Yumichika ignored the remark. "Come on, let's go." Ikkaku said as he rose to exit with Yumichika following. _

"_Would you like me to make it up to you?" Yumichika whispered to Ikkaku as they walked back, their footsteps leaving deep imprints in the thick snow cover. _

"_Che. Yer so mean, yet so polite about it. Yer like a better-looking version of Aizen. Yer like Attila the Hun with manners. 'Dreadfully sorry'", Ikkaku started off in a snooty voice as he mocked Yumichika, "'but it seems that I've caused you blue balls. Allow me to make it up to you. No, no. I insist." Ikkaku finished by giving Yumichika a scathing look, but Yumichika's mind seemed to be far. Ikkaku wondered if he'd crossed a line. After a few moments Yumichika finally spoke up. _

"_You think that I'm better-looking that Aizen?" _

_Ikkaku sweatdropped. _

"_That's all ya heard?!" _

"_No. But Aizen is a very good-looking man. Not better than me, of course. I've always known that, but it's nice to hear that you agree with me. I'm just saying that I appreciate the compliment. Now I definitely have to make it up to you." _

_Ikkaku threw up his hands in frustration as he stopped dead and looked up to the heavens. _

"_Why me?! Why? Why?" _

"_Like I said, no sense of humour." Yumichika commented as he shook his head in pity. _

"_Ughh. I don't want you to make up anything to me! I am quite capable of getting the job done all by myself. I'll do anything as long as I don't have to deal with you making jokes all the time –"_

"_So you admit that I was funny?" Yumichika cut him off. _

_Ikkaku opened his mouth to retort, but decided against it. Instead, he turned on his heels and hobbled and waddled and winced away as fast he could. _

"_You know that storm off would be a lot more dramatic if you weren't limping!" Yumichika yelled after him and received a middle finger in the air as his reply. _

_Yumichika kept a few paces behind Ikkaku even though he could have shunpoed home anytime he wanted and be out of the blistering cold a lot sooner. But despite all the fun he was having at Ikkaku's expense he could not leave his partner to hobble along in the snow all by himself and he would never dream of insulting Ikkaku's pride by carrying him home for such a petty...injury (for lack of a better word.)They reached the veranda of Yumichika's room an hour later, the night sky already out. Ikkaku climbed the three steps to the veranda, blowing hard when he reached the top. _

"_I think the coldness is making it worse."He said knowing that Yumichika was only a couple steps behind him. Surprisingly the long walk in the snow managed to dissipate Ikkaku's ire at the other man. But Yumichika still felt the need to apologize. He came up behind Ikkaku and hugged him tightly, resting his head on his back. _

"_I'm sorry. I was being childish. I know that you're in a lot of pain." _

"_Che. Ya didn't do anything wrong." Ikkaku finally conceded. "Ya did everything right. A little too right, that's why I'm in the situation that I'm in now." _

"_Don't worry. I'll make it up to you." Yumichika replied and Ikkaku felt Yumi's erection pushing up gently against him. Yumichika kissed his neck and then his earlobes as his hands slipped down to the front of Ikkaku's hakama. Ikkaku struggled to withhold a moan as Yumichika caressed him. When he couldn't take it anymore he turned around and pulled Yumichika even closer to him and sank into a kiss. He kissed Yumichika with a fiery passion as he always did, his desire knowing only few words – strong, unbridled, fierce – just like he was in death in general. They backed up clumsily towards the screen door, not wanting to let a molecule be able to pass between them. Finally Ikkaku managed to get the door open, only to be greeted unexpectedly with, _

"_Pachinko-head!"_

_Yumichika and Ikkaku jumped apart from each other as if electrocuted. _

"_Vice-Captain, what are you doing here?!" They practically shouted at her. She visibly flinched. _

"_Well, Bya-kun said that you two were definitely hiding large amounts of candy in your room for the surprise party that you're planning for me." Yumichika and Ikkaku nodded understandably at the Sixth Division's Captain's escape attempt from the little pink-haired demon. "But all I found was this," she continued and held up a half-empty bottle of lubricant. Yumichika and Ikkaku froze; their eyes widened so much that it almost touched the tops of their heads. _

"_It says strawberry scented and it does smell like strawberries. It says put on to have fun. So that's what I did. I rubbed it all over."_

_The boys only just noticed the slight sheen to their Lieutenant. _

"_At first it felt all tingly and nice, but now it just burns. What do I do Pachinko-head and Feather-Brows?!" She cried desperately at them._

_Had it been anyone else, Ikkaku and Yumichika would have laughed and left the poor sucker to figure it out himself. But this was Kenpachi's little girl. They were going to be in a whole heap of trouble if they didn't rectify this situation now. _

"_What do we do?" Yumichika whispered desperately to Ikkaku. _

"_I don't know. Wash it off?" _

"_Water and oil don't mix well, idiot. It'll just run right off of her." _

_Meanwhile, Yachiru started to shimmy around, unsure of what to do with herself and the burning sensation on her skin. _

"_Pachinko-head! Feather-Brows! Do Something!"_

_Ikkaku and Yumichika frantically thought of the times when they used the lubricant. _

"_What do you two idiots do when this burns? This is your stuff. You should know what to do. What do you do when it starts to burn you? Tell me what to do!"_

_Ikkaku and Yumichika looked at each other and shrugged. _

"_Lick yourself." They said in unison._

_Yachiru stopped dancing on the spot to stare at them. _

"_Honestly Lieutenant. Saliva helps and we can't do it for you or else we'll end up in jail, so you have to lick yourself." Yumichika responded to her questioning look. _

"_Just don't ask us how we know that." Ikkaku added. _

_The sight of Yachiru licking herself clean was a sight the boys laughed at for hours on end (that is after she left and promised, in return for copious amounts of candy, that she'll never tell Kenpachi about this incident.) They laughed so much that Ikkaku hadn't even realized that he'd been cockblocked AGAIN thus, making it twice in one day. But he was in such a good mood as he and Yumichika sat cross-legged on the futon that when Yumichika tried to rekindle their earlier activities, being in the mischievous mood that he was, Ikkaku said no. Yumichika stared at him. _

"_You don't want – You really –" Yumichika fumbled for words and Ikkaku laughed, knowing that his partner never took rejection well. But Yumichika regained his composure quickly. _

"_So you don't want to be with me tonight?" Yumichika asked and he ran his tongue across Ikkaku's neck. Ikkaku shivered. This was going to be a lot more difficult than he thought, but he was going to play the game. _

"_Nah." He replied, trying to sound unfussy._

"_Is that so?" Yumichika casually inquired as he moved behind Ikkaku, taking full advantage of the fact that Ikkaku mostly slept bare backed and ran his tongue down the length of the man's spine. _

_Ikkaku couldn't even reply. The cool sensation of Yumichika's tongue nearly sent him over the edge, but still he said nothing (mainly because he was losing the ability to make intelligent sentences.) _

"_Hmm. Oh well. Looks like you really don't want me. But I'd have you know Ikkaku, that this," and Yumichika gestured in a sweeping motion at his body as he lay back down on the futon, "is a beautiful body that men and women alike have killed to be with. People would kill to have me inside of them."_

"_Really? That's...something else. Your dick inspires murder. That's really special." was all Ikkaku could say, knowing full well that that was a true statement. _

"_So what? You're still not interested?" _

_Ikkaku turned to face Yumichika, giving him his infamous serial-killer grin. _

"_Fuck yeah I want me some murderous dick. Don't worry about me. I have bail money set aside." _

_Yumichika laughed out loud as he pulled Ikkaku down for a kiss. _

Ikkaku smiled at the memory. He always stopped short after the dinner they had with Matsumoto, Hisagi and Kira on that night of the attack on Seretei. That night. He had no idea of how Yumichika ended up in the position that he was in, but he really did not want to know. Ignorance was not really bliss, but he was almost sure knowing would not make his life any easier.

It was then that he saw the centipede crawling along the wall. He stared at it wanting to skewer it with his zanpakutou, but his zanpakutou was lying against the far wall next to the door where he had unceremoniously pelt it weeks ago when he first arrived here. He turned on the lamp without removing his eyes from the centipede, but when the light came on, the centipede disappeared. He stared at the spot for ages afterwards and the answer finally came to him. He suddenly remembered Scary Group Leader telling him that chronic alcoholics sometimes hallucinate.

And still he drank. He drank and slept and repeated the process. On one day he slept for almost fourteen hours straight. He got up sweating and feeling like a train was running through his head, his body aching. His dreams were filled only with horrific images of Yumichika being hurt in all manners and Unohana's voice ringing through his head. He went back to sleep.

He woke up later feeling worse. His body ached. He began to shake and feel dizzy when he tried to lift up his head. He needed to pee, but was unable to move. He had to urinate in the bed and wallow in his squalor and sickness. He went back to sleep, unable to move or think. He could only be.

It took Ikkaku a while to realize that he was in a sever state of alcohol withdrawal. One would think that the head-splitting aches, the hives that began to break out over his skin, the nausea, the vertigo, the muscle aches, any of the above, would have given him a clue. But he never professed to be a genius. It took him hours, but he finally crawled out of bed and went downstairs to the bar where he bought two bottles of sake and at snail-pace raced up to his room where he greedily sucked on the bitter, burning liquid. The relief was almost instantaneous. He could feel his aches lessening and he again remembered Scary Group Leader telling him that some chronic alcoholics need alcohol to wean them off of the severe lack of alcohol in withdrawal stage. He briefly wondered what she would think of him now, but that thought soon gave way to what Yumichika would think of him.

It was then that a stifling darkness descended upon the room. Ikkaku knew by looking out the window earlier that it was nearing twilight, but it was not possible for the light of the day to transform that quickly. He wondered if this was another illusion of his mind. The room only got darker and darker and unlike his previous hallucination, the darkness did not disappear when he turned on the light, it only worsened until he could see nothing.

A terror gripped him. Did he make himself go blind? He pawed at his eyes in a desperate attempt for his sanity and his sight.

Slowly a soft luminosity reflected off of the wall that held the door.

"Ikkaku." A voice with an echo to it spoke to him and the light coalesced to a single spot, getting brighter and more defined.

Ikkaku didn't know what was going on, but he knew that he had to get away from that light.

"Ikkaku." The voice called again, but louder and the light sprinted forward to his bed.

Fear and adrenaline shot through this body, his pain magnifying, but he ignored it. Tangled up in sheets he made a clumsy getaway from the light as his upper body fell over the side of the bed in his mad scramble to escape. But his feet were still entangled in the filthy sheets and he kicked wildly to get them off, wishing his zanpakutou was not lying uselessly against the other side of the room. He looked like a fish out of water beating up half way on the floor, half way on the bed.

"Would you just relax?!" The light said with a bit of hostility and Ikkaku froze.

"Yumichika?"

* * *

**A/N**: Please review and let me know what you think! ^_^


	14. A Private Conversation

**A/N:** Hello everyone, thank you for all of the support! You truly are the best.

Now, in this chapter Yumichika's predicament was inspired by the true story of Phineas Gage. You guys should look him up – it truly is an amazing story.

This chapter has a bit of angst, a bit of humour, lots of fluff and some gore and a bit of existentialism. So, suspend your belief, suspend it from a crane if necessary. Lol. ^_^ Hope that you enjoy it.

* Oh and that's for a bit of Michael Jackson humour. Gotta love MJ.

**Chapter Fourteen**: A Private Conversation

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

"I can't believe you didn't recognize my voice! Three weeks in this hell-hole and you've forgotten my voice. I am so disappointed!"

Ikkaku froze in confusion halfway on the floor, halfway on the bed. It sure sounded like Yumichika. He'd known the man's peculiar banshee-style of quarrelling anywhere. Yet...The light that was emanating from him coalesced to one spot to reveal the features of a man in an immaculately white kimono. He could just make out the signature red and yellow feathers and the captivating lavender eyes, but as soon as he pinpointed one feature, the image seemed to have shifted. As a matter of fact nothing was still on this Yumichika. Ikkaku's eyes involuntarily squinted to see him better. Yumichika's hair blew in all directions (which Ikkaku noticed was longer like the way he wore it when they lived in the Rukongai) though there was hardly a breeze in the room.

"Are you – are you even listening to me?!" Yumichika's shrill voice broke into Ikkaku's concentration and Ikkaku found himself falling back into his old, familiar self.

"I would if you would just shut the fuck up!"

"Ikkaku, that sentence doesn't even make sense." Yumichika replied in a lazy drawl.

"What?" Ikkaku aggressively replied.

"Well, if I shut up then you won't be able to listen to me because there'd be nothing for you to listen to in the first place."

"Exactly."

The two men frowned at each other and Ikkaku felt a sudden feeling that he hadn't experienced in weeks – joy. This...entity had to be Yumichika. It was only with Yumichika that he had these inane arguments that simultaneously aggravated and excited him. But...

"It's not polite to stare, Ikkaku, though I understand that your simple mind is unable to comprehend or fathom someone as beautiful as myself."

Ikkaku rolled his eyes. All of the evidence was there to support the theory that this was Yumichika.

"You sound like Yumi. You kinda look like him too. But for all I know you're just some kinda Yuki-onna."

Yumichika laughed out loud.

"As beautiful as a Yuki-onna may be, that is a spirit that cannot rival _my _beauty. Thank you for the compliment, however."

"That's not the part I was talkin' about, ya psycho!"

"Oh, you meant the part about the snow spirit that lures men to their deaths, sometimes through the temptation of sex? Oh Ikkaku, I assure you that I'm not leading men to their ends with the enticement of sex. My body exists only to tempt you."

Ikkaku suppressed a small blush.

"'Kay. Well then, how come I can't see ya properly?"

At this, Yumichika's smile faded and he edged closer to Ikkaku, whom was still frozen on the spot in confusion and a bit of fear.

"Perhaps, in your pain and grief you have lost sight of me, Ikkaku."

And the reason why all of this was occurring struck down like lightning on Ikkaku and the little sliver of joy and hope that he experienced in the last five minutes disappeared as Captain Unohana's words echoed within his head – "_Never wake up." _This had to be some cruel and unusual joke. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his hand and the images that had refused to rest abruptly stilled and he could see Yumichika clearly. He saw the smooth skin and the shiny hair and those eyes! Those stunning wisteria eyes. Only Yumichika had those purple eyes, a colour that was found nowhere outside of a box of crayons.

"Ikkaku..." Yumichika whispered and Ikkaku felt the pain in his body slowly leaving him.

This was Yumichika. This _is _Yumichika. This had to be real.

"...you stink."

Ikkaku snapped up his head.

"What?"

"Yeah, you smell." Yumichika said as he backed away, fingers pinching his nose, his other hand fanning the air in front of his face.

"Why you little –"

"Oh spare me. Your breath smells too."

"Fuck off."

"Here's the deal," Yumichika spoke as he completely ignored Ikkaku's half-hearted insult, "You go take a shower and I'll clean up here. Okay?"

Ikkaku stared at the other man, who only looked at him pointedly.

"Fine." Ikkaku murmured his agreement as he dragged himself off of the floor and mumbled obscenities about how even in his after-afterlife Yumichika annoyed him.

For that had to be it, right? Yumichika had died, again, and was here to haunt him for eternity. As fun as that sounded Ikkaku felt and knew that that was not the truth. After he had bathed and put on a complimentary yukata from the inn, he stood in front of the mirror over the face basin and stared at his reflection as he reviewed the events of the past few weeks. He had lost a dear friend and lover, he had relapsed, he poisoned himself with alcohol and then he went into severe alcohol withdrawal and damn nearly killed himself. And now there was this...this situation where he was seeing Yumichika. There was only one plausible explanation. He was in the midst of a psychotic break. This was just like the centipede episode – not real.

"Alright Ikkaku," Ikkaku said as he looked at the man in the mirror and asked him to change his ways*, "This is not real. You need to wake up from this nightmare. There is no Yumichika standing outside in your room. He is lying comatose in the Fourth and will never wake up. You are experiencing severe alcohol withdrawal and you need to check yourself into the Fourth Division immediately."

It hurt Ikkaku to say those words out loud. It pained him so much he felt like a crack was beginning to form from the centre of his body all the way up to his head. The pressure was building, but he was done crying. He took a deep breath before he opened the bathroom door, ready to resume his dismal life. But he opened the door only to see Yumichika sitting casually on his now properly made-up and clean bed.

"Fuck." Ikkaku murmured. So much for mental health.

Yumichika turned to him and smirked as he gestured for Ikkaku to come sit next to him on the bed. With the attitude of a total defeatist, Ikkaku shuffled over to take a seat next to Yumichika.

"I suppose you thought that you were having a psychotic break and that if you talked yourself out of it I would just disappear?"

"Mmhmm." Ikkaku agreed as he stared dejectedly at the floor.

"Well, you're a bit right and a bit wrong."

Ikkaku looked up at him in confusion. Yumichika however, only sighed knowing full well that if something could not be explained to Ikkaku in thirty seconds or less, it would be a waste of time. But still he had to try.

"I am part of your mind, but you're not crazy. We are very close, you and I. A bit of you reside in me and a bit of me reside in you. We have a very dynamic and active bond, Ikkaku. I am as real as you because you exist and therefore, I exist. I am manifesting myself to you because we have a lot of issues to resolve. I'm kind of like a materialization of a part of your psyche; the part that contains all of your emotions and feelings and memories of me. I'm sort of like a spirit of memories and feelings that you have of me."

"How come ya only just appearin' to me?"

"Because you had to come as close to death as I am in order to channel me. Do you understand?" Yumichika asked as if he was talking to a five year-old.

Ikkaku did not reply as he was busy trying to wrap his head around the idea that his mind had made manifest the deep and personal bond that he has with Yumichika and that it was as real as anything else. After a while he looked up at Yumichika and said,

"I think that those women downstairs put something in my drink. This could never be alcohol alone. This feels like I just ate some magical mushrooms."

Yumichika tilted back his head and laughed out loud.

"Whatever helps you cope." Yumichika replied, "As long as you realize and accept that I am real – in a sense."

"Right now, I'm ready to believe in Santa Claus, Big Foot, Tinkerbell and Peter Pan because they all live in Crazy Town and that's where this train is headin', right?"

Yumichika laughed again, but soon sobered up.

"You're not crazy, Ikkaku. You're perfectly fine, though I cannot say the same for my body that is back in the Fourth Division."

"What happened to ya, Yumi?"

"Yes, you would need to ask that, now would you, seeing as how you abandoned me."

Of all the times Ikkaku failed as a friend, nothing compared to this one, humiliating moment.

"Don't worry, I'll tell you what happened that night."

* * *

The cold winter winds were biting and snipping and Yumichika fretted. He wondered how Ikkaku took to the cold so easily. It most likely suited his personality, Yumichika thought, or least the personality that he wanted to project to the rest of the world. Yumichika knew that his partner was a lot more considerate, caring and warmer than how he came across to others. Yumichika's mind was absently on Ikkaku as he battled puny and insignificant Hollow after Hollow, all the while keeping count. He was at sixty-seven when a particularly shrill cry interrupted his thoughts. He looked behind him to see a pretty, young girl cowering in fear as three Hollows converged on her. She was really pretty. He rushed to her side.

These were not your ordinary low-level Hollows. No, these were noticeably stronger. He jumped into the air as he brought down his shikai with full force on a particularly mean and ugly Hollow. It was so ugly that he almost closed his eyes, but that would have been impractical. Fuji Kujaku left four deep and savage wounds starting from the top of the Hollow's right shoulder to the middle of its stomach. Yumichika leaned in for the final blow to the face, but the second Hollow's tail slammed into his back, pelting him forward several feet and he landed in a rather undignified heap in the snow.

Yumichika crawled back up onto his feet as he dusted snow from his Shihakushō.

"Tsk, tsk. You honestly think that a move as ugly as that could possibly bring me down?"

The Hollow stared at Yumichika in confusion before it realized that somehow Yumichika had managed to completely sever its left arm. Yumichika took advantage of the moment of confusion among the Hollows to perform an incantation. Wordlessly he bound the three Hollows with Bakudō no. 63: Sajo Sabaku and the arms of the Hollows were bound in thick ropes of glowing spirit particles. He then dragged his zanpakutou across their faces and killed all three in one fell swoop.

"Tsk, tsk. Number seventy. Beat that Ikkaku." He murmured to himself. "Now my dear –" Yumichika said as he turned around to address the pretty, young thing in distress only to receive a _tachi _being shoved straight into his head.

The sword entered on the side of his face, passing through the back of his left eye and exiting out the top of his head.

They stared at each other in shock for a moment - Yumichika, disbelieving that a pretty girl like that was an insurgent that would dare do something a fellow beautiful person; the girl unable to believe that Yumichika was still alive.

"You should never underestimate your opponent, Shinigami." She hissed at him, finally regaining her composure as she saw him sway on the spot, his mouth hanging open in shock.

"Neither should you." He rasped, amazing himself that he was still able to talk, and she froze in horror and fear. It took all of his strength but he reached up and slowly pulled out the _tachi_ from his head. The girl was so shocked at the brazen display of will power and fortitude that she never even saw it coming when Yumichika decapitated her with her own _tachi._

"Beautiful." Yumichika mumbled as he continued to sway on the spot and the _tachi_ fell from his hands.

"Yumichika-san!"

Yumichika turned around to see Yamada staring at him in utter shock and disbelief.

"Don't...look so...worried...I'm still alive...though barely breathing." Yumichika struggled to get out as he grew weak from haemorrhaging.

Hanatarou rushed to Yumichika's side as the Fifth Seat looked like he was about to topple over.

"Yumichika-san, we need to get you to the Fourth Division."

"Ikkaku..." Yumichika grated right before he bent over and vomited. Hanatarou looked on in horror as the effort it took Yumichika to vomit caused a bit of his brain to be pressed out and fall into the snow.

Whatever notions Hanatarou may have had of attempting to heal Yumichika on his own quickly dissipated in that single act. Now Yamada had never before shunpoed, but the clear and present danger of Yumichika dying a most horrific and painful death forced his ability and he shunpoed to the Fourth Division so quickly that he was almost positive that he broke a few records held by Yoruichi-san and Captain Kuchiki.

"Ikkaku..." Yumichika whispered when he reached the Fourth Division. It was the last word Captain Unohana heard him say before he passed out leaving a gore of blood on his person, on Hanatarou and on the floor of the Fourth Division.

* * *

Yumichika finished his story while Ikkaku simply sat there trying to come to terms with the sudden amalgamation of emotions the story stirred within him. Suddenly, the silence was broken by Yumichika's musings.

"How come you never told me that you liked my hair longer?" Yumichika asked distractedly.

Ikkaku turned his head to see Yumichika delicately clutching a section of his hair as he inspected the ends.

"What?" Ikkaku asked in rightful confusion.

"My hair. You could have told me that you preferred it longer. I am your version of the perfect image of me and in this view I have longer hair. How come you never told me? You went on and on about how much you liked it short."

"That's because you were so depressed when it got cut that I had to say somethin'." Ikkaku answered automatically, but then he caught himself. "Wait. What the hell are you talkin' about?! Back to the issue at hand. Yumichika, that's what happened to ya! Ya got a sword shoved upside ya head?! That's horrible!"

"Hmmm, yes. I know. That little bitch. However, I am lucky that she used a _tachi_. I owe my life to the extra curvature of the sword." He said indifferently.

Ikkaku stared at Yumichika. Guilt, shame, pride, joy, shock all converged upon him as he stared at the man next to him that was idly examining his hair for split ends. Yumichika really is a true member of the Eleventh Division, Ikkaku thought.

"I – I – I'm so sorry, Yumi." Ikkaku whispered after a while, whishing that he knew more words that would help him to better express what he was feeling.

"Is that why you're drinking?"

The question hung in the air like stale cigarette smoke and Ikkaku had no idea how to answer it. Actually, he knew exactly how to answer it; he just didn't like the answer.

"Yeah Yumi. That's why I'm drinkin'" He replied with surprising anger. "Ya know, I was fine before, before all this Rehab crap. I was fine going along life gettin' drunk and not carin' for anyone and not having any emotions. But you," Ikkaku rounded on Yumichika, who only looked at him with a slightly bored expression, "You told me that I should go to Rehab. You made me connect with all these emotions. You made me fall for you. Having all these feelings, getting sober – that was the worst thing to ever happen to me!"

"And by extension, being with me was the worst thing that ever happened to you too?" Yumichika asked without missing a beat.

Yumichika's face was blank, while Ikkaku's wore a red blotch of embarrassment from his hurtful words. He said nothing while Yumichika spoke.

"You know, my body would give anything to feel half of what you're feeling now. Instead, I'm lying in the Fourth Division feeling nothing – only blackness, Ikkaku. You're here trying to numb all of your feelings with alcohol, while I'd do anything to get even one of your bad feelings."

The guilt-trip was spectacular and Ikkaku could not help but think that Scary Group Leader had nothing on Yumichika in the field of mind-fucking. Even Aizen had to take a backseat.

A silence pervaded the room and Ikkaku was left feeling emotionally paralyzed. He opened his mouth to say something, but having no definite plans on what he was about to say, closed his mouth again and settled for holding Yumichika's hand instead. A wave of memories invaded him as he remembered Yumichika's confession to him on That Night.

"I heard ya, ya know. I heard ya that night when ya thought that I was sleepin' and ya told me that ya loved me."

Yumichika blushed, unsure of what to say.

"Ya should know how I really feel about ya. I shouldn't have to say it. That's why I drank before and that's why I drink now. I shouldn't have to tell ya how I feel. Ya can see how I feel. Look at me. Look at how far I've fallen. That alone should let ya know how high ya get me."

"No, alcohol gets you high." Yumichika countered.

"No, you get me high. Alcohol is only a weak substitute. You get me high 'cause I love ya and I don't know how to deal with it."

"You love me?" Yumichika asked doubtfully.

"Ya shouldn't have to ask me that. Ya should already know that."

Yumichika considered Ikkaku's words for a moment before he leaned in and kissed him. It was a sublime experience, one that Ikkaku would never be able to describe or explain if he had to. Before he knew what was happening he was inside of Yumi. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out, only breaths coming and ebbing like waves. _Something_ was happening to him. He had never been that aroused before where he felt like his pores had fireworks and his synapses were being connected by lightning. He might as well have poured sake over his body and then set himself alight.

Afterwards, they lay there quiet inside and out; their thighs still trembling in small spasms from their first ever experience of multiple orgasms. After a while, Ikkaku spoke up.

"So, since yer a part of me, part of my mind, that is, does this mean that I just fucked myself?"

Yumichika burst out laughing and he didn't stop for at least five minutes.

"That's one way to look at it." He finally replied as he wiped tears from his eyes.

More silence passed as Ikkaku was suddenly struck anew by the absurdity of the situation. This time, it was Yumichika who broke the silence.

"Are you going to stop drinking?" He asked very seriously.

"Che. Yeah. I think so."

"I'm going to wake up soon back at the Fourth Division. I expect you to be there."

"I'll be there this time."

"Ikkaku, look at me."

Ikkaku turned to face Yumichika and couldn't help but notice how truly striking the man was. Yumichika _is_ beauty. He was all of the things that beauty encompassed and what sensuality tries to be but falls painfully short.

"We have to help each other, Ikkaku. When I wake up I won't be the same Yumichika that you've known for all of this time. I'll be in a lot of pain and I'll need a lot of help to get me back to the way that I was. I can't do all of that work without you. I need to know that you are committed to me. I need to know that you're not going to bail on me and drink when things get really tough. You have to see me through and let us give each other strength."

"Che Yumichika, just because I disappointed you a hundred times before doesn't mean that I'll do it again." Ikkaku said with a small smirk on his face, one that Yumichika couldn't help but mirror.

"I don't know; that sure seems like a pattern." Yumichika said playfully.

"A hundred times is not a pattern." Ikkaku countered still smirking.

"You're right, it's a habit."

"Okay, now we're just splittin' hairs."

"My hairs." Yumichika mumbled and Ikkaku growled.

"I don't understand why you get so upset when I say that. If I were bald like you I would never use that phrase. You're practically asking for an insult."

"I'm not bald."

And they went on like that until they fell asleep from sheer physical and mental exhaustion. Ikkaku woke hours later in the dark and noticed that Yumichika was no longer there. He wondered if it had all been an extremely realistic dream when he noticed a yellow feather on the pillow next to him. He smiled as he got up with renewed energy knowing that he had to head over to the Fourth Division as soon as possible.

* * *

**A/N**: Review and let me know what you think!


	15. Promises to Keep

**A/N**: Hello everyone! Thank you for reading and reviewing. I spent my Easter weekend uncharacteristically fighting up with the Great Outdoors and I am sorry to say that the Great Outdoors thoroughly kicked my tiny butt. Thus, the next week was spent nursing my cuts, bruises and sore muscles. And that is why this chapter is late. You understand, don't you? Anyway, here it is. Hope you enjoy!:D

**Chapter Fifteen**: Promises to Keep

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

I've come to the conclusion that maybe Yumichika is right – Yamada is terrified of me. I look at him stammering and fidgeting for a simple yes or no after I ask him whether he knows which room Yumichika is in. His eyebrows are furrowed; his shoulders slumped. His expression practically shouts, 'Run and scream or scream and run. Whichever comes first as long as you get the heck away from the six feet, bald Eleventh Divisioner!' Even his clothes look worried and nervous with its many and unnecessary creases and folds. Never before has my mere presence incited such fear and anxiety. Usually all of that uncalled for agitation would irritate me to no end. But today, today I'm actually a bit glad for it because next to Yamada I look positively level-headed, which is a direct contrast to how I'm actually feeling, for it seems that my guilt over abandoning Yumichika's side is exponentially growing the closer I get to the Fourth Division. It seems that everywhere I go there is something to incite my guilt. The door I slammed on my way out of the inn blew in a guilty draft. I tripped on a guilt-laden step as I made my way downstairs. The tea was steeped in hot, boiling guilt. The snow I trod through was thick and cold with guilt. Even as I sheathed my sword I heard, instead of the customary sharp screech, a mournful echoing 'guiiiiiiiiiiiilt'. I suppose the reason for the guilty winds and snows is that I know that Yumichika is unable to slam any doors, go down any steps, sip any tea, trod through any snow or sheath any swords. And what was I doing while he is lying unable to lift even a finger? I was drinking myself useless. In a sense I'm glad that he cannot hear me because I'd hate to have to explain to him how the wind and snow can be guilty.

Yamada's stammering brings me back to the present situation.

"Yu-Yu-Yu-Yumichika-san is w-w-w-warded in Building D in room 28." He stutters. "I'll take you there."

We cross the courtyard from the main offices of the Fourth Division and make our way to Building D when suddenly the little shrimp also known as Hanatarou Yamada creates a Kidou shield that blocks out several parsnips from colliding quite painfully with our heads. The vegetables hit the shield with a resounding thud and slither down. I freeze in shock because I didn't even know that Yamada could react that quickly and also, parsnips, really? I look across to the left to see that our opponent is a scraggly-looking man that gives off the impression that just by looking at him you'd get sick. The mister curses and rants for a few moments more before he turns and heads back inside the building he came from.

"The hell was that about?" I ask, my eyes darting suspiciously for more vegetable-wielding fiends.

"Oh that's just one of the patients from the Psychiatric ward in Building C. Pay him no mind." Yamada answeres for the first time with mild indifference and not tripping over his tongue.

"Wait. So are you telling me that literally fifty yards separates Yumichika from insanity?"

Yamada stops to consider the question.

"Yep."

I cannot wait to give Yumichika that joke and I sidestep Yamada as I rush to get inside Building D. I miss Yumichika so much. I want him to wake up. I want to be able to share jokes with him again and tell him he's an idiot just like old times. I want that my 'encounter' (I long for a better word, but any other description makes me sound crazy, which I am not) with Yumichika at the inn to be true. I would hate to realize that it was all just an extremely realistic dream because that would mean two things. First, it would mean life with no Yumichika, since he'd be spending the rest of his life quite fittingly as sleeping beauty. Secondly, and this is probably worse given my present situation, but it would mean that I am indeed crazy and I would most likely have to spend the rest of my life stuck between psychos like parsnip-throwing man and the great stutterer, Yamada AND without any alcohol. I did make a promise to Yumichika after all. The only possible worse fate than that would be to add Yachiru and Mizuho to the mix. I shudder at the thought and hasten my steps to Building D. If Yumichika does not wake up today I would beat him into consciousness or beat myself into unconsciousness. All measures must be exhausted.

I step into the foyer of Building C only to be unexpectedly greeted by Matsumoto, Hisagi, Kira and Captain Hitsugaya.

"Well, look who we have here. It's the great deserter." Matsumoto sings for me in a mocking voice. I realize that I did not miss her.

"Ikkaku-san!" Hisagi and Kira exclaim in surprise to see me there. Their reactions only serve to remind me of what a terrible person I've been for the last three and a half weeks.

"I can't believe you have the nerve to just waltz in here like that, Ikkaku!" Matsumoto continues her verbal assault on me and hits me in the chest to punctuate her point when her fists collide with something more than just hardened muscle.

"What the heck Ikkaku?!" She yells at me as she rubs her hand.

"It's a letter I wrote to Yumichika." I admit resignedly and take out the thick bound of pages that carried my guilt in black and white. In an effort to dodge her further questions about my whereabouts for the last three weeks I turn to Captain Hitsugaya who is lounging on one a sofa in the corner.

"Captain, what are you doing here?"

Hitsugaya let out a long, drawn out and very tired sigh as if he'd been explaining that very thing for the last few hours.

"They're doing repairs to my room that it suffered during the civil disruption a few weeks ago. So, I come here to sleep since most of the patients here are comatose and should therefore be quiet. But then Matsumoto showed up. I wasn't expecting anyone to be here this late at minutes to seven in the evening."

"Captain! I don't like what you're implying" She shouts at him.

"Shh!" A Fourth Divisioner shushes her before she gets the chance to scream that she is a very quiet person.

"Anyway, I was actually quite happy to see Matsumoto," Hitsugaya continues and his Lieutenant softens and blushes. "She began to talk about the latest fashions she saw in the Seretei Communications and I was just falling asleep – I mean, paying attention, when Hisagi and Kira walked in. You know," He turns his attention to Hisagi and Kira, "I must say that you two really don't look like the talkative types, but I suppose you should never judge a book by its cover. You two are one of the best Lieutenants Soul Society has ever seen. One would never think that by looking at you two."

Hisagi and Kira open their mouths to say thank you, but then catches up with the rest of Captain Hitsugaya's insult and decides to simply stay mum; something that Hitsugaya was hoping to achieve by the way and he closes his eyes again. But the silence is soon broken again by none other than Matsumoto. Captain Hitsugaya lets out an audibly frustrating sigh.

"Hmmph. Ikkaku we are so disappointed in you. You don't write. You don't call. And suddenly you want to show up with an apology letter that must be made of metal and was hit by Wabisuke. This thing must weigh a ton!" She cries as she hefts the letter.

"Seriously, Ikkaku-san," Kira speaks up, as he too attempts to lift the little manuscript, "this must be over a foot thick."

"Wow. With the right force you could kill a man with this." Hisagi mutters and he too inspects the potential paperweight.

"How?" I ask already getting annoyed, "Death by a million paper cuts?"

"Works for Captain Kuchiki." Hisagi argues.

"I have a lot of things I needed to say to him." I mumble after I realizing that sarcasm would get me nowhere with this group. I was never good at it anyway.

"I bet you do." Hisagi says. "It's been what? Over three weeks. That's a long time."

"It's not that long, really." Kira mumbles and suddenly Hisagi gives him his complete attention.

"What are you talking about? That's a long time. If you abandoned my side when I needed you the most for that long, I'd be pretty pissed when I woke up. Three weeks is a long time." Hisagi countered.

"Three weeks? It's about the lifespan of a fly."

"A fly huh? Do most insects live that long?"

And then suddenly and unexpectedly they launch into a conversation on insect morbidity rates that seem to span a lifetime and Captain Hitsugaya's eyes rolls over in boredom and he smiles that finally, something was going to put him to sleep.

I too roll my eyes. Between the vegetable pelting madmen outside and my fly-discussing, guilt-inducing friends inside, there lies only partial sanity. I cannot veer off of my path or I could end up like these freaks. Never in my life have I appreciated my narcissistic Yumichika more, who seems positively sane at this point in time, despite having a piece of his brain missing.

I slowly back away from the group and edge towards room 28 after I pick up my eight pound apology letter from the table only to bounce into Captain Unohana. I nearly jump out of my skin.

"Ikkaku-san, what a pleasure to finally see you. I hope you had fun on your vacation."

I stare at her blankly enough, though I am mentally punching her in the face. This is exactly the type of passive-aggressive mind-fucking that she likes. My guilt returns three-fold.

"I just needed to clear my mind of some things." I mumble to her.

"Hmmm. Yumichika-san already got that done."

I sweatdrop. Seriously, will the guilt trip never stop?!

"But I am very glad that you are here. Matsumoto-san, Kira-san, Hisagi-san visit him every day and Captain Zaraki and Lieutenant Kusajishi visit him every other day. However, I think that maybe if he heard your voice he might be stimulated into consciousness. It's an extremely thin possibility, but as a Healer you must try all possibilities."

I nod my head in understanding and the reality settles in that I am banking my happiness on an encounter with him that may or may not have been a figment of my, at the time, heavily alcohol-saturated imagination. Because the reality is that Yumichika is still unconscious and might never wake up. He has to wake up. He said that we would wake up soon. He has to wake up. I don't even excuse myself from Captain Unohana as I stride purposely into his room. He has to wake up.

Yumichika is lying in his cot in a rather dark room. He has gotten smaller since I last saw him and he has dark circles under his eyes. But the most noticeable feature is that his head is completely bandaged and I pray to any higher power whatsoever that they did not shave off his hair. Because if they did I am sure that when Yumichika wakes up he would soon become a firm disciple of Kira's suicide teachings. I immediately cross the room and open up the blinds to let more light in. He would prefer that and not this depressing, dark room. The light shows up how pale his skin is and I breathe a sigh of relief as I see a bit of hair peeking out from under his bandages. I pull up a chair next to him so that I am facing him. I take his hand in mine and rock back casually on the chair.

"Wake up, Yumichika." I say in an authoritative voice that hopefully conveys that I will no longer take any of this coma bullshit. Surprisingly, nothing happens.

"Look, ya said that ya were gonna wake up soon, so get up. I'm the one that backs out on promises, not you. I said I wouldna drink, but I did. As a matter of fact, ya shouldna be surprised about that. I've been sayin one thing and doin another since I met ya years ago. Remember when I met up with ya again after ya left me and called me a rapist in that district, which by the way ya never apologized for." I scowl at him as I start to like a situation where I am able to tell Yumichika anything I want and he is unable to contest or retort or refute anything that I say. "Because ya know ya was wrong. Anyway, ya know that I've been sayin one thing and doin another for ages."

* * *

_After three weeks of scouring the Rukongai for Yumichika, Ikkaku finally found him. Ikkaku was so pissed at Yumichika for calling him a rapist that all he wanted to do when he finally caught up with him was make sure that he suffered a very slow and painful death. But strangely enough, when Ikkaku saw Yumichika sitting there in another bar dressed in another eye-catching kimono his breath caught and the white-hot rage of a million burning suns that he had for the other man vanished, just like that. At the time, Ikkaku hadn't realized it was because he was attracted to Yumichika and it was the fear of that attraction that stifled his anger towards him. But Ikkaku was a simpler man then with less emotional range. He would never have been able to connect the dots because if he did then he would be spelling out on his face – "I like men" and at the time, he wasn't ready for that. So instead he sat down at Yumichika's table and ordered a bottle of sake. _

"_Well, well, isn't this a surprise." Yumichika said trying to hide his pleasant shock at seeing Ikkaku. _

"_Yeah, I finally found ya." _

"_You've been looking for me? You missed my company?" Yumi smiled a devious little smile and smirked when Ikkaku blushed. _

"_No." Ikkaku replied defensively and sounded like he was just caught shoplifting. _

_The server brought the bottle of sake and two cups together with another bottle of sake. Ikkaku was just about to tell her that he only ordered one bottle when she leaned in closer to Yumichika and said, _

"_Yumichika-san, the ladies at table number four has sent over our finest aged sake for you." The waitress blushed and the boys turned their heads to see a gaggle of giggling girls waving excitedly to Yumichika. Yumi smiled at them politely and mouthed thank you while Ikkaku just wanted to shout to them that they're wasting their bloody time!_

"_Ya know, they say all the really good-looking men like yourself are fags and that the Lesbos are ugly. By that reasoning alone I should be the one to have a gaggle of girls sending me drinks." _

"_Why would anyone notice you if I'm still sitting next to you? The only way you'd get their attention is if your shiny head was parked outside in the sun." _

"_Fuck off, ya vain bastard." And Yumichika smirked at him while Ikkaku couldn't keep back his own smirk from forming. "So what ya been up to?"_

"_Well in order for me to stay alive I have to engage in a tricky procedure known as eating. I'm sure you've heard of it. It's proving quite difficult, you see, since I'm a bit fed up of people offering to buy me dinner in the hopes that I sleep with them. I don't know when buying another person dinner suddenly turns into sleep with them as payment." _

"_I don't know, sounds like a sweet deal to me."_

"_Yet you never accepted the offer to buy me dinner." Yumi smirked at him and Ikkaku nearly choked on his drink. Ikkaku decided not to say anything, instead choosing to pretend to be focused on not letting sake into his lungs._

"_Hmm, anyway, my body is too beautiful to let just any old, ugly brute touch, so I frequently end up having to battle off some idiot from trying to rape me and this leads to a no food situation any how you take it. Again, this is not a good situation for me, what with that whole I need food to survive thing. Plus, I'm no longer involved directly or indirectly in any fights since I'm fed up of those men that always want my body. It's a lose-lose situation for me. No food. No fights."_

"_You could steal." Ikkaku suggested. Yumichika screwed up his face in response. _

"_Right. I forgot. That's so crude. So what ya doin about it?"_

_Yumichika smiled deviously at Ikkaku as if waiting all day to answer that question and he leaned in closer. _

"_Well, I've been involved in a venture of late that can make me a lot of money to get food and get the fights that I love bearing witness to." _

_Ikkaku's interests peaked at the mention of fighting. _

"_Really?"_

"_Yes, really. You've heard of Chihaya?"_

"_Chihaya the Chef? That criminal?! The one that likes to cut up men and create tasty haute couture for his dog to eat?"_

"_Mmhmm. That's the one." _

"_Kami, Yumichika, what the fuck have you gotten yourself into?!"_

"_Just listen to me. Chihaya's into holding underground kickboxing matches and taking bets for them. Now I've entered a man into the fight, but I've got a bit of a problem."_

"_Which is?" Ikkaku asked patiently, terrified of the answer. _

"_He's a bit indisposed at the moment." And Yumichika pointed to the man that was lying face down on the floor with blood pouring out of his ears._

"_Did you do that?"_

"_What? No. I needed him. The blasted idiot did that to himself, just don't ask me how. So anyway, what I'm really getting at is that I'm really happy to see you right now." _

"_And why would that be?"_

"_Are you slow only today or is this a year round thing?" Yumichika asked, getting annoyed at Ikkaku. Ikkaku, for his sanity's sake, ignored Yumichika's sarcasm. "I want you to enter the fight in his place." _

"_Why don't ya enter yaself?" _

_Yumichika scoffed. _

"_Are you serious? First of all, I'm more of a sword-fighting kind of man. There's more beauty in that. Secondly, have you seen me? Why would I want to enter a fight where you get major points for kicking people in the face? I would not be risking my beautiful face, since the plan is to go down in the third round. I would have to take a beating. Too much pride and good looks for that." _

"_So, let me get this straight. You want me to enter a rigged fight, throw the fight and therefore, receive terrible licks in the process and at the end of it all; you get money from the men that bet against me?" _

"_Mmhmm."_

"_And if I say no?"_

"_Why would you say that? You'd be getting a half-decent fight out of it, once you go down in the third. Plus, you'd be getting half of what I'd be getting from Chihaya, which is forty percent of all the bets he raked in. And besides, do you really want to see me get turned into dog food?" _

"_I won't answer that." Ikkaku joked, but Yumichika only stuck his tongue out at him. _

"_If I don't do it, he's going to kill you one way or the other since you already promised him a man for this fight?" _

"_That's correct."_

"_Well ya sure seem calm for someone in such a predicament."_

"_I'm freaking out in style, Ikkaku." Yumichika said and flicked his hair. Ikkaku wanted to roll his eyes, but only laughed. _

"_Fine. I'll enter the fight for ya." _

_Yumichika let out a sigh of relief. _

"_Oh thank you so much, Ikkaku. I'll buy you dinner tonight." _

"_Fine, whatever." Ikkaku replied off-handedly, but then looked up to see Yumichika smirking. _

"_Che. Ya can buy me dinner but ya not fucking me up the ass." Yumichika laughed out loud. It was apparently contagious since Ikkaku found himself laughing too. _

* * *

I jump when suddenly Yumichika's hand tightens on mine.

"Yumi!" I shout at him and I see his eyelids flutter a bit, but still he does not wake up. I stare at him a bit more, but the commotion has subsided. However, his hand is still firmly squeezing mine. He can hear me. Captain Unohana was right. My voice is pulling him back. I'll keep talking until my throat runs dry, as long as he wakes up.

* * *

_The boys enter a dingy looking back room at the back of the bar where there were many men standing around a makeshift kickboxing ring. All of the men in the room have hardened, lined faces and they all look like they've murdered, raped and robbed at least ten persons in their lifetimes. Ikkaku looked at Yumichika with his pretty kimono, long and shiny hair, gorgeous face and slight build. This was why he liked Yumichika. Not because of the man's feminine appearance, but rather because Yumichika never appeared to be what he seemed. Ikkaku first mistook him for a woman. Boy was he wrong. He had no idea that Yumichika was such a skilled fighter. He learned that lesson the hard way. And he definitely would not have pegged Yumichika as one to hang out with those in the criminal underworld of the Rukongai. Ikkaku and Yumichika were stopped by a strapping man with hair that looked like it was cut by a blind barber with Parkinson's disease. _

"_Swords, please. No swords allowed in the back room." The man said to them. _

_Ikkaku shifted uncomfortably. He didn't particularly like being without a sword especially among all of these seasoned criminals. _

"_And if we don't give them up?" Ikkaku asked with a definite tone of anger to his voice._

"_I'll either ask you to leave politely or more than likely I'll kick your fucking asses outta here." _

_Ikkaku opened his mouth most likely to shout back something just as insulting, but Yumichika beat him to it. _

"_Oh my poor virgin ears. Please don't use such crude language around me or else I'd have to exchange your eyeballs with your real balls so that way you'd be able to see how much of a dick you are." _

_Ikkaku wanted to roll on the floor with laugher. The man was so shocked at those words coming out of the supposedly delicate beauty that was Yumichika that he said nothing more when Yumichika handed over both his and Ikkaku's katana and sidestepped past the man. _

"_Ya like to shock and show off, eh." Ikkaku said and shook his head laughing as Yumichika only give him a that's-me look. _

"_Alright Ikkaku, I spoke to Chihaya and he's okay with you entering the fight. Just remember you have to go down in the third or we'll be dog food. Okay?" Yumichika said as he stood next to Ikkaku in the corner of the ring. _

"_Yeah, yeah. Throw it in the third. I can't believe ya making me lose a fight for ya, Yumichika."_

"_Listen to me. I may have a lot of fans, but not a lot of friends. In fact, you're my only friend. We're in this together. We both need food to survive. We both like fighting. And we both like not becoming dog food. So this is good for the both of us. Throw it in the third." _

_Ikkaku didn't say anything as he was still stuck on the revelation that he was Yumichika's only friend. He was feeling a sense of pride, but at the time hadn't realized it. Instead, his eyes scanned the room and he saw big, fat fuck ugly Chihaya with his three even uglier blue pit bulls and surrounded by his goons. The fight was about to start and Ikkaku saw a behemoth of a man enter the ring. _

"_Goodness, that man must be terrified of ceiling fans." Yumichika whispered to Ikkaku and Ikkaku couldn't help but laugh, his initial apprehension of the man instantly dissipating. Yumichika handed him a bottle of sake which he greedily took a sip of in order to prepare his body for a horrible beating from a giant. _

_The bell dinged and Yumichika shoved Ikkaku into the ring where he was quickly sent flying back against the ropes as he received a kick to the chest. _

"_Get back up!" Yumichika shouted at him. _

"_Easy for you to say." Ikkaku mumbled but of course he got back up. He was glad that he was fighting a giant. It just meant that there was more of the man to dislike. But disliking the opponent to death was not getting Ikkaku very far for he received two punches to the stomach, a cuff to the face, was held in a headlock, received a knee to the chin and another spin kick to the face that again sent him flying against the ropes. _

"_I said to throw the fight in the third!" Yumichika hissed at him. "At this rate, you'll be down in the next ten seconds. Make it look realistic. I don't want every criminal in the Rukongai to know that this is a rigged fight. Now get in there and fight back!" _

"_Hey faggot!" Goliath shouted to Ikkaku from the other side of the ring. "Ya done talkin' to ya woman or ya ready to fight?!"_

_Yumichika and Ikkaku looked at each other. _

"_What did he just call me?!" They said in unison. _

_Ikkaku turned around and seemed to have summoned the strength of a thousand men when he landed a kick on the temple of his opponent. The man went down and did not get back up. _

_There was silence in the room as everyone waited for the referee to give the signal. The referee stood back up and shouted that the man would get back up...next Tuesday. _

_Everyone rushed forward to Chihaya to quarrel while Chihaya and his cronies eyed Yumichika and Ikkaku with feverish rage. _

"_Are you fucking insane?!" Yumichika screamed at Ikkaku. "Did he hit you in the head too hard?! I said to go down in the Third, you ass! When you say that you'll do something, you just do it!" _

"_Okay, calm down. I was thinking –"_

"_I highly doubt that!" Yumichika said, practically foaming like Chihaya's dogs. _

"_I was thinking that together we could take out everyone in here. Me and you. I know we're that good. We'll kick their asses and take the loot. Whaddya say?"_

"_I don't have much of a choice, now do I?" Yumichika replied, his shoulders already slumped in defeat. _

"_That's the spirit. Now go get our swords back." _

"_What?! NO! Why the bloody hell should I go get back the katanas? I can't see why you can't get it."_

"_Because –"_

_But Ikkaku never got to finish that sentence since he and Yumichika were forced to fight against most of the Rukongai underworld together with three dogs. They fought back to back. It was their second major test of friendship and this time they both passed with flying colours. They destroyed the bar and were now banned from yet another bar in the Rukongai, but at least they were considerably richer and definitely not hard up any time soon for a fight. Afterwards as they made haste to get as far away from the situation as possible, Yumichika turned to Ikkaku and said,_

"_Next time you say that you're going to do something, would you just do it. No more bright ideas, okay?"_

"_Che. Yumichika. I've only disappointed ya once." _

"_Twice. I'm keeping count."_

"_Che. Well you better not disappoint me, either. 'Cause I'll never let ya live it down." _

* * *

"You hear that, Yumichika?" I say to Yumi after I finish reliving our early days in the Rukongai, "Ya said that ya was gonna get up soon. Ya can't disappoint me or I'll never let ya hear the end of it."

At that Yumichika's hand tightens on mine and his eyes flicker open for the briefest of moment. Over the next two hours Yumichika repeatedly does that with each time his eyes opening for just a little bit longer. By eight o'clock that night Yumichika had awoken from his coma. Sure he stayed awake for about ten minutes and then fell back asleep. But Captain Unohana said that that was to be expected of patients that were awaking from a coma.

* * *

**A/N**: Please review! Most likely the next and final chapter will be up soon provided that I don't lose my mind and call for a rematch with Mother Nature. ^_^


	16. Commitment

**A/N**: Hello everyone. I hardly got any feedback on the last chapter. Hmm...Anyway, well here is the final chapter. I hope that you like it. The situation that happened to Hisagi, Kira and Matsumoto in the first part of this chapter was inspired by true events that happened to a friend of a friend of mine. Sometimes reality is better than fiction.

**Chapter Sixteen**: Commitment

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

A series of events led to Matsumoto, Kira and Hisagi relapsing. Matsumoto was sent on a mission in the Living World to take down a Hollow that seemed to have specialized in the field of devouring teenagers and being an escape artist. Previously, Shinigami after Shinigami were sent on the mission only to have them return Hollow-less and with the town of Kyoto down a couple of souls. Soul Society took it upon themselves therefore, to send an officer of a higher rank. Hence, Lieutenant Matsumoto was sent to the University of Kyoto to capture the Hollow and return it to the Twelfth Division.

On the second Monday in January on the Coming of Age holiday, after three days of no word from Lieutenant Matsumoto, Lieutenants Hisagi and Kira were sent to Kyoto University as reinforcements. It was then that they found that Matsumoto's resolve had finally cracked. Unable to abandon her post and unable to capture the elusive Hollow, added to the fact that the only bar on campus was having a sale in honour of the holiday together with the fact that she was amidst young, fervent collegial supporters of alcohol, resulted in Matsumoto relapsing in a most spectacular way. Hisagi and Kira found her in her gigai passed out on top of the bar with a beer hat strapped to her head.

"Matsumoto-san?" Hisagi quietly said as Kira poked her in the side with his index finger.

She did not budge.

"Do you think she's dead?" Hisagi asked. Kira poked her again.

"I don't think so, but it's not her dying that's worrying me – she's already dead. I just hope that she continues to be that way, not that anyone here would notice." Kira replied as he looked around the packed bar. Beer was going at a price not seen since before World War II and the students and Matsumoto, judging by her present predicament, were taking keen advantage of the sale.

Hisagi sighed. He tried to think of something that would get Matsumoto awake, inclusive of yelling free vodka for the next seven patrons to reach the bar, but realized that he ran the risk of being stampeded. Finally, it came to him. In his best impression of Captain Hitsugaya that he could muster, Hisagi yelled out,

"MATSUMOTO!"

She jumped up from the bar with such force that she fell over onto the bartender's side. Hisagi and Kira peered over the edge and were surprised when she immediately popped back up with resounding cheers from the students, but the boys seriously doubted that it had to do with her resilience and more so with her jiggling breasts.

"Captain, I shwear I washn't drinking!" She replied as she wobbled on the spot; eyes bloodshot, her face a brilliant red.

"Matsumoto, it's me Hisagi."

She narrowed her eyes at him and after recognizing the tall, black-haired Shinigami, made a disgusting sound of annoyance with her tongue.

"Go away! I'm doing reshearch on beer."

"Matsumoto-san, you did enough research to be awarded an honorary doctorate for your lifelong work in the field." Kira replied in a sotto-voice.

"But think about it." She said, "Think about all of the workers that worked to make this beer." She took a sip out of one of the tubes from the beer hat. "I wouldn't want to disappoint them. If I stopped drinking then all of their hopes and dreams and jobs would go to waste." She hiccupped.

"Matsumoto-san, are you telling me that you plan on supporting the entire Japanese beer industry by yourself?" Kira asked with sincere interest. Hisagi cast him a look.

"Why are you encouraging the nonsense, Izuru?"

Kira had the decency to look ashamed.

Hisagi gripped her by the waist and threw her over his shoulder.

"Put me down, Izuru!" She protested and proceeded to kick and scream her way out of the bar.

"I'm Hisagi."

"That's what I shaid!"

Hisagi and Kira sighed. The boys had only just reached outside the bar when the flailing and screaming Matsumoto delivered a kick to Kira's chest and a punch to Hisagi's jaw. Hisagi dropped her immediately. But the din of multiple glass bottles also rolling around on the ground punctuated the soft thud her body made from hitting the floor at a sudden speed. Rubbing their aching body parts Hisagi and Kira looked down to see Matsumoto again passed out (but this time, they suspected that it was Hisagi's fault) surrounded by six bottles of fine whiskey.

"I don't even want to know where she was hiding those." Hisagi muttered as both he and Kira bent down to pick up the bottles.

With expert timing, a Senkai gate opened up to reveal Captain Hitsugaya. The boys had to admit that it did not look good for them. With a passed out Matsumoto on the floor and with them holding three bottles of whiskey each in their hands – Hisagi and Kira had to admit that it did not look good. Captain Hitsugaya was livid.

After he ranted and raved for about fifteen minutes straight, he took in a deep breath and said,

"You know what; I believe that in order for you three to learn a proper lesson, I'll have to charge you with being inebriated while on duty."

It took nearly a full minute for Hisagi and Kira to pick their jaws up from the floor and they were sure that when Matsumoto woke up she'd be just as shocked.

When Matsumoto awoke from her alcohol-induced coma she, together with Hisagi and Kira, were charged by Central 46, the maximum fine together with a month and a half to be spent in the Detention Unit. They paid the fine but were told that they would have to wait before they could be allowed into prison.

"Wait? I have to wait to be allowed into jail?! What, my name has to be on 'the list?' Since when does prison have a velvet rope treatment?" Hisagi shouted at the Second Division female Shinigami seated behind the desk.

"Sir, please calm down. We have to wait on the relevant forms from Squad Eight."

"The Eight Division?! What the hell do they have to do with anything? It was Captain Hitsugaya of the Tenth Division that arrested us!" Matsumoto argued.

The clerk stared at her, giving Matsumoto her best do-I-look-like-I-give-a-fuck stare.

"Ma'am, is it possible to speed things up so that we could go to jail as soon as possible?" Kira politely asked. "I mean, when will the paperwork be processed? We just want to get this over and done with."

The clerk shrugged by way of answering.

And so Hisagi, Kira and Matsumoto left the Second Division thoroughly disappointed that they would not be going to prison.

But time passed and soon the three Lieutenants forgot about their outstanding stint in prison. So much time passed that Matsumoto had time to go to rehab, again; fall off the bandwagon, again; be picked up by Hisagi and Kira, again, and be caught by her Captain, again. It was then that Captain Hitsugaya remembered that the three Lieutenants had an outstanding prison sentence to serve. Thus, it was _three _years later that Matsumoto, Hisagi and Kira were carted off to prison for an offence committed _three_ years ago that really and truly was all Matsumoto's fault. The stress of that alone convinced Kira and Hisagi to return to their alcoholic ways as soon as they were released from jail. Matsumoto, feeling guilty that their predicament was her fault, decided to be a good friend to Hisagi and Kira by keeping the boys company in the bars and relapsing for a third time.

* * *

Matsumoto, Kira and Hisagi sit in the head office of the Eleventh Division posing a question to me.

"Ikkaku, does the want ever go away?" Hisagi asks, near desperation shining in his eyes.

It had been two weeks after Hisagi and Kira had completed their second Rehab programme and Matsumoto's fourth time in Rehab. Scary Group Leader was now on a first name basis with Matsumoto.

"No. I think it's safe to say that no, the want never goes away. Ya just learn to live with it. It's like if ya got ya hand cut off. Ya still feel like it's still there, but ya gotta learn to live without it."

Yumichika is sitting opposite me quietly doing paperwork while simultaneously entertaining Yachiru by making origami out of the medical reports sent in from the Fourth Division. The little pink ball of energy is furiously feeding that energy by sucking on Gummi bears. Yumichika hasn't looked up from his focus on making the paper crane for her, but I know that he is listening.

"It's so easy for you, Ikkaku-san," Kira says looking tired and more depressed than usual. "It's like you just don't drink. Period."

I snort at his words and Yumichika gives me a knowing and apologetic smile. We both know that the last three years were the most trying time in our lives. It's a wonder that I didn't drink and that our relationship even survived.

*

_It is somewhere near three o'clock in the morning. My eyes are bleary and I haven't eaten anything all day, but I refuse to remove from Yumichika's bedside in the Fourth Division. He's out of the coma, but for the last seven hours he wakes and falls back to asleep within ten to fifteen minutes. I am told that that is to be expected when someone is awaking from such a long comatose condition. He is sleeping again and I watch him with strange mixture of relief and anxiety. Why is he sleeping so much? Will he ever be like how he was before? It is then that I hear a faint knock on the door. I look behind me to see Captain Unohana poking her head in and curling her index finger in a gesture that says come over here. I unwillingly and tiredly rise from my sentry position at the side of Yumi's bed and drag my feet to meet her outside of the room. _

"_I didn't want to wake Yumichika-san." She says with a soft smile. _

"_I thought that was the point – to wake him from his coma." _

"_He's out of the coma, but that has left him tired and he needs his rest." _

"_Tired from what? He was sleeping and doing nothing for the last three weeks." _

_She smiles sweetly at me and tilts her head slightly to the side as if to say, 'oh poor, stupid Ikkaku.'_

"_True. But you try climbing back from a bottomless pit of darkness. You'd be tired too." _

_I do not tell her that for the last three weeks I too was in my own personal and figurative black abyss only surfacing to drink and dig myself deeper. _

"_Ikkaku-san, I wanted to talk to you because I want to know if you fully grasp Yumichika's condition." _

_Again, I say nothing. She was going to elaborate whether I answered or not. _

"_Ikkaku-san, Yumichika-san may have awoken from the coma, but it is possible that he may never return to the way he was." _

_My heart feels stiff and heavy at her words as if it were made of metal. _

"_My initial examination of him shows that he is responsive, but is only speaking when spoken to and is using only monosyllabic responses." She pauses and looks me directly in the eye. My face and brain is blank as a sheet of paper. "Some or rather, most patients, do not develop further than this stage." She pauses again to allow for her words to sink in. _

"_Do you understand what I am saying, Ikkaku-san?" _

"_Yeah, I understand. Yer saying that Yumi might forever be one step away from being a vegetable. You're telling me that most likely he won't be able to count up to his age. You're telling me that my zanpakutō, a fucking inanimate object, has more emotive responses than him! You're telling me that he probably cannot even remember who the fuck I am! You're saying that I have him, but I've still fucking lost him!" _

_I didn't realize that I was shouting. I didn't realize what I was saying. I didn't realize that tears were starting to sting my eyes. I stand there looking at her with rage and frustration burning me and the urge to drink hits me with shocking force. But what really gets me is that she doesn't even respond or look angry at all. If she had only reacted, I might have felt better. But no. She simply stands there radiating pity for me. It infuriates me. _

"_Ikkaku-san," She starts up in that calm voice that makes me want to strangle her, "do you really love him?"  
_

"_No, I don't care about him at all. My eyes are watering because this bloody room is so dusty!" I spit at her, amazing myself that of all the times this is when sarcasm comes to me. And either she completely misses it or more likely, she completely ignores it, for she says, _

"_I think that you really love him."_

_I throw up my hands in frustration. _

"_Kami. Everyone here is going to drive me insane. I need a drink. I need a drink now. I'm at the end of my rope and I need a drink now." I mutter and hold my head in my arms._

"_Well if you're at the end of your rope you should tie a knot and hang on." _

_That made me pause. _

"_Captain Unohana, did you just make a joke about suicide?"I ask in utter disbelief. _

"_I sat in on one of Kira-san's classes the other day. It was very informative." _

_  
We stare at each other in awkward silence for a few moments. _

"_Anyway Ikkaku-san, I want you to know that despite Yumichika-san's current position there is no definite law that says that a grim bedridden future lies ahead of him. I thought that he most likely would not have awoken from that coma, but he has defied the odds and proved me wrong. So what I am saying is that he might make a full recovery, he might not." _

"_Che. He's always proving people wrong, Captain. Just when you think that you have him figured out, he always gives you a surprise move. Look at him. Ya think that he looks like he belongs in the Eleventh Division? Ya think that someone as pretty as him could survive on his own in the Rukongai? No, ya wouldn't think that now would ya? But he did it. Anyone would look at him and say that he wouldna last two minutes in the Eleventh Division. But look at him. He's a Fifth Seat with the power of a lieutenant. He's pretty good at defying odds and proving others wrong."_

_I say that speech, but somewhere inside me there is a gnawing feeling. _

"_Yes, he is a fighter. He survived having that sword thrust into his head. He is a fighter. He _was _a fighter, Ikkaku-san. He is not anymore. Do you have the commitment to bring him back up to that level?"_

_I pause before I answer. Getting Yumichika back up to the level he was at before would be a full time job. He is like a baby now. I would have to take an indefinite leave of absence from my duties. I would have to give up fighting everyday because my days would be filled with taking care of him. Bathing him, dressing him, feeding him, and training him. I remember what I promised him while at the Inn. I said that I would not drink. No fighting and no more drinking. Can I really give up the two most important things in my life for the single most important thing in my life? _

_No fighting. No drinking. What is the other option?_

_No Yumichika. _

_I know my answer immediately. _

_After spending two more weeks in the hospital Yumichika is finally released into my care. It is terrifying to know that after two additional weeks he is still the same way. He is awake for considerably longer now, but he still has only one and a half expressions. He looks either sad or almost confused. The rest are just blank stares. _

_The good thing about being an alcoholic is that alcohol keeps you busy since it occupies your every single thought and I have to admit that I liked that. I don't particularly like having to worry about making sure that Yumichika's meals have the right combination of nutrients that support brain functioning, deter cell deterioration and improve memory. That is a particularly troubling feat seeing as how I cannot cook. Every night I get up at midnight to listen to his breathing, not because I am sentimental, but because I want to ensure that I did not kill him with the beef I prepared earlier – beef that somehow looked like chicken and tasted like fish. I hate having to crush into his food additional vitamins like Omega-3 and phospha – I can't even pronounce the rest of it. I don't like that I have to feed him and re-teach him how to walk in the first month that he was back at home. I cannot stand that he barely says a word to me that isn't 'yes' or 'no' or 'hmmm.' I hate the fact that he has terrible moods that move between the extremes of terrible rage or depressing melancholy that leaves him crying for days. But what I really hate is that two thoughts really dominate my brain – I want a drink and I cannot deal with this. _

_It is middle of February and the winter is lasting longer than expected. Soul Society is cold and barren like my heart is towards Yumichika. I can barely look at him .The amount of emotions that I feel is almost entirely impossible for one human to have. I want to drink. I want to go back to having the emotional range of a toaster. I do not want to have to deal with this. My heart still feels heavy like iron. It hurts, literally, every time I look at him. _

_It is night and a slight rain is falling. The place is cold, but I do not mind because it suits my mood. Yumichika is sitting on the tatami mat inside doing his favourite thing to do lately – stare into space. I sit outside on the back veranda and try to ignore that tiny voice in my head that reminds me that the only alcohol in this room is in the form of Yumi's astringent. _

"_It's cold Yumi." I still talk to him, hoping that one day he'll say more than 'hmmm.' "My toes feel all tingly."_

"_It's called frostbite." _

_I chuckle appreciatively at the joke, but then I nearly get whiplash as I realize that it was Yumichika that made the joke. _

_I stare at him and he stares back at me with that dead-behind-the-eyes look that I've gotten since he awoke from the coma. Did he really just speak to me? There's nothing else in the room that could have made the comment. I'm almost sure that the futon didn't say it. _

"_What?" He says and I jump. _

_I rush towards him and hold onto his shoulders. There's a bit of light behind those eyes that I love so much._

"_Yumi! You said more than one word since the incident. Oh my God! 'It's called frostbite!' That's like what, four syllables?" _

_I start to clap in an effort to sound out the syllables and absolute joy electrifies me when he gives me his classic Yumichika raised eyebrow. _

"_Oh Yumi," I practically melt with excitement, "I know that you want to tell me 'what the fuck is wrong with you' but don't worry. We'll get there soon." _

_He manages a small smile and I hug him so tightly. _

_*_

I look at Yumichika sitting there opposite me and I have to admit that we've come a long way. Things have changed. I have not had a drink in three years. And Yumichika is definitely a bit loopier than he was before. Yachiru has tired of him and is now busy playing a game of catch me if you can with Hisagi, Matsumoto and Kira.

"Gummi bear?" He offers me and I take a red one. I love the red ones.

"Tsk, tsk. These sweets are bringing in ants." He mutters as he observes two black ants crawling along the desk. "Bye Kane-kun." He says right before he squashes an ant under his thumb.

I look at him in exasperation. Definitely loopier.

"Sometimes ya scare me, Yumi."

"Why?" He asks absent-mindedly as he crushes another black ant. "Kaori-kun! No!" He whispers in a mock fashion of woe.

"Why? Because ya christening ants and then killing them with mock regret. That's weird."

"I can't see how they're any different from when you name the Gummi bears then eat them."

"That's different. These aren't alive." I say waving the red sugary candy in front of him.

"That makes it even worse. You name a cute, cuddly bear only to bite its head off. As far as I'm concerned that's even more sadistic."

Somehow the bickering escalated into an argument. It was intense, but I don't mind. I rather like irritating the living daylights out of Yumichika. My explanation to him is that it keeps him mentally fit. But my real reason is that it turns me on.

Anyway, sometime after I called him a pansy bitch and sometime before he called me a bald ass he threw a vase at me. I really wasn't expecting it and it hit me straight in the head. I fell to the ground and pretended to be knocked out in an attempt to make him feel guilty and also get sympathy so that later tonight I'd get some loving from him. But that didn't work out too well for me. He completely ignored me.

"Ikkaku, would you get off of the ground, before Yachiru trips on you. And clean up that glass while you're at it."

"Why the hell should I clean up the glass?!" I scream at him. My plans for getting sympathy out of him swept away, but not with the glass that I was not picking up.

"Because you're the one that made me pelt the vase in the first place."

"Yumichika!" I growl at him, but our argument is interrupted by the presence of Captains Ukitake, Hitsugaya, Unohana and most surprisingly, Scary Group Leader. I instantly start to cold-sweat. Déjà vu hits me full force.

"I swear I haven't been drinking!" I shout at them.

"Me neither!" Matsumoto, Hisagi and Kira echo.

"Relax, Ikkaku-san." Captain Ukitake says and smiles to reassure me. I do not trust him. Last time I trusted him I ended up doing a month in rehab.

"Ikkaku-san, we have just witnessed most of your argument with Yumichika-san. I cannot believe that all this time has passed and not much has changed since the two of you fought each other in Rehab." Scary Group Leader says.

Oh dear Lord, no. I already know where she is going with this. Yumichika and I exchange looks.

"So," Captain Ukitake speaks up, "We were wondering if maybe you two would like to join couples therapy."

"You see now Scary Group Leader –"

"Oh please Ikkaku-san, I cannot believe that you still refer to me by that silly nickname. You do know that my name is Yo–"

"Che. I don't wanna know. I'll probably forget anyway. I'll just continue to call you Scary Group Leader." I say waving away her comment.

She shrugs helplessly.

"Anyway, Scary Group Leader, Yumichika and I don't need no counselling."

"That's very true, Captain Ukitake." Yumichika agrees. "A lot of things have changed, but some things stay the same and should always stay the same. The way we fight is just another way of expressing our love for each other."

"Che, Yumichika. Why ya have to make it sound so sappy."

Yumi rolls his eyes.

"Ughh. Get in touch with your feelings, Ikkaku. It's much more beautiful."

"Pshh. Whatever."

"Robotic ass." He mutters at me.

"Sissy idiot." I retort.

The Captains and Scary Group Leader each raise a questioning eyebrow. We look at them, look at each other, smile and shrug.

"Love." We say simultaneously.

* * *

**A/N**: Yay! I've finished another fic! I would to thank all of the people that put this fic on their alerts and favourites and especially those that reviewed. You have been very vital in helping me finish this fic. You guys are the best. As always, review and let me know what you think! ^_^


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